WARNING!!! This one has some profanity.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Moneys Tight

Times Are Hard

Heres Your Fuckin

Christmas Card!

Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

Everybody felt shitty

Even the mouse,

Mom at the whorehouse

And dad smoking grass

Id Just settled down

For a nice piece of ass,

When out on the lawn

I heard such a clatter

I sprung from my piece

To see what was the matter,

Then out on the lawn

I saw a big dick

I knew in a moment

It must be Saint Nick

He came down the chimney

Like a bat out of hell

I knew in a moment

The fucker had fell

He filled all our stockings

With pretzels and beer

And a big rubber dick

For my brother the queer

He rose up the chimney

With a thunderous fart

The son of a bitch

Blew the chimney apart

He swore and he cursed

As he rode out of sight

Piss on you all

And have a hell of a night

Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time and when he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out the front.

Neville thought to himself, I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house then I will get fired. So he went up to the door and knocked on it.

To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered. Neville breathed a sight of relief and said to the other bloke, Wheres ya bin?

The man replied, I bon on olidays,

Neville then said, Na, mate, wheres ya BIN?

I bin on olidays I tell ya, was the reply.

Neville, slightly frustrated, says, Na, ya fucken idiot – wheres ya Wheelie Bin?

The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening. Well, he said. I weally bin in jail – but Im tellin everyone I bin on olidays, eh!

Q. Why cant they find a cure for AIDS?

A. They cant get the mice to buttfuck.

Sung to the Oscar Mayerâ„¢ song:

His baloney has a first name,

Its I did not inhale.

His baloney has a second name:

I wasnt getting tail.

He loves to sling it every day,

The White House people all just say,

That Billy Clinton has a way

Of making bullshit sound OK!

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly. Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts: Women and children first.



Nixon goes: Fuck the women.



Clinton: Do you think we have time?

(Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: Peace on you. I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

1) Im bored. Lets shave my pussy!

2) Shouldnt you be out drinking with your friends?

3) Great fart!! Rip another one!

4) Pet names are silly. I just call it my c*nt.

5) You should see the shit I just birthed.

6) Id rather play Duke Nukem than go shopping.

7) Lets start subscribing to Hustler.

8) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?

9) Ill swallow it all. I love the taste of it!

10) Are you sure youve had enough to drink? Im buying.

Woman golfer lines up on the first tee. Slices it badly and she hears a guy wailing pitifully off by the side of the tee and when she looks at him in horror hes doubled over with his hands tightly clenched together over his crotch.

She dashes over, apologizing profusely. Im so sorry, she says, its OK, Im a nurse. I know what to do.

She gently undoes the mans fly (who converts his wailing to a whimper) and begins to stroke his todger.

There, there. she says, Does that feel better?

The guys eyes are still watering but he says, Sure, but shit… my thumbs still killing me!

What do you call a Paki that came last in a race?

– Ranshit

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and its clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, My husband is taking me to the French
Riviera for two weeks on vacation, and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes, and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we dont have much money and we dont have any material possessions. However, one thing I can
tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis. After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, Girls, Ive got a confession to make. I was just
trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about?
Well, its not to the French Riviera. Its to my parents house in Philadelphia for two weeks. The second one says, Your honesty has shamed me. Its not a Mercedes. He bought me a Honda. Well, the third
one says, I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!