The Queen and Di were out for a drive in one of the Queens Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leapt out of the bushes and stopped the car. Give us your money, they shouted at the Queen.

But Im the Queen of England; I have no need for money.

Oh, shit, said the leader of the armed band, and turned to Di. Give us yer jewels.

But I dont wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions.

The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching. Quick, out of the car. Well have the Range Rover at least!

And with that the robbers drove off. As the Queen and Di waited for the police to get there, Di turned to the Queen. What did you do with all the cash you had? Youre always loaded.

Ah, said the Queen, I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little private place that women have. Reaching under her skirt, she produced several thousand pounds in notes.

And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewelry, my dear, the Queen said to Di.

Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have. Reaching down, she plucked out her jewelry.

They both sat quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turned to Di. You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have that Range Rover.

Once upon a time there was a stork family – papa stock, mama stork and
baby stork. One evening papa stork didnt show up for dinner. Mama stork and
baby stork left the food out for him but he didnt come home at all that night.
When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked, Papa
stork, where were you last night?

Out making a young couple very happy, replied papa stork.

Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork
and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork
didnt come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in,
baby stork asked, Mama stork, where were you last night?

Out making a young couple very happy, replied mama stork.

Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama
stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasnt home
by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didnt come in
until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa
stork barked, Where the hell were you baby stork? as his tired son dragged
himself over the threshold.

Out scaring the shit out of college students, replied baby stork.

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens…
Old Cock: Welcome to the farm. Well work together towards productivity. Young Cock: Whattya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, cant I help you with some?

Young Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all.

Young Cock: Okay. What kind of competition?

Old Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and — BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, Damn. Thats the fifth gay chicken I bought this week.

Theres that man, who has a cock 50 cm long. And he cant get fucked, cause no lady can take it that sky-high. Well, hes desperate and the only way out seems the Ookaburra witch. Well, the man decides to seek help from the witch. Entering the dark cottage, a voice speaks: I know why You are here… 3 kilometers east from here there is a swamp. In the middle of the swamp on a stone sits the largest frog on earth. If You get him to answer no to one of Your questions, Your cock will get 10 cm shorter.

Well, in the swamp they meet and after a little thought he asks: Frog, will you marry me? – No

The man goes behind a small tree and checks it out – wow! 10 cm shorter!

Well, surely enough he goes again and asks: Frog, will you marry me? – No!

He goes behind the tree again and looks: only 30 cm long! 20 cm would be just right…

Again, he asks: Frog, will you marry me? – How many times do I have to say – NO!, NO! and once more NO!!!

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric companys complaint department to ask for help.

The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much., said the nun.

Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade., said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, I think the term they actually use is fucking shovel!.

A priest is walking along a pier in Rome when he sees a fisherman ready to go out fishing.

He starts a conversation and the fisherman asks if he would like to go fishing with him. The priest says he knows nothing about fishing. The fisherman says hell explain everything the priest needs to know.



As soon as they get out into deep water, the priest reels in this huge fish. The fisherman looks at the fish and says Father, thats one big son-of-a-bitch



The priest looks at the man and says My son, please refrain from using that kind of language.



The fisherman thinks quick and says No father, thats what they call this type of fish, a son-of-a-bitch



The priest, knowing nothing about fishing says What an interesting name



When they get back to land, the priest is excited about the fish he caught. He runs to the parish and sees the Bishop in the Chapel.



Hey Bishop, look at the size of this son-of-a-bitch I just caught



The Bishop jumps back and says Father, how dare you use that kind of language in church



The priest says No,Bishop, thats the name of this type of fish. Its called a son-of-a-bitch



The Bishop says Really, well how about if I clean the son-of-a-bitch and then Ill take it to Mother Superior so she can cook the son-of-a-bitch



The Bishop cleans the fish and brings it to the Mother Superior.



Mother Superior, I just cleaned this son-of-a-bitch, would you mind cooking it for supper



The Mother Superior gasps Bishop, you of all people should know better than to use that kind of language



The bishop says No sister, thats what you call this type of fish. Its called a son-of-a-bitch



Oh says the Mother Superior, Of course Ill cook the son-of-a-bitch



That night at supper, the Pope comes over for dinner and comments on how delicious the fish was and wonders where they got it.



The priest says I caught the son-of-a-bitch



The bishop says I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch



The Mother Superior says I cooked the son-of-a-bitch



The pope looks at all three for a long time, puts his feet on the table and his hands behind his head and says You know, you fuckers are OK

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to scream, and we arent going to know when to take off!

Yo Mamma is so ugly, I went into your house saw her TV was covered with cockroaches!

I asked her what she was watching, and she said All My Children

A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me.

The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit! he shouts.



The bartender becomes angry. Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names.



The drunk persists. For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!



Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, maam. What can I get for you?



The woman replies, Oh,… Ill have a vinegar and water, please!

Once upon a time a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, I was once a handsome prince, until an
evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back
into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with mum,
and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and
forever feel happy doing so.

That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to
herself and thought, I dont fucking think so.