Whats the usual tip? a man growled when the college boy delivered his pizza.

Well, the student replied, this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, Id be doing great.

That so? grunted the man. In that case, heres five dollars.

Thanks, the student said, Ill put it in my college fund.

By the way, what are you studying?

Applied psychology.

A man went to a movie theater and was suprised to see that in the seat in front of him sat a man and his dog. The dog was clearly watching the movie with understanding, because he snarled at the villain whenever he spoke, yelped at the funny remarks, and so on. At the end of the movie, the man tapped the dog owners shoulder and says excuse me, but I cant get over your dogs behavior. The owner said I know, me too. After all He hated the book.

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary as part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven.

For English, press 1.

For Spanish, press 2.

For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests.

Press 2 for Thanksgiving.

Press 3 for Complaints.

Press 4 for all other inquiries.

I am sorry; all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1.

Jesus, press 2.

Holy Spirit, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666).

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noahs Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day.

The slave driver of the Roman trireme leered down at his galley slaves and bellowed, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that youll be getting double rations tonight! The murmuring of the surprised slaves as they struggled with their oars was interrupted by the slave driver. The bad news is that this afternoon the commanders son wants to water-ski.

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.

The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.



The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.



At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, I cant take this anymore! I cant just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?



She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he aproaches her, he takes off his shirt.

She can see the mans muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?



Eagerly, she shakes her head, Yes!



As the man hands her his shirt, he says, Here. Iron this.

Some quick thinking to get out of the caught napping jam!…

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout again!

I wasn’t sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!

I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.

The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot!

A guy ordered a pizza, and Luigi behind the counter asked him if he wanted his pizza in 4 slices or 8.
"Better make it four, cause I really cant finish 8 slices."

what did your momma say when she saw a bus?

A Cyberspace friend of mine here in Istanbul who teaches computer science to junior high-school students related the following (real) occurrence in one of his classes.

It was the early days of the school year and he was describing the machines (PCs) to the kids in general terms. As he was explaining keyboard functions he pointed out that if the computer ever got locked up (he demonstrated a lock-up) you could regain control of the machine by pressing CTRL-ALT-DEL simultaneously (demonstrating that, too).

Some of the kids objected that their hands were too small and that they werent quick enough to hit all three keys at once.

As the teacher began explaining and demonstrating that all you needed to do was hold down CTRL+ALT with one hand and press DEL with the other, his eye happened on a boy in the front row: He had the index finger of his left hand on the left CTRL key, the index figure of his right hand on the right ALT key and after searching for the DEL key for about five or ten seconds, he paused for a moment as if thinking what to do next and then calmly pressed it with his nose…

15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.

14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.

11 – For some reason, theres salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Beas pancakes.

9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you couldve bought the automobile.

8 – Youre now the proud inventor of the Slim Jim: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, Hey, its Vomit Man!

4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long itll take you to find your pants.

3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

1 – Youre now sober enough to realize Drink Canada Dry is a slogan and not a personal challenge.