A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him. He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here… I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you dont believe me.

The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, Is everything in your establishment really gold?

Yes, he replied, everything is gold colored.

Even the urinal? she queried.

The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night.

If men ruled the world would be different

– Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to I love you.

– Hallmark would make Sorry, what was your name again? cards.

– When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.

– Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the bum would pretty much do it.

– Birth control could come in ale or lager.

– The funniest guy in the office would get to be the big boss.

– Sorry Im late, I got hammered last night, would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

– Itd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

– Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.

– Tanks would be far easier to rent.

– Instead of beer belly, youd get beer biceps.

– Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, Youre No. 1.

– Valentines Day would be moved to February 29.

– Cops would be broadcast live and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

– The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

– The only show opposite Friday Night Football would be Friday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

– It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of petrol.

– Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

– When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine, as in:

Cop: You know how fast you were going?

You: All I know is that I was spilling my beer all over the place.

Cop: Nice one. Thats $10 off.

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. We never ejaculate prematurely.

4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

5. When we buy a vibrator its glamorous. When men buy a blowup doll, its pathetic.

6. Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

9. Weve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

10. Taxis stop for us.

11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

12. We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?).

14. We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks were gay.

15. We know the truth about whether size matters.

16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

17. If we have sex with someone and dont call the next day, were not the devil.

18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

19. We can sleep our way to the top.

20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.

21. Its possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival Speedos.

23. We dont have to fart to amuse ourselves.

24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume its because were being emotionally neglected.

25. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

27. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse.

28. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

29. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

30. If were dumb, some people will find it cute.

31. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

32. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

33. If we marry someone 20 years younger, were aware that we look like an idiot.

34. Our friends wont think were weird if we ask whether theres spinach in our teeth.

35. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

36. Gay waiters dont make us uncomfortable.

37. Well never regret piercing our ears.

38. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts arent just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

And the number one thing women understand…

1. Other women!

I really feel that Ive grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldnt have given someone like you a second look.

Its been tough, but Ive come to accept that most people I date just wont be as smart as I am.

Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Who cares its not his house any more.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. Youre adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. Youre using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, Hows my driving – call 1-800-***-****.

6. Everyones head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Youre convinced theres a God and hes male.

8. Youre counting down the days until menopause.

9. Youre sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

A womans most important men:

Who are the most important men in women’s life:

The Doctor because he says take your clothes off.
The Dentist because he says open wide.
The Milkman because he says do you want it in front or back.
The Hair Dresser because he says do you want it teased or blown.
The Interior Designer because he says once it is in you will love it.
The Banker because he says if you take it out too soon youll loose interest.

A man walks into a building and gets into the elevator. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the fifth floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the lift and leans seductively against the wall.

The man doesnt know where to look and starts to get very nervous.

The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor.

At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.

Then she says Make a woman out of me.

He unbuttons his shirt,throws it on the floor and replies – Alright, iron that.