In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

In a Tacoma, Washington mens clothing store: 15 mens wool suits, $10. They wont last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament-Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

Sign in an Acapulco Hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Sign in a Norwegian lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: Please do not disturb further.

Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Sign in a veterinarys waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Notice in a dry cleaners window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Sign from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

Sign in an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

Sign in a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist: Beware of bargains in 1. Parachutes 2. Life preservers 3. Brain surgery 4. Eye Care

Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX: Nobody reads billboards…. But you just did 🙂

An ad on the subway in NYC: Learn to read and speak English. Call us now.

An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed.

Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: Used beer department.