Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmatic. Why asks his father? The teacher asked How much is 2×3? and I said 6 But thats right! Then she asked me how much is 2×3? Whats the fucking difference? Thats what I said!

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tune. The woman cocked her ear: Quick, its my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

What are you doing lying on the bed naked? he asked.

Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you. she replied with a knowing smile.

Great he said Ill just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes.

Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover clapping his hands in mid-air.

Who the devil are you? the husband demanded.

Im from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths. the lover replied.

But … but youve got no clothes on! stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, The little bastards!

A press release that I recently received. Ive read this book and
liked it enough to buy several copies to give to friends. I didnt
find it all that offensive (obscene, yes, but not offensive). But,
I guess book marketing has to move with the times, and if offense sells…

By the way, Reverend Fing is wildely rumored to be a non-de-plume
of this Palmer guy…

News Release

February 19, 1989

Contact: Nick Palmer
(206) 882 4500

FUCK, YES! AUTHOR COMPLAINS OF DEATH THREATS

The Reverend Wing Fu Fing complained today that Christian leaders
were refusing to threaten his life because of the offensive nature of his
novel, Fuck, YES! A Guide to the Happy Acceptance of Everything.
My book is just as obnoxious as anybody elses, Wing Stated, I
certainly deserve a price on my head. Maybe $4 million is too much to
ask. How about some McDonalds coupons?

Reacting to the massive news coverage given to Satanic Verses by
Salman Rushdie, Wing announced that Waldenbooks, Daltons and many others
major book chains have refused to carry his book for a full year before
Rushdies Novel appeared. Also, the Canadian government has attempted to
ban it. But do you think anybody cares? Wing bitched.

This is another example of America being bested by foreign competition,
according to Nick Palmer, spokesman for Shepherd Books, publisher of
Fuck, YES! If some of our so-called religious leaders would climb out
of bed and whip good Christians everywhere into a frenzy, then foreigners
would be buying American books instead of Americans buying foreign books.

Fuck, YES! is a novel in the form of a self-help book; it has been
highly praised by reviewers in several obscure magazines. It really is a
shame, according to book reviewer Talcott Blitch. Fuck, YES! could
potentially offend millions of people across the world, but its being
virtually ignored. Really, theres something in there thatll bother
every special interest group but lesbians.

When asked about Reverend Wing, Palmer said, Wings bananas.
However, he pointed out, the Ayatollah Khomeinis orders to kill Rushdie
have spurred sales of Satanic Verses far beyond the wildest hopes of
its publishers. If someone threatens Wing, were going to put him on
Letterman or Carson, I can promise you that. This suckers not going into
hiding. Thats not the American way. Thats for sure.

This uncopyrighted material copied by–gordon letwin.

A long time ago in a country far, far away…

Noah built his ark according to the instructions received, loaded it up with every animal under the sun, in pairs, and set off.

And it rained.

And it rained some more.

etc

etc

So, having sailed about for a couple of weeks, Noah has a problem. All these animals eat. And when they eat they prodeuce:

SHIT

Lots of shit.

More shit in one area than has ever been seen.

And every kind of shit.

Noah is in a quandry. So he gets all his sons together and tells them to collect all the shit they can and get it up on deck. Noah digs in too and they set about offloading a half a zillion tonnes of turd overboard.

And that would be the very unamusing end to our story if it were not for the actions of a chap we shall call Chris.

Who set sail, and in the year 1492 discovered it.

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a
mural-sized painting of Custers last thought. The artist was told to make it
highly symbolic of Custers mindset during the debacle at Little Big Horn.

Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false starts, she
proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work,
the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, was a beautiful
crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fishs head was a
halo. In the background, the hills and meadows were covered with naked Native
American couples copulating.

The curator was both disgusted and baffled by what he saw. In a rage he turned
to the artist and asked, What the hell has this got to do with Custers last
thought?

The artist replied, Custers last thought had to have been: Holy Mackerel!
Where did all these fucking Indians come from?

Richard Branson, after naming his record company, film company and airline Virgin Records, Virgin Films, and Virgin Atlantic respectively breaks into the condom market. Finally he has a product that is in some way associated to the name of the company. So what does he do? Names them Mates condoms. What a wasted opportunity. Perhaps he thought people would only use them on virgins.

Jiffy Condoms

A competitor (at least in the UK) is Jiffy condoms. They ran a campaign a couple of years back with some amazing T-shirts with the following slogans: (There were more, but I cant remember them).

Got a stiffy?

Wear a Jiffy.

Me no daft, me no silly,

Me wear Jiffy on my Willy.

Real men come in a Jiffy.

If shes hot and needs some succour

Wear a Jiffy so you can fuck her.

Old Halloween gag

Heard about the two homosexual ghosts?

They put the willies up each other.

NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like youre paying by the hour and trying to get your moneys worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, theres a difference between being erotic and blowing as if youre trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partners face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, its not passion, its avoidance.

SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and soothe them.

BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a womans nipples, then clamp down like theyre trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They cant stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending theyre a doggie toy isnt.

TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like youre trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a high way with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which youve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you are going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the mans responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, dont pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell shes not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kids toy.

GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where its all at. No sooner is your hand down there than youre trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if youre not careful, it can hurt – so dont get carried away. Its best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
Youre attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Dont force the issue by stripping before shes at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if its just undoing a couple of buttons.

TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first!

GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – shell soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

COMING TOO SOON.
Every mans fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her its more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while youre playing Marathon Man.

ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really dont know, dont ask.

PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Dont act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until shes eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. Its about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When shes performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do whats necessary.

MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Dont thrust. Shell do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And dont grab her head.

TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesnt feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And dont think that being drunk is an excuse.

TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, Can I take a photo of you? shell hear the words … to show my buddies. At least let her have custody of them.

NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no-no.

SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. Its as sexy as a belching contest.

ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless shes a Romanian gymnast, dont get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women dont.

GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Dont shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. Its not a big turn-on.

TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, shell let you know.

NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

NOT THANKING HER.
Dont forget that youre a fuckin slob … and youre lucky to have that goddess in your life. Be sure to thank her with BOTH words and actions.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork up his ass. He says, Howd you get a cork up your ass?

The other guy says, I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Genie came oozing out. He said, I am a Genie, I can grant you one wish. And I said, No Shit!

A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring hes been out jumping new bones.

Where the hell you been all night?

she demands.

At this fantastic new saloon, he says.

The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.

Bullshit! Theres no such place! Guy says, Sure there is! Joints got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinals gold! The wife still doesnt believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old mans story.

Is this the Golden Saloon?

she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

Yes it is, bartender answers.

Do you have huge golden doors?

Sure do.

Do you have golden floors?

Most certainly do.

What about golden urinals?

Theres a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,

Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

Oh no! he screamed, One of the engines just blew up!

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldnt maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

Say, spoke up an alert passenger, Arent those parachutes?

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?

There isnt, replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. Were going to get help.