A business man from France checks into a High class hotel. He checks into his room and ready to nap when he heard a nock on the door.

(knock knock)

Man: Who iz it!

Maid: The maid sir. would you care for fresh sheets on your bed.

Man: Go away!! I dont carez for any fresh shit on my bed.

Confused, the maid leaves the sheets outside his door. Later that evening the French man decides to go down to the hotel restraunt and have dinner.

Before ordering the waiter asks: Sir, can I interest you in a glass of wine and a clean fork on your table.

Man: Excuzzze me! But I dont care to have a clean fuck on the table. I shall dine elseware.

So he exits the restraunt, and proceeds to dine across the street. While walking. A bum approaches and ask him for a dollar. The french man pulls out a dollar. Thinking this is an American tradition in this country.

The bum replys: Thank you sir. (holds up two fingers) Peace to you man!!

Man: Oh Ya! Well piss on you too hippie!!!

These are real examples from real resumes. (DONT let this happen to YOU!)

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

Responsibility makes me nervous.
They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldnt work under those conditions.
Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
Work Experience: Dealing with customers conflicts that arouse.
Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
Im a rabid typist.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Gods sitting up in his ivory tower, hes had enough of the pressures and stresses of being number one, so hes decided to go on holiday.

He calls all his super-being mates up and they pop round to discuss a few suggestions over a pint and a joint.

What about Mars? says one of them.

Nah, I went there 15,000 years ago, says God. It was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty.

What about Pluto? suggests another.

Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago, says God. F***ing freezing.

What about Mercury then? says another.

Its nice but I went there about 5000 years ago. I nearly burnt me bollocks off it was that hot. Never again, says God.

Well what about earth then? suggests another.

You must be joking, says God, I went there about 2000 years ago, shagged some Israeli bird, and theyre still f***ing talking about it.

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didnt want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first womans husband phones the other husband and said, These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties. Thats nothing, said the other. Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!

Confusius say: He who drop watch in toilet, have shitty time.