Mrs. Martin went to see her gynecologist before her fourth marriage.

After the examination, the physician seemed confused. Youre a virgin. How is that possible?

My first husband was a psychiatrist, she explained. He analyzed it all the time.

My second husband was an English lit professor. He wrote about it all the time.

My third husband was a contractor and always said he would get around to it.

But now Im marrying a lawyer, she said with a smile, so I know Ill get screwed.

The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.

She looks at her husband and says, Honey, do you remember this?



He looks up at her and replies, Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married.



Thats right. she replied, And do you remember what you said to me that night?



He nods and says, Yes dear, I still remember.



Well, what was it?



He responds, Well honey, as I remember, I said, Ohhhhhhh, Baby, Im going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!



She giggles and says, Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said. And now its 50 years later, Im in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?



Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says, Mission Accomplished.

In Italy a poll was taken to determine why men get up at night. Here are the results:

10 % to raid the fridge
15 % to have a pee
75 % to go home

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, One more remark like that and Ill smash your face in!

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog.

Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

A funny story I know comes from someones father-in-law who is a pharmacist. One of his customers complained that the capsules shed been given werent working.

Oh, he said, Youve been taking them the wrong way. You have to take them so that the green half goes in first. He said that she stopped by a week later to let him know that her medication was now working fine!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, I do… Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, I just thought youd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

Tonto said, Sure, Kemosabe and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, Who owns that big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, I do, whats wrong with him this time?

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,…. Nothin, but did you know you left your injun running?

The Lady of the manor lived on for many years after the old Lord had died. Indeed, she continued in the true blue-blooded ways to which the old Lord had always set the finest example, including maintaining their wide circle of august friends.

For this particular evening the old Lady had arranged a large dinner at the manor and of course the finest of aristocracy in the land had accepted invitations.

Unfortunately the old dear had developed a severe wind problem, shall we say. But being a pragmatist and CERTAINLY not prepared to even entertain the THOUGHT of cancelling the dinner, she summoned the butler before the first guests were due to arrive.

George, she said, You are of course aware of my WIND problem. No, no, do not hesitate, I KNOW you are! Just please do as I ask. Please see that you stand right behind me all evening, just in case I should need you.

Yes, Maam, said George.

That evening, halfway through the third course, it duly happened. The old Lady let loose with a real whopper – a roar! Immediately she turned around in her chair and said, George, will you STOP that!

And George promptly responded, Yes, Maam, if I can find out which way it went.

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:



a) Lovemaking

b) Screwing

c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town



2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after youve both shared:



a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship

b) Your blood-test results

c) Five tequila slammers



3. You time your orgasm so that:



a) Your partner climaxes first

b) You both climax simultaneously

c) You dont miss SportsCenter



4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:



a) Healthy, creative love-play

b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to

c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about



5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman youve just had sex with is:



a) The best part of the experience

b) The second best part of the experience

c) $100 extra



6. Your girlfriend says shes gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:



a) No concern of yours

b) Not a problem – she can join your gym

c) A conservative estimate



7. You think todays sensitive, caring man is:



a) A myth

b) An oxymoron

c) A moron



8. Foreplay is to sex as:



a) Appetizer is to entree

b) Priming is to painting

c) A queue is to an amusement park ride



9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?



a) I hope we can still be friends.

b) Im not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone….

c) Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.



10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:



a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy

b) Is uptight and a waste of time

c) Shouldnt have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Q. What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water?

A. I just got laid and now Im getting hard!?!?