At one time I had a whole list but these are all I can remember. Please send me any additions or the original list if you have it.

IN HONOR OF NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK OUR FRIEND WEE WILLY RUBBER REMINDS US:

Dont be a fool! Vulcanize your tool!
About to blast her? Cover your bushmaster.
Going out? Shroud your sprout!
Undressing Venus? Dress up your penis!
befo da van start to rockin put yo cock in a stockin!
When being a charmer, a coverd dick will never harm her.
About to dick her? Dont forget your slicker.
Before spreading thighs be sure to condomize.
Taking out the trouser mouse? Dont forget his rubber blouse.

A teacher comes into class and ask the students to tell a story with a moral to it. Little Timmy raises his hand and says my family owns a farm and my father spent a lot of money on new equipment. The crops had a bad year and he had to sell all the new equipment.


The teacher asked him what was the moral of the story?


Timmy answered, dont count your chickens before their hached


very good Timmy said the teacher who would like to go next?


Little Jenny raises her hand and says My father goes to the market early everyday to get fresh milk for breakfast. One day he overslept and all the milk was sold out.


The teacher asked her, and what was the moral of the story?


Jenny answered, The early bird gets the worm.


Very good Jenny said the teacher who would like to go next?


Wendall in the back was raising his hand. Known for inappropiate comments,


the teacher reluctanly called upon him.


what is your story Wendall? said the teacher.


Wendall sits up and says, My Aunt Janet flew planes in the Gulf War and she was shot down in her plane with only her M-16, a knife, and a bottle of whiskey. She drank the bottle of whiskey while going down in the crash, when she got out of her plane she was surrounded by enemies. She took her M-16 and shot them untill she ran out of bullets, then she killed as many as she could with her knife untill the blade broke, and then she killed the rest with her bare hands.


The horrified teacher asked, what could the moral of that story possibly be?!?!?


Wendall looked at the teacher and simply said, You dont fuck with Aunt Janet when shes been drinkin!

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word fuck. It is the one magical word, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. Fuck, as most words in the English language, takes its name from the German word fricken, which means to strike.

Fuck falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).

It can be an active verb (John really fucks up) or a passive verb (Mary doesnt really give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and a noun (Mary is a fine fuck).

It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful).

As you can see, there are not many words with the versatility of fuck.

Besides its sexual connotation, this lovely word can be used to describe many situations:

FraudI got fucked at the used car lot.
DismayOh, fuck it!
TroubleI guess Im fucked now.
AggressionFuck you!
PassiveFuck me.
ConfusionWhat the fuck?
DifficultyI cant understand this fucking business.
DespairFucked again.
ApathyWho gives a fuck.
IncompetenceHes all fucked up!
LazinessHes a fuck off.
DispleasureWhat the fuck is going on here?
IgnoranceFuck if I know.
DefianceThe fuck you can!
LostWhere the fuck are we?
AuthorityShut the fuck up.

It can be used in descriptive anatomy – Hes really a fucking asshole.
It can be used to tell time – Its five fucking thirty.
It can be used in business – How did I get this fucking job?
It can be a prediction – Oh, will I get fucked.
It can be maternal – as in Mother Fucker.
It can be nautical – Fuck the Admiral.
It can be political – Fuck Reagan.
It can open the door to wonderful relationships – Lets fuck.
It can be used just to enhance the meaning of a word – as in Beautifuckingful or Terfuckingific.

The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses. How can anyone be offended when you say Fuck? Use it in your daily speech, it adds to your prestige.

Today, tell someone FUCK YOU.

SOME ADDED QUIPS:

Remember General Custers famous last word:

Where did all those fucking Indians come from?

Also, the last words of the mayor of Hiroshima:

What the fuck was that?

And finally, the immortal words of the captain of the Titanic:

Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!

The final list of things you hate about working at Mickey Ds…


here we go

People who cant turn off their big ass V8 engine when the pull up into the drive thru……we CANT hear you.

People who ask for fresh food, and complain about having to wait.

People who ask for a drink we dont have. Theres a friggin board people, use it!

People who ask if dollar menu items are still on the dollar menu. The dollar menu is the bright red menu in the middle, you tell me…

People who order supersize meals, and ask for a diet drink. Whats the purpose of this?

People who let their kids order in the drive thru. Seriously, these brats dont talk loud enough, and have no clue what they want.

People who actually collect our happy meal toys, and pester you about which ones we have.

People who pull off before you can give them their change.

People who pull off, forgetting their food, and blame you for not giving it to them.

People who cant understand that our shake machine is DOWN!

People who dont believe us when we run out of anything.

People who hang out for hours on end in the lobby without a good reason. Get the hell out and stop loitering.

People who leave beer cans in the parking lot, among other things, and dont care, knowing Ill have to clean that shit up.

People who start fights in the store. I dont wanna get in the middle of that shit, but Ill end up there.

People who bring in food, after waiting more than an hour, and complaining because its cold.

People who say something was nasty, and they want a replacement, but their dumb ass has already ate it.

People who ask how long its going to take for some fresher fries. Im starting to tell them at least 10 minutes.

People who ask us for something, as if were going to say no. Come on retards.

People who dont understand these things I hate about Mickey Ds at all.

And most of all, all customers that come to McDonalds. Thank you for in some way, making my job the most miserable thing in life.

A farmer goes to the industry with two fruits that he invented. The farmer gives the man one of the fruits and he tastes peach on the other side there is apple. Thefarmer told him to try the other one. The guy said, It tastes like shit. The farmer said, Turn it over…

Two buddies were walking down the warf one day.Jack asked Joe what is 99+347.Well Joe said,thats easy boy,thats 446.Joe boy your getting some smart Jack said.Well Jack I been eating smart pills.You got anymore Joe.Yes I got More.So then Joe puts his hand down the ass of his pants and takes one out and gives it to jack.Then Jacks says my Joe,this tastes like shit.Joe says well Jack,your getting smarter already.

What did the [ethnic] do before going to a cock fight?

He greased his zipper.

Theres this guy and he lives in the second largest state in America, which is California, and he wants to live in the largest state of America which is Alaska.

So he goes there for a few weeks and decides he wants to become a fully-fledged Alskan, so he goes in this pub to ask a bar man what he has to do to become a fully fledged Alaskan.

The barnabs says First you drink this liter of whisky, then youve got to kill a bear, and find a woman and rape her.

The guy gets confused, so he asked the barman to repeat it.

He comes back a week later beaten to shit.

What happened to you? said the barman.

Im nearly a fully fledged alaskan, all I gotta do now is kill a woman!

This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was in front of
the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. He noticed through the
corner of his eye that the gorilla had also bent down. Then when he stood
back up he saw that the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a
coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once again the gorilla
bent down. He stood up and the gorilla stood up. After glancing over his
shoulder to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the
air. And you guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick
out of it. He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would
copy everything he did. Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the
lower lid of his right eye down. At this point the gorilla reached through
the cage pulled the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, and generally
beat the shit out of him, then threw him back out of the cage. After
hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came running over to the man.

What on earth happened? asked the zookeeper. I dont know said the man.
He seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was jumping
around and he was doing every thing I was doing. Then all of sudden after I
did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell out of
me. Well, no wonder!!! exclaimed the zookeeper. That, (pulls lower
eyelid down) means F… YOU in gorilla talk! Oh, said the man, not quite
satisfied.

He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping
bag. Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping
around and the gorilla did the same. After a minute or two of this he
grabbed the bag and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them
into the cage. He lifted the other knife over his head at which point the
gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head. After a minute
of cutting the air with his knife and watching the gorilla do likewise the
man snuck a large salami out of the bag with his other hand and stuck it
between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and
whacked off the salami WHACK!!!

At this, the gorilla simply looked at the
man and pulled down his lower eyelid.

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, It is a crock of shit, and it stinks.
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, It is a pail of dung, and we cant live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy.
And this is how shit happens.