Twas the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works

Ive busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of Thanks Santa – what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes – if that aint damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days – they all are the pits
They want the impossible ….Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yos – No request for them
They want computers and robots…they think Im IBM!

If you think thats bad…just picture this
Try holding those brats…with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose – they grab at my beard
And if I dont smile..the parents think Im weird

Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
Im quitting this job…theres just no enjoyment
Ill sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

Theres no Christmas this year…now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. Im going SOUTH for the season!

Recently, somewhere in the US a teacher gave his class a not-too-kosher maths test which landed him in the proverbial soup. The original was edited and given to the class in all seriousness (I think). But there was some logical reasoning behind it!

Many people claim the reason innner city students do poorly on standardized tests is because the tests are culturally biased as part of an evil white surburbanite plan. This is of course a much more likely explanation than the idea that drugs, running gun battles and teen pregnancy are disruptive to education.

So, heres a culturally normalized standard test.

City of East Los Angeles

High School Math Proficiency Final Exam

Name:____________

Alias:____________

Gang:____________

Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots, and he shoots 13 times at every drive by shooting, how may drive by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Ricky for $320 and 2 grams to D.J. for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesnt cut it?
Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If his price is $65 per fuck, how many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound pound of heroin and make a 20% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for stealing a Chevy, and $200 for a 4×4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4x4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $1000?
Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can Tagger spray if he steals 3 cans of paint and finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?
Hector has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $235 per month rent goes up 15%, how many children should she have to keep up with expenses?
Salvator was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose for jumping bail?

So, how did you do?

One thing I still cant figure out though is how a South African from the far corner of Earth with no telephone or television knows about Indy Car (which is only popular in the US) and can use miles per hour (we use kph here) whereas some SuperCitizens dont know about Formula One (Nigel Mansell won back to back F1 and Indy Car championships – the Indy Car was won in his rookie year!!) and may not know what kph stands for.

Yes ladies and gentlemen Canada is north, and Mexico is south, but east and west there *are* other people, cultures, countries and other interesting thing that werent made in America.

Deep in the woods sat a bear and a squirrel at the communal latrine. Hmmm says the bear to the squirrel, Do you find that shit tends to stick to your fur?

Yes it does replies the squirrel.

Great! says the bear, and wipes his ass with the squirrel.

(My sister commented to me yesterday about an amusing joke in the
New York Times Magazine Section:)

How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?

She asks them for a commitment.

Lets:

…make like a tree and leave.
…make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.
…make like a bird and flock off
…make like horse sh!t and hit the trail.
…make like a banana and split.
…make like a missile and cruise.
…make like a fetus and head out.
…make like a baby and head out.
…make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.
…make like a drum and beat it.
…make like a drummer and beat it.
…make like a bee and buzz off.
…make like Diarrhea and run
…make like a tire and hit the road
…make like Linda Lovelace and blow.
…make like a terrorist and blow this place.
…make like a busboy and get the fork out of here.
…make like a douche and get the fuck out of there.
…make like a strawberry and jam.
…make like traffic and jam.
…make like stockings and run.
…make like a sock and run.
…make like a loaf of French bread and baguette.
…make like a bakery truck and haul buns outta here.
…make like a bread truck and haul buns.
…make like a Bakery truck and Move your buns.
Were off like a prom dress!!!
…make like a prom dress and take off.
Were off like pants in the dark.
…make like the devil and get the hell out of here.
…make like the Red Sea and split.
…make like the Red Sea and part.
…make like a banana in the presence of ice cream and split
…make like an amoeba and split…!
…make like the wind and blow.
…make like a tomato and Ketch-up.
…make like a driver and Keep On Truckin.
…make like a teamster and Keep On Truckin.
…make like a hippy and Keep On Truckin.
…make like the Dead and Keep On Truckin.
…make like lightning and bolt.
…make like a Nut and Bolt.
…make like a rectum and get the sh*t out of here.
…make like a donkeys d!ck and hit the road.
…make like [insert name of unpopular politician or personality] and blow.
…make like Michael Jackson and Beat it!
…make like a hippy and blow this place.
…make like Santa Claus and leave your presents (presence)!
…make like Tom and Cruise.
…make like Pablo and Cruise.
…make like Pablo and Pick Ass Off here. (?)
…make like a Hewlett Packard Laser Printer and jet.
…make like a jacket and zip.
…make like a magnet and flux off.
…make like Levis and fade away.
…make like a bowel, and move.
…make like a tie and hang around some more.
…make like a botanist and leaf.
…make like a dog and flea.
…make like a register and shift.
…make like newlyweds; remain in bed all day. (or go to bed early.)
…make like an unstructured program, and go (to).
…make like Houdini and disappear
…make like a mongrel and get lost
…make like a teeny-bopper singer and fade away
…make like data and move
…make like make(1) and update (your location)
…make like a football and kickoff
…make like a baseball player and home-run
…make like rot13 and shpx bss
…make like a pound and quid (quit).
…make like a jet and zoom.
…make like an airplane and take off.
…make like a hat and go on ahead.
…make like an atom and split.
…make like a Catholic and pull out.
…make like The Exorcist and get the hell outta here.
…make like rain and get the hail out of here.
Im going to take a sedimental journey and precipitate outta here.
Im off like exit(0).
Let us leave (lettuce leaf) (only works for 2+, obviously)
Off like a dirty shirt.
Off like the brides pajamas.
Were off lika a brides nightie…
Put an egg in my shoe and beat it.
Why dont you make like an asshole and post exit lines?
Hanging in there like stink on a stockyard boot.
Act like yesterdays lunch, go down and out the back.

Award Winners…

The award winner for the most relevant and irrelevant contribution;
There were other versions (corrections… sheesh!) but this was the first.
And dont forget my favorite (from Back to the Future):

Make like a tree, McFly. Get outta here.
–AMS

The award winner for the most tasteless contribution;

…make like an abortion and head out early.

BONUS JOKE-

What the marketing director of a major condom manufacturing company
said when asked to come up with a new gimmick for their new line
of condoms;

Lets make like bullfrogs and ribbit

– P. Inglis, Waterloo Ontario Canada.

A guy is walking thru the woods with a shotgun, hunting for bears, when all
of a sudden he sees one. He shoots at it, but misses.

The bear, annoyed, goes up to the guy: Did you just shoot at me?

Guy says, Yeaa…

Bend over! says the bear. Or Ill eat you.

The guy figures, Fuck! Its a bear! so he bends over, and the bear
fucks him up the ass.

Next day, same guy, bigger shotgun, same bear. Did you just shoot at me?

Yeaaaa…

Bend over!

So the guy figures, Fuck! Its a bear! …and gets it up the ass again.

Third day, same thing… Did you just shoot at me?

Yeaaaa…

So the bear goes, Ummm… You dont come here to hunt, do you?

(__) )__( vv vv
(oo) (oo) ||—-|| *
/——-/ *——-/ || | /
/ | || / | || /——-/
* ||—-|| / ||—-|| (oo)
^^ ^^ vv vv (~~)

USA Cow Nerd USA Cow Australian Cow

(__) (__) (__)
(00) (-o) (–) . . . (*>YAWN==/—–||
ooo^^ ^^ ooooooooooooooooo ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow taking Cow in deep Cow getting the shit
a shit shit kicked out of her

o o
|__| (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) =(oo)= oo
/——-/ /——-vv /——-/
/ | || / | || / | ||
* ||—-|| * ||—-|| * ||—-||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
bill bixby bela lugosi boris karloff claude rains
male relative cow cow cow cow

/ __
/ ||
(__) (__) / (_||_)
SooS (oo) / (oo)
/——S/S /——-/ /S /——-/
/ | || / | || / S / | ||
* ||—-|| * ||—-||___/ S * ||—-||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
This cow belonged Ben Franklin owned Abe Lincolns
to George Washington this cow cow

(__)
* (__) (oo)
(oo) /——/
——-/ /| |/ |
| ==$ || / | [) ||
||—-|| * ||—-||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Old One Arm belonged This cow was given to
to Caesars Palace Hugh Hefner for his Birthday

(___) (__) (__)
( O ) (oo) (oo)
/——- / /——–/
/ | ||V | |
* ||—-|| ||——||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
The cyclops that Jason and This cow lived with
the Argonauts met had this cow Dr. Doolittle

(__) (__)
[##] (@o)
/——-/ /——-/ /——-(__)
/ | || / | || / | || (oo)
* ||—-|| * ||—-|| * ||—-|—/
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^
This cow belonged This cow lived with This cow belonged to
to Liliann V.L. the Little Rascals the Headless Horseman

(__)
(oo)
/—+ +–/
/ | | | ||
* ||-+ +-||
^^ ^^ *

David Copperfields Cow David Copperfields other Cow

(__)
(oo)
/^^^-m
(__) / )
(oo) o /| /|/|_ | /|
/ / / / _ / | | | |
/ _===^ ___\_____/___ |__|_|
___|__/ |/ (___________(_) //|| ||
* ^ ^ * ww ww

Mrs. OLearys Cow Cownt Dracula

(__) (__) (__)
(/) ($$) (**)
/——-/ /——-/ /——-/
/ | 666 || / |=====|| / | ||
* ||—-|| * ||—-|| * ||—-||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^

Satanic cow Yuppie Cow Cow in love
____
(____)
.xxxx.
(__) (oo)
(oo) /——/
/——-/ / | |============>
/ | || * ||—-| (~)
* ||—-|| ~~ ~
~~ ~~ Moo-ammar Cowdafi
holy cow (armed and dangerous) (—)
( )
(___) (___) /—–
(o o) (o o) | |
/——- / /——- / | | |
/ | ||O / | O~ ||O | | |
* ||,—|| * ||,—|| | * |
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
A Bull A-bomb-in-a-bull No-bull Coward

(__) \__ (__)
(oo) o (oo) (oo)
/——-/ ____\___/ *+——-/
/ | || / | || ||______||
* ||—-|| * ||—-|| ||—-||
OO OO OO OO OO OO
Detroit cow Mustang cow pickup cow

(__) (__) \_||_~
(oo) (oo) (*||*)
/—————/ /—-/ /——-||/
/ | || / || / | ||
* ||————|| *-||—-|| * ||—-||
OO OO OO OO OO }{
li-moo-cow fastback cow teenagers cow

(____) (____) (____)
(oo ) (o o) ( OO)
/———– / /—– /—- /———– /
/ || | / / | | / | / || | /
/ || |||| | | | | | / || ||||
* ||||—–|||| *| | |—–| | | * ||||—–||||
// // / / / / ^^^^ ^^^^
This cow belonged This was Salvatore No one was sure whether
to Pablo Picasso Dalis favorite cow M.C. Eschers cow had
four legs or eight

(__) (__)
^^ (oo) (–)
^^^^ /——-/ /-/-
^^^^^ / | || /| |
^^^^^ * ||—-|| ^ | | ^
^^^^^^^^ ====^^====^^==== | |
^^^^^^^^^^^^^/ /—-
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ /
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^ * ^
Cow surfing at Malibu Cow sunning at Fort Lauderdale
(What a bod, huh guys?)

* (__)
(DD)
/——-/
| / | ||_\_/
| (__) * ||—-|
\|| (oo) ^^ ^
|| \/ Cow chugging brews and staring at
^^ || sunbathers at Fort Lauderdale
\ ||
\||
|
^^ / / / / / / / / / / /
\_ / / / / / / / / / / / /
\_ / / / / / _______ / /
Cow skiing a Black Diamond at Aspen / / / / | / /
/ / / (__)| / /
/ / / (oo)| / /
( @@@ ) /——-/ |
( @@ ) (————) / | ||^_|
@@ (__) ( *>COUGHCOUGH

1. Woman who goes to mans apartment for snack, gets titbit.

2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

4. Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in face.

5. Passionate kiss like spider web–lead to undoing of fly.

6. Man with holes in pockets, feels cocky all day.

7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

8. Virginity like balloon–one prick, all gone.

9. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

11. Baseball all wrong–man with four balls cant walk.

12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

18. When lady say no, she mean maybe, When lady say maybe, she mean yes, When lady say yes–she no lady!

1.yo mama so short she has to get a running start to get on the toilet seat



2.yo mama so fat she steps outside and makes a solar eclipse





3.yo mama so old she got powdered milk…



(add water)





4.yo mama so fat i tried to drive around her and ran out of gas on the way





5.yo mama so slutty she can suck start a car





6.yo mamas like a tv even a two year old can turn her on





7.yo mama so stupid if you paid her a penny for her thoughts youd get back change





8.yo mamas like a shotgun one cock and she blows





9.yo mama so poor she needs a discount at the dollar store





10.yo mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone





11.yo mama like a bag of fritos…fri-to-lay





12.yo mama so fat you have to roll over two times just to get off her





13.yo mama so stupid she sits on the tv and watches the couch





14.yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gas money





15.yo mama so ugly she makes blind kids cry

Why do white people go to yard sales in the ghetto?

To get there shit back!