Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.

He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up – Down – Left and right).

OJ runs up to Mike and says – Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???

Mike replies – No, he said – You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).

The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.

One day little john came home with an F on his math test his dad asks

How did you get an F on the math test little john replies The teacher asked what is 2 times three and i answered 6 the dad says uh hun then little john said The teacher asked what 3 times 2 was the father says whatthe fuck is the difference and little john says thats what i said.

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three – which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog, Measure, was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the Union Member and said What can your dog do?

The Teamster member called his dog, whose name was Coffee Break, and said, Show the fellows what you can do.

Coffee Break went over and ate the cookes, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmans Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, Boy, business sucks. If I dont sell more cars this month, Im going to lose my fucking ass.

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

Thats okay, the blonde replied, If I dont sell more ass this month, Im going to lose my fucking car.

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off
white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man.
She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

What seems to be the problem, Madam? asked the attendant.

Cant you see? she said, Youve sat me next to a kafir. I cant
possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!

Please calm down, Madam. the stewardess replied. The flight is very
full today, but Ill tell you what Ill do. Ill go and check to see if we
have any seats available in club or first class.

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to
mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the
stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who
cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and
self-satisfied grin.

Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. Ive spoken to the
cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one
seat in first class.

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: It is
most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to
get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the
captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit
next such an obnoxious person.

With that, she turned to the black man and said: So if youd like to get
your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you…

At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing
ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custers Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custers mindset during the debacle at Little Big Horn.

Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false starts, she proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting.

Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fishs head is a halo.

In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.

The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, What the hell has this got to do with Custers Last Thought?

The artist replied, Custers Last Thought had to have been: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?

How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
Hes the one blowing the foam off his bedpan.

Where does an Australian family go on holiday?
A different bar.

Did you bear about the Chinese couple that bad a disabled baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why arent there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they are not going to work in the future either.

What do you call an Australian farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Queensland Australian schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday the sex education class uses it.

Whats the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern Zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f***?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell Bingo.

Whats the Cuban national anthem?
Row, row, row, your boat.

Whats the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins, Once upon a time… while a Southern fairytale begins, Yall aint gonna believe this shit…

Two hobos are walking down railroad tracks, havent eaten in a couple days, and are starving. Ahead of them, lying on the tracks, is a dead buzzard….maggots crawling all over the badly decomposed bird…green flies swarming the stinking mass. Stopping to stare at the smelly thing, one hobo says, Lets eat this bastard. The other hobo says, Naw, Im gonna wait and have a HOT meal. The first hobo replies, Well, Im too damned hungry to wait, Im eatin this fuckin buzzard. The second hobo says, Suit yourself, but I aint waitin on you, and starts down the tracks again. Ravenously, the first hobo begins stuffing the rotton bird into his mouth. After licking the last maggot from his lips, he looks down the tracks and sees his buddy….by now about a mile away… and takes off running to catch up. After running 10 minutes in the hot August sun, the hobo catches up to his buddy…..sweating…panting….stomach churning from the rotten buzzard hed just eaten. Suddenly he begins to puke….every bit of the rotten buzzard is now laying in a putrid mass on the tracks. The second hobo smiles at the first hobo and says, See?? I told you I was gonna wait for a HOT meal.

For a boys 15th birthday, his father gave him a duck, and said, Go into town and see what you can get with this. The boy then went in search of the best deal he could find.

He first ran into a hooker who offered, Ill have sex with you if you give me the duck.

He agreed. Afterwards, she was so impressed she said, If you do it again, Ill give you the duck back.

He thought that this was an excellent deal, and agreed.

Since he had his duck back, he continued to walk through town to try to find something else. Suddenly, the duck flew out of his arms and into an oncoming truck. The driver of the truck was so sorry about killing the duck, he gave the boy 2 dollars.

When the boy arrived home, his father asked what he recieved for the duck.

His reply: Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked up duck!

Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.



As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears hed ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down tothe clearing, and the bears body is gone!



He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then theres a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and its the bear! You just tried to kill me, didnt you?. Says the bear.Uh, no. No I didnt. The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies.Yes you did. Dont lie, or Ill rip your arms off Uh, yeah, yeah I did. Alright, says, the bear, Ill let you go if you do one thing for me. Whats that?, inquires the hunter. Give me a head-job. What?? On your knees So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing.



Well, the hunters pissed-off. Humiliated by a bear!, he thinks to himself. Ill teach that bastard. He runs to the local town, and buys an Uzi sub-machine gun, and runs back to the clearing. The bear is still there, basking in the sun. Ive got you now, bear, the hunter says to himself, andopens fire from behind the rock.



Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear. Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. You just tried to kill me again, didnt you?. Says the bear. Uh, no. No I didnt, lies the hunter. Yes you did. Dont lie, or Ill rip your legs off Ok! I did. Alright, says, the bear, Ill let you go if you do one thing for me. Whats that?, inquires the hunter. Drop your pants and bend over No way! Ok. Prepare to get your legs ripped off. Alright! Ill do it, you bastard So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing, walking rather gingerly.



Ill fucking get the bastard this time, the hunter thinks to himself, and buys a rocket launcher. He runs back to the clearing, and blasts everything into oblivion. Trees are on fire, rocks are broken, the ground is scorched. Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear.



Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. Youre not here for the hunting, are you?, says the bear.