(Context: the following joke is kicking around the NY State health
department right now, because some NY media types have finally
broken down and started mentioning condoms and AIDS in the same
breath, but are not discussing how one would use a condom in actually
preventing AIDS.)

Two junkies are sitting by the side of the road, happily shooting up
whatever it is that happy junkies shoot up with, and generally
having a good time. A socially conscious individual walks up and notices
that they are sharing a needle. He lectures them about AIDS and the
danger that comes from sharing dirty needles. One of the junkies looks
up and says, Its ok, were wearing condoms.

— Richard Welty

The New York Best Mix radio station has a bunch of summertime gimmicks
that attempt to boost listenership. One of them is Ticket Tuesday, where
listeners send in postcards with the tickets they want, and Mix 105 takes
care of the rest.

The idea is that you select the concert or play or whatever you want to see,
rather than waiting for, say, Metropolitan Opera tickets to be given away
to the tenth caller. Hmmm, right.

Unfortunately for the radio station, one metro-area listener took the
instructions a bit too literally, and when her card was pulled, the promo
department was forced to take care of her seven Manhattan parking tickets.

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

Yes, were fine. Were living on the fruits of love.

The old man replied, I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? Theyre choking the shit out of my ducks!

One year at Halloween the governor of Illinois was giving a costume party.
All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce
what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

As the next couple arrived he announced Tarzan and Jane.

…and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but
apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

Who do you think you are? demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that
the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department,
the doorman asked, How shall I announce you?

The man said, Im premature ejaculation.

Im very sorry sir said the doorman in obvious shock, I cannot announce
anything like that to such a gathering.

O.K. said the professor. Just say I came in my pants.

You know youre a redneck when you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

A horse visited a baseball stadium, trotted over to the manager and asked for a tryout. The manager, stunned by the talking horse, figured hed give the tryout a go. The horse took batting practice and slammed several pitches out of the park. Next came fielding practice, and he stopped everything at shortstop, and fired the ball to first base each time with amazing accuracy. The dazed manager said, Great! Now lets see you run. The horse said, Are you kidding? If I could run, Id be at Churchill Downs.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED



No matter how hard you try, you cant baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, dont let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, dont hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You cant trust dogs to watch your food.

Dont sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You cant hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Dont wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandmas lap.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED



Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles dont hurt.

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere… and let the air

out of their tires.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Todays mighty oak is just yesterdays nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps.

Its like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just dont have all the facts.

You know youre getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while youre down there.