Q: Why cant men get mad cow disease?

A: Because theyre a bunch of pigs!

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husbands lawyer arose and said, Isnt it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, What was that date again ?

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husbands lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

I demand proper manners in bed, she declared, just as I do at the dinner table!

Amused by his wifes formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. Is that better? he asked, with a hint of a smile.

Yes, replied the girl, much better.

Very good, darling, the husband whispered.

Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.

Two men from the country were sitting at a bar
when a young lady nearby began to choke on a
hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one turned
to the other and said, That gal is havin a bad
time. Im a gonna go over there and help.

The man ran over to the young lady, held both
sides of her head in his big hands and asked,
Kin ya swaller?

Gasping, she acknowledged that she couldnt swallow.
Then, the man asked, Kin ya breathe? Still gasping,
she motioned that she couldnt breathe. With that,
the man yanked up her skirt and licked her butt. The
young woman was so shocked and humiliated that she
coughed up the piece of hamburger and began breathing
on her own.

The man sat back down with his friend and said, Ya
know, its sure amazin how that hind-lick maneuver
always works!

Income tax examiner: Whats your husbands average income?

Wife: Oh, about midnight.

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

I liked it, but I couldnt understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, she said.

What do you mean? he asked.

Well, everyone kept yelling, Get the quarter back!

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for

Show & Tell, and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?

I brought a Walkman.

And what is it for?

You can listen to music with it!

Thats nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?

I brought a lectrical can opener, it opens cans!

Well done, Kenny.

Umm, Johnny, I see you didnt bring anything!

Yes, I did. Its in the hall.

So the entire class goes into the hallway.

Umm, Johnny, what is that?

Its a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.

Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?

He said, AAAARRRGGGH!!!