World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.



The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?



Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

For those of you planning on seeing the third LOTR movie at the theater her are some survival tips.
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, Wait… where the hell is Harry Potter?
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: YOU SHALL NOT PASS! – After the movie, say Lucas could have done it better.
3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: I must go! Middle Earth needs me! and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: The Ring.
5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
7. Finish off every one of Elronds lines with Mr. Anderson.
8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, And I did it…. MY way…!
9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians
10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someones finger and fall down the stairs.
11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact The Battle of Helms Deep Monty Python style.
13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout Barbecue!
14. Ask people around you who they think is the next Terminator sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins
15. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout RUN FOREST, RUN!
16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: Thats what Im Tolkien about! See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, Wheres Waldo?
18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.Yes, he said. I do. My father taught me. Good. What comes after three. Four, answers the boy.What comes after six? Seven.Very good, says the teacher. Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?A Jack.

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Thom Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.

Right?

Copyright 1991 Shelley Herman S.P.E.B.S.Q.S.A., Whittier Chapter

A Texan in New York City needed to call a nearby community from a pay phone.
Deposit $1.85 please, instructed the operator. Pulling himself up to full
height and dropping into his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, Maam, Im
from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to Hell and back for $1.85!
I understand, sir, retorted the operator, but in Texas, thats a local call.

Dave Dodson
Richardson, TX

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?

A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.

After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse. I just dont know what to do with you! he said, shaking his head.

Weve talked about this over and over. Weve spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again.

I know, I know… acknowledged the wife contritely. But at least Im cutting back!

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:

• Our next song is Angels We Have Heard Get High.
• Dont let worry kill you–let the church help.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. Shes used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
• Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
• The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
• The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeares Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.

One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildol in his hands.

Sue yelled “you impatient fucker! You lying son of a…”

Bob stopped her and said, “I’m a lying son of a bitch? Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids?”

Lets say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when theyre driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, weve been seeing each other for exactly six months?



And then there is silence in the car.



To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe hes been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks Im trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesnt want, or isnt sure of.



And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.



And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, Im not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so Id have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward… I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?



And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was… lets see… February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealers, which means… lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.



And Elaine is thinking: Hes upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe Im reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet thats it. Thats why hes so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. Hes afraid of being rejected.



And Roger is thinking: And Im gonna have them look at the transmission again. I dont care what those morons say, its still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? Its 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.



And Elaine is thinking: Hes angry. And I dont blame him. Id be angry too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I cant help the way I feel. Im just not sure.



And Roger is thinking: Theyll probably say its only a 90-day warranty……..scumbags.



And Elaine is thinking: Maybe Im just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when Im sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.



And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? Ill give them a warranty. Ill take their warranty and stick it right up their…



Roger, Elaine says aloud.



What? says Roger, startled.



Please dont torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have… Oh God, I feel so… (She breaks down, sobbing.)



What? says Roger.



Im such a fool, Elaine sobs. I mean, I know theres no knight. I really know that. Its silly. Theres no knight, and theres no horse.



Theres no horse? says Roger.



You think Im a fool, dont you? Elaine says.



No! says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.



Its just that… its that I… I need some time, Elaine says.



(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) Yes, he says.



(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way? she says.



What way? says Roger.



That way about time, says Elaine.



Oh, says Roger. Yes.



(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)



Thank you, Roger, she says.



Thank you, says Roger.



Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures its better if he doesnt think about it.



The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.



Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaines, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?



And thats the difference between men and women.