Bill Clinton is sitting next to a White House intern one day at a
gathering. The President says to her, Would you like to come to the Oval
office and see my clock?

She says, No, Mr. President, I dont think so.

The President replies, Please. Id really like to show it to you.

No, Mr. President, I really cant.

Come on. Come and see my clock. Itll only take a minute.

All right. If it wont take long.

They go to the Oval Office. The President sits down, unzips his
pants, and pulls out his dick.

The intern says, Thats not a clock, its a cock.

To which the President says, If you put two hands and a face on it, its a
clock sweetheart.

There once was a man who wanted to go fishing so he asked his wife if she wanted to go fishing or not and she said NO. So the man said you can either go fishing, take it annal, or give him a blow job. He told her to think about it while he put the dog in the truck. When he came back she said she would give him a blow job. So she did five minutes later she stops and said this tastes like shit. And he said the dog didnt want to go fishing either.

On a certain day, a nusery skool pupil was coming back from skool and he borded a danfo bus. On the way he started reciting what he has been thought at skool, he was saying things like; if my mfather is a cock and my mother a hen then i am a chicken, if my father is lion and my mother a lioness, then i a cub, if my father is a ram and my mother a sheep, then i am a lamb…and things like that. the danfo driver felt disturbed by the little boys pratling and wanted to ask the boy a question that will make him keep quit and he asked ; if u father is a drunk and ur mother an ashawo, what re u. And the boy answered i am a danfo driver.

A poem from a black fella to a white fella.

Dear white fella, somethings you should know:

when I was born, I black

when I grow up, I black

when I go in sun, I black

when I cold, I black

when I scared, I black

when I mad, I black

when I sick, I black

and when I die, I still black.

You white fella:

when you born, you pink

when you grow up, you white

when you go sun, you brown

when you cold, you blue

when you scared, you yellow

when you mad, you red

when you sick, you green

and when you die, you grey.

And you have the fuckin nerve to call me colored.

One day in the future, Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

I dont know what to do here, says the devil. Youre on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so Ill tell you what Im going to do. Ive got a couple folks here who werent quite as bad as you. Ill let one of them go, but you have to take their place. Ill even let you decide who leaves.

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

No, Bill said. I dont think so. Im not a good swimmer and I dont think that I could do that all day long.

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Al Gore with a mop and a room full of spotted owls. All he did was clean up owl droppings, hour after hour after hour.

No, no, this really stinks. I would be in constant agony if I had to smell owl shit all day, commented Bill.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what Monica does best.

Clinton looked at this in disbelief and finally said, Yeah, yeah, I can handle this.

The devil smiled and said OK, Monica, youre free to go!

December 14th

Dearest John:



I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldnt have been more surprised.



With dearest love and affection, Agnes



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December 15th



Dearest John:



Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…. Im just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.



All my love, Agnes



——————



December 16th



Dear John:



Oh, arent you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I dont deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist…. youre just too kind.



Love Agnes



———



December 17th



Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but dont you think enough is enough? Youre being too romantic.



Affectionately, Agnes



———————



December 18th



Dearest John:



What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. Youre just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.



All my love, Agnes



——————



December 19th



Dear John:



When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So youre back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I cant sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!



Cordially, Agnes



—————-



December 20th



John:



Whats with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? Theres bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. Im a nervous wreck and I cant sleep all night. ITS NOT FUNNY…….So stop with those fucking birds.



Sincerely, Agnes



—————-



December 21st



OK Buster:



I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? Its not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I cant move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.



Ag



—————-



December 22nd



Hey Shithead:



What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now theres nine pipers playing. And Christ – do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. Youll get yours.



From Ag



—————-



December 23rd



You Rotten Prick:



Now theres ten ladies dancing – I dont know why I call those sluts ladies. Theyve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows cant sleep and theyve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldnt be condemned. Im sic-ing the police on you.



One who means it, Ag



——————–



December 24th



Listen Fuckhead:



Whats with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope youre satisfied, you rotten swine.



Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister



————————————–



December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Buggar)



Dear Sir:



This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

This is one that I picked up off a bathroom wall while I was in the Navy.

I fucked in France,

I fucked in Spain.

I fucked up and down

the coast of Maine.

But Ill never be happy

Ill nerve be free.

Till I fucked the Navy

like the Navy fucked me.

A blind man applies for a job at a saw mill.

The owner interviewing him asks him what kind of a job he is interested in. The blind man says Inspecting wood.

The owner laughs and says But youre blind!

The blind man replies, Test me! I can sniff any wood and tell you what it is.

The owner agrees, and gives him a piece of wood to smell, Tell me what kind of wood this is.

The blind man plainly replies Its pine.

The owner looking surprised grabs another piece and sticks it under the blind mans nose. The blind man says it is mohagany.

The owner thinks for a bit, then says, I have one more piece for you to smell.

He gets his secretary to sit spread-eagle on his desk and he asks the blind man what kind it is, pushing his head toward the secretarys crotch.

The blind man replies, Wwwhheeeeewwwwww wwwwweeeeeee!

Thats the shit-house door off of a tuna trolley!

A married couple are having marital problems. the go to a couselor. The wife explains to him that there are two things about her husband that bother her: Hes always picking his nose and he never lets her get on top when they have sex.

The marraige couselor asks the husband to explain this. The husbands replies that before his father passed away, he gave him two pieces of advice: Always keep your nose clean and never fuck up.

If it smells like tuna, you should of been there soona. If it smells like trout, you best get the fuck out.

If it smells like bass, youd best stick it in the ass. If it smells like grouper, youd best put it in her pooper. If it smells like shark, youd best get her in the dark.