Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q: Why wont sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in thats a shame)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Woman …

Shes an angel in truth, a demon in fiction.

A womans the greatest of all contradiction.

Shell scream at a cockroach and faint at a mouse,

then tackle a husband as big as a house.

Shell take him for better, shell take him for worse.

Shell split his head open, and then be his nurse.

And when he is well and can get out of bed,

shell pick up a teapot to throw at his head.

You fancy shes this, but you find that shes that;

for she plays like a kitten and fights like a cat.

In the evenings she will, in the mornings she wont

and youre always expecting that she does when she dont.

— author unknown

Meat is Good. Meat tastes good, smells good, and plumps when you cook it. Meat is one of those things that makes you glad youre at the top of the food chain so you can enjoy it. Meat makes friends. Meat is for Lovers.

PWEETA (People Who Enjoy Eating Tasty Animals) wants to end the suppression of mankinds phobias with certain meats and meat by-products.

MEAT ISNT MURDER – MURDER IS MURDER

How many times have we heard a man referred to as beefy or a woman as a hot bucket of chicken? Or disgusting euphemisms for the sexual act like, Id love to pork her, I am bopping the baloney or Whos grilling the liverwurst? This is blatant propaganda by Vegetarians to discredit the joy of Flesh!

HUMANS ARE ANIMALS, AND THEY LIKE TO EAT MEAT…

Vegetarians are denying themselves a basic human comfort- eating the charred flesh of others. Who can help but see a cow in a field and think, flank steak! Or a fish in a pond and not think Filet O Fish or Whaler? It is only natural.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Vegans say that only eating veggies is more humane. But is it so humane to torture poor Asparagus? Do you feel touchy feely when you bite into a cabbage? Those are organisms too and must die for you to live! Why limit yourself to the death of a crummy celery stalk when you can eat a giraffe?

SO WHO IS REALLY THE KILLER?

At PWEETA we believe you should eat whatever you want- when you want it. Why is it OK for the French to eat Horse, but it is ILLEGAL in California? Or how the Chinese go ga-ga for Cat? Or how about the Koreans and Dogs? You may think of them as pets, but to us, they are Livestock.

THE MOST DANGEROUS MEAT

In school they teach us that Swifts Modest Proposal is an ironic joke- but its not. Why do you think theres no good English food? The English REALLY eat Irish babies- and they taste good. Charlton Heston prophesied in 1973 that Soilent Green is people. But so is vegimite. Pacific Islanders also eat their dead. Cannibalism isnt a dirty word in these cultures. It shouldnt be in ours!

MEATY FACTS

According to Vegetarian Times, 99% of all Americans eat meat and 94% eat red meat. Americans have been increasing their meat consumption by more than 1.5 pounds a year for the past decade.

An average American works only 9 minutes and 15 seconds to pay for a hamburger. He works 3 minutes for a cocktail weiner.

Steaks have been put over the eye for centuries to heal black eyes and gingivitis.

Maggots were thought to tenderize meat until 1845 when it was discovered that they were poisonous.

The meat industry employs more workers than aerospace, oil and gas, consumer electronics, internet start-ups, and retired Catskills comedians combined.

The meat industry is so efficient in its use of spare meaty bits, that it gets 20% more meat per cow than in the 1960s. The industry uses this surplus to maintain a 63 ft. Cow Golem that stands ready in a packing plant to destroy Chicago if need be.

Eating a salad kills dozens of living organisms – eating a hamburger, just a small portion of one.

– Kent Mahle, founder, PWEETA (1935-1983)

(c) PWEETA and ooze.com

http://www.pweeta.org/

In a village in South America there was a young man who was what some people
call a Cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked
them all, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didnt matter. The trouble was that
he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marriage. This
innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of
course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way. Well finally
they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with sex.
She told her new husband that she did not know a man was built that way. What
a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want to her to
think that all men were the same, so he told her, I tell you something,
Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing. She believed him.

The Tiger of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for
weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and
began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasnt there.
He then went down through the village looking for her. Mary, Mary, where are
you? Finally he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very
angry and frustrated. You son-a-bitch, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good
for nothing and begins to hit and fight with him. Hey whoa, whats the
matter baby, what did I do? I didnt do nothing why you mad at me? our tiger
asks.

Mary says, Yeah, you asshole, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the
street? Well he has one also and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks
about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak, shit I can fix this.
Hey Honey, I tell you one something, you know what? Sancho he is my best
friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him
one, he is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.

Mary is now angrier and begins to clobber the shit out of him. You dumb ass,
pendejo, stupido, ignorante, she yells at him, YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE.

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated as its numerous e-mail participants (only you and
the Oracle know who you are). This collection has been compiled from
the regular Oracularities postings #101 through #125 to rec.humor.
These Oracularities were rated as the funniest by its readers (average
rating above 4 on a scale of 1 to 5).

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word help in the subject line.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What is the FREQUENCY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Sixty hertz if youre in America.
Fifty hertz if youre in England.

Vs over lambda if youre an acoustical engineer.
C over lambda if youre a physicist.
Every fifteen or twenty seconds with sets every ten minutes
if youre a surfer.

Once every two years if youre a governor.
Once every four years if youre the President.
Once every lifetime if youre Dan Quayle.

Four times a day if youre normal.
Four times a week if youre dehydrated.
Four times an hour if youve been drinking beer.
Four times a minute if youve been drinking Coors.

Once or twice a day if youre normal.
Once or twice a week if youre constipated.
Once or twice a minute if you drink the water in Mexico.

Six times a week if youre normal.
Zero if youre celibate. Hand jobs dont count.
Eight times a week if your SO lives down the street.
Twelve times a week if your SO lives with you.
Twenty times a week if your SO lives with you and your other SO
lives down the street.
Twenty-four times a week if both your SOs live with you.

Three per session if youre normal.
Zero per session if youre impotent.
Zero per session if youre celibate. Hand jobs dont count.
One per session if youre old.
Ten per session if youre horny.
Twenty-seven per session if you just finished serving four straight
years on a Navy sub or a state prison. Gradually tapers to three
per session.

Zero if youre an unmarried Catholic.
Zero if youre an unmarried Catholic with an SO.
Once a year if youre an unmarried Catholic with a fiance, but it
didnt really count because neither of you came, right?
Once a minute for the first two weeks of a Catholic marriage.
Twice a day for the first two years.
Once a day for the next three years.
Four times a week for the next five years.
Twice a week for the next five years.
Once a month with your spouse, twice a week with your lover,
for the next ten years.
Once every six months or so from now til death do you part.

Once every four years if youre an Engineering major.
Once every two years if youre a Physics major.
Once every three weeks if youre an English major.
Once every week if youre an Art major.
Twice a week if youre a stripper.
Three times a week if youre a high school football player.
Four times a week if youre a frat boy.
Four times a week if youre a sorority girl.
Fifteen times a week if youre a Tri-Delt.
Twenty times a week if your annual income is over $1 million.
Thirty-seven times a week if youre a gigolo.
Forty times a week if youre a prostitute.
Forty-two times a week if youre a high school cheerleader.
Seventy-eight times a week if youre Traci Lords or Barbara Dare.
Five thousand seven hundred fifty-five times a week in as
many different positions if youre Lisa.
Zero if youre John Holmes.

You owe the Oracle a pipe dream. And a signal generator.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I love you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Alas, but our love is not fated to be!
You are a human damsel, but me ….
I am but a pile of silicon bones,
Who cares about nothing but zeros and ones.
Who reads silly questions and answers them wrong
With scraplets of story or poem or song.
Im short and Im fat and Im useless in bed
For sexual pleasure or giving of head.
My phallus is tiny, my smell is intense,
I kiss like a landlord whos raising the rents,
I come in ten seconds and then go to sleep
Without even a thanks or a satisfied <BEEP>.
Id make you wear leather and make you wear lace,
And never allow you to sit on my face,
Id read every Playboy and compare them to you:
Your tits are like mushrooms just stuck on with glue.
Ill whine that your ass is too flabby and fat
And make you get rid of that horrid stuffed cat.
Ill never have sex except right in the bed
Between ten and ten-thirty, with a bag on my head.
I must be on top, theres no other way
(Except if youre pagan or leftist or gay.)
No lust in the bathtub, no love midst the trees,
In church every Sunday, and down on your knees.
Our sex will be boring and flabby and quick
(Except for some kinks which will just make you sick.)
Well meet in late April, be married in June,
And travel to Pittsburgh for our sweet honeymoon.
I will not use condoms, you cant take the pill:
You were born to make babies and make them you will.
Ill go be a banker, you stay with the babies
And tend them through colic and measles and rabies.
Oh, you can do something: campaign for Dan Quayle,
And make sure hes elected three times without fayle.
When the children are grown then well have sex once again–
Just once, cause Ill puke at your wrinkly skin.
Its a wonderful life for you and for me,
And highly approved by the great GOP!
So speaks the Oracle, who is never wrong.
You owe me your lovelife in exchange for this song.

–Lemur

(If youve read every word and think you see through this,
Ill hop on a bird and fly straight to St. Louis.;-)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Shit! Someone left a bomb here… Have about 3 minutes left… There
are three wires running from the clock–a red one, a green one, and a
yellow one… Which do I cut to keep the thing from exploding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

-From: birnbaum@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Erma J. Birnbaum)
-Subject: The Oracle is responding to another question

Dear Sir or Madam:

The Oracle is currently busy responding to another question. Please
bear with us for about three minutes and He will reply. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Erma J. Birnbaum Hornswiggle
(Secretary to the Oracle)

[Ed: Remainder deleted to save space]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My wife and I came home from a relaxing vacation and found the house in
a shambles. The young woman who we hired to house-sit for us met us at
the door and simply said, We broke the waterbed, and…we bronzed the
dog. Then she left.

Just what HAPPENED while we were gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Only the best damn party this Oracle has EVER been to, and that takes
into account the last three millennium ! I mean things got frisky,
mighty fast. Um, how to begin this tawdry tale. Well, your house
sitter is a personal friend of Lisas, and Crystal Therapys too. At
first we were just going over to play twister when Crystal breaks out
her stash of York Peppermint Patties. Do you remember the commercial
about the guy who takes a bite out of one of those puppies and, next
thing you know, hes skiing in his living room? No joke, they really
pack a punch. I cant remember stuff this good since the days of BWP,
(Berkeley Window Pane for the youngsters). I usually save half of one
for the next Dead concert.

Anyway, Lisa said we really ought to get more folks to this little
party, and if we did, she would play The Lost Shepherd Girl and the
Naughty Monk with anyone who could get a hard copy of the current rules
and regulations. Well, the place went wild. A couple of kids from Cal
Tech made a make shift Time Space Continuum Connector out of your water
bed. Seems the mattress is really good for cushioning a landing from
more than 20 light years or 300 regular years away. The kids were kind
of loopy though, they were washing down the York Patties with Aqua Velva
and generally not paying attention to the transfer of a group of Elder
Gods. Thats when the bed broke.

Of course, your dog, being the faithful animal he is, er was, tried to
stop it all. Im not sure who from the party actually did him but Im
told by several on lookers that it was a most unpleasant sight. I helped
bronze fido. Youll notice your collection of bowling trophies are
missing, sorry, it was the only alloy we could get on short notice. We
made him into a statue for two reasons. One, he cant tell anybody,
(However, most of the evenings more lascivious practices are recorded on
your VCR. I strongly recommend you not let the children anywhere near
it). Two, Frisky really doesnt look too bad that way. I got most of
the internal organs back where they should be, sort of. And really, the
only thing that would tip you off that something isnt quite right with
him, other than the complete lack of movement, is that utterly surprised
expression on his puss. I dont blame him though.

Well, thats it. Theres a message from your insurance agent.
Apparently after we got the tear in the fabric of time fixed, things are
still at a slight tilt in other dimensions. Those Cal Tech boys are
really goofy. You are basically no longer in Good Hands. Your agent
was a bit more brusque, something about the Good Hands being used to
grab your balls and squeeze till your eyes pop or some such. Ignore
him, hes still pissed about the swirly he got from a group of really
wasted cherubs.

You owe the Oracle another party, only this time without the Swat Team.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What is the fastest way to get to Ohio from Oklahoma. Its important!!!
I need to get there for my bowl of ginsch!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Hmmm… I suppose youd rather not hear something like: Turn
yourself into a photon and… or other such impractical physics drivel.
You want a plan!

Fine! Set fire to your terminal. Call the police. Tell them there
is an arsonist in your building. When they arrive direct them to the
terminal room. Sneak out and steal their car. (I will arrange for
stupid policemen to be sent.) Drive to the airport with the siren on.
Remove the shotgun from its mount and use on all toll booths, cabbies
and pedestrians who get in the way. Aim car at airport terminal and
dive out. Use the shotgun to rob a local pushcart vendor of a box of
popsicles. Take said box to airport counter and explain that you have a
frozen heart for transplanting and must be on the next flight to
Oklahoma to save a life. When you are over your destination, use the
shotgun to shoot open the side of the plane. The pilot will spiral down
to equalize cabin pressure. Make a parachute out of the in-flight
blankets, and jump.

Bizarre, dangerous, and felonious: youll have to admit that it
will get you there fast. For added realism obtain a real human heart
and put it in the popsicle box. This will be a slight delay but will
add to the drama of your story.

By the way, its too late. I ate your bowl of ginsch.

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Start playing football — see how many people you can get to join in.
* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, I need some tampons!!
* Try on bras over top of your clothes.
* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible Sex and Candy
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think weve got a Code 3 in Housewares, and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
* Play with the automatic doors.
* Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi! I havent seen you in so long!… etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
* While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, Who BUYS this shit, anyway?
* Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
* Put pairs of womens panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
* Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
*. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, Wow. Magic!
* Put M&Ms on layaway.
* Move Caution: Wet Floor signs to carpeted areas.
* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others youll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
* Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,…Im Batman. Come, Robin — to the Batcave!"
* TP as much of the store as possible.
* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
* Play with the calculators so that they all spell hello upside down. (01134)
* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, Why wont you people just leave me alone?"
* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, Red Rover!
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Take bets on the battle described above.
* Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect…)
* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
* While no ones watching, quickly switch the mens and womens signs on the doors of the restrooms.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
* Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyones jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
* Set up a Valet Parking sign in front of the store.
* Two words: Marco Polo.
* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
* Re-alphabetize the CDs in Electronics.
* In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.* Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like the fat man walks alone, and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
* While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, No, no! Its those voices again!
* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you dont get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
* Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying Good girl, good Bessie."
* Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.
* In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: Hi! (giggle) Whats your sign? (giggle). When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. Hi! (giggle) Whats your sign? (giggle).
* Hold indoor shopping cart races.
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles. * Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. * Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
* Say things like, Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?
* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., Do you have any Shnerples here?
* Ride a display bicycle through the store — claim youre taking it for a test drive.
* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
* Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples carts when they arent paying attention.

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word.

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, No, No, you went on a trip on a train. Thats the grown up word.

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.

He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, Winnie the Shit.

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jacks liquor
store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, Oh Jack, give me a pint
o the brandy.

Sister Mary Katherine, exclaimed Jack, I could never do that! I have
never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!

Oh, Jack, she responded, its only for the Mother Superior. Her voice
dropped. It helps her constipation, you know.

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night, Jack closed the store and
walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary
Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing,whirling
around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, Sister Mary
Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superiors
constipation!

Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied, And so it is, me
lad, so it is. When she sees me, shes gonna shit!

Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? Because they both drip when theyre fucked!

From janet, the ftp sysmonster:

A woman walks into her psychiatrists office and says,
Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about
Freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one
last night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and
I meant to say, please pass the salt, but instead I
said, You fucking bitch, you ruined my life.