Three nuns were touring the local zoo one sunny afternoon having a picnic. While wandering around, they entered the monkey house.

Unfortunately, one of the nuns got to close to the gorilla cage and he pulled her inside. He savagely beat and raped the nun. It took 4 guards to pull the nun to safety. The nun spent three months in the hospital recovering and then was sent to a convent in England, for six months, to recover emotionally.

Amazingly, the same three nuns met up again the next year in the park. The younger of the two asked her if she minded talking about the experience in the zoo.

She said, Of course not.

The younger nun asked Did it hurt?

The sister replied Of course! He never called and he never wrote.

I Dont Think Hell Win Any Popularity Contests …

… On Monday morning it was determined to arrest the Greaser, Joe Pizzanthia, and to see precisely how his record stood in the Territory … A party started for his cabin, which was built on a side-hill. The interior looked darker than usual from the bright glare of the surrounding snow. The smmons to come forth being disregarded, Smith Ball and George Copley entered, contrary to the advice of their comrades, and instantly recieved the fire of their concealed foe. Copley was shot through the breast. Smith Ball recieved a bullet in the hip. They both staggered out, each ejaculating, Im shot. Copley was led off by two friends, and died of his wound. Smith Ball recovered himself, and was able to empty his six shooter into the body of the assassin, when the latter was dragged forth.

The popular excitement rose nearly to madness. Copley was a much-esteemed citizen, and Smith Ball had many friends. It was the instant resolution of all present that the vengeance on the Greaser should be summary and complete.

A party whose military experience was still fresh in their memory made a rush, at the double-quick, for a mountain howitzer which lay dismounted, where it had been left by the train to which it was attached. Without waiting to place it on the carriage, it was brought by willing hands to within five rods of the windowless side of the cabin, and some old artillerists, placing it on a box, loaded it with shell, and laid it for the building. by one of those omissions so common during times of excitement, the fuse was left uncut, and, being torn out in its passage through the logs, the missile never exploded, but left a clean breach through the wall, making chips fly. A second shell was put into the gun, and this time the fuse was cut, but the range was so short that the explosion took place after it had traversed the house.

Thinking that Pizantha might have taken refuge in the chimney, the howitzer was pointed for it and sent a solid shot through it. Meanwhile the military judgement of the leader had been shown by the posting of some riflemen opposite the shot-hole, with instructions to maintain so rapid a fire upon it that the beleaguered inmate should not be able to use it as a crenelle through which to fire upon the assailants. No response being given to the cannon and small-arms, the attacking party began to think of storming the dwelling.

The leader called for voulunteers to follow him. Nevada cast in her lot first, and men from the crowd joined. The half dozen stormers moved steadily, under cover of the edge of the last building, and then dased at the house, across the open space. The door had fallen from the effects of the fusilade; but, peeping in, they could not see anything until a sharp eye noticed the Greasers boots protruding. Two lifted the door while Smith Ball drew his revolver and stood ready. The remainder seized the boots.

On lifting the door, Pizanthia was found lying flat and badly hurt. His revolver was beside him. He was quickly dragged out, Smith Ball paying him for the would he had recieved by emptying his revolver into him.

A clothes-line was taken down and fastened round his neck; the leader climbed a pole, and the rest holding up the body, he wound the rope round the top of the stick of timber, making a jamb hitch. While aloft, fastening all securely, the crowd blazed away upon the murderer swinging beneath his feet. At his request,Say, boys! Stop shooting a minute-the firing ceased, and he came down by the run. Over one hundred shots were discharged at the swaying corpse.

A friend-one of the four Bannack originals-touched the leaders arms and said, Come and see my bonfire. Walking down to the cabin, he found that it had been razed to the ground by the maddened people, and was then in a bright glow of flame. A proposition to burn the Mexican was recieved with a shout of exultation. The body was hauled down and thrown upon the pile, upon which it was burned to ashes so completely that not a trace of a bone could be seen when the fire burned out.

In the morning some women of ill-fame actually panned out the ashes, to see whether the desperado had any gold in his purse.

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.

The second Catholic woman chirps, My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace.



The third Catholic woman says smugly, My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Eminence.



The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.



The first three women give her this subtle Well…?



She replies, My son is a gorgeous, 62, hard-bodied stripper………… Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Oh my God….

Whats the difference between your wife and your job?

After 5 years your job will still suck.

I saw my friend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger. When I pointed this out to her she said, I know, I married the wrong man.

heres one for all those who feel tired after a stressful working day…

An executive goes to see his doctor, complaining of feeling worn out all the time due to his long working hours. The doctor asks him a few questions about his lifestyle.

Doc: So, do you and your wife have an active sex-life?

Exec: Yes, doc, twice a day, once in the morning before I go to work and again last thing at night.

Doc: Hmm, and any other love interests?

Exec: Actually, my secretary, twice a day, once at eleven oclock when she brings my mid-morning coffee and again at four oclock when she brings my afternoon tea.

Doc: Hhhhmmmmm, and so you make love a total of four times a day?!

Exec: Actually, I also see my mistress twice a day, at lunch-time and we make love, and I pop round to see her on my way home from work and we make love then, too.

Doc: My God, man, no wonder youre always feeling exhausted! You really must take matters in hand!

Exec: But I do, doc, twice a day…

any resemblances between the characters in this joke and Ralph Halpern are purely coincidental

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.



This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.



The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.



The main replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldnt help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said The Gold Dust Twins are coming, and I had to smile.



Then she moved and sat under a sign that said Sloans Liniment will reduce the swelling and I had to grin.





Then she placed herself under a sign that said Williams Big Stick Did the Trick and I could hardly control myself.



BUT…when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident, I laughed out loud.



Case Dismissed! said the Judge.

What do you call a cow with no legs? GROUND BEEF!

One fine day, Nate the Snake was slithering through the forest when he came upon a level on a tree. The lever said IF YOU PULL THIS LEVER, THE WORLD WILL END. Now, Nate was a curious fellow, but was smart enough to know not to pull the lever. So, he decided to make it his duty to stand by the lever and warn the other animals that came by of the danger, since he knew most of them werent as smart.
The day wore on, and animal after animal came and went. Each one wanted to pull the lever, but Nate warned them of the danger.
Soon, the day drew to a close, and Nate began slithering toward his home, when an eighteen wheeler sped by, and upset an area of several large boulders that was very close to the tree.
One broke away, and began speeding toward the tree in such a way that it would hit the lever and end the world if it was not stopped. But no large animal was there to help, and Nate knew what he had to do.
Nate curled himself up into a tight little coil in the boulders path, bracing himself. The boulder struck him and killed him, but avoided the lever and the tree, and the world was saved.

This story just goes to show you – Better Nate than lever.

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asked an accountant.Watch and youll see, answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, Ticket, please. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.

So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didnt buy a ticket at all. How are you going to ride without a ticket? said one perplexed accountant.Watch and youll see, answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, Ticket, please.