Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Dont trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide." Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried. "For cryin out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun.

We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we dont get our way we will not date anybody that aint blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise,

(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

A man who isnt qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.

Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.

The owner replies, Yah, I know. Thats my way of getting rid of that pest!

Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.

The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.

Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit.

But tell me, what in the world happened to you?

Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it… said it fit him great.

As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!

Question: Why should Monica Lewinsky never go to medical school?

Answer: She sucked as an intern!

What does an educated owl say?Whom.

During a neighborhood party, Joe got into an argument with his neighbor, about presidential politics. Finally, the neighbor asked me why Joe was such a dedicated Republican.



Joe told him that his father and grandfather were both Republicans and he was carrying on the family tradition.



Thats it? said the exasperated neighbor. What if your father and

grandfather had been horse thieves?



Well… Joe replied, I suppose then Id be a Democrat like you.

Women Seeking Men: WORD MEANING

Affectionate Possessive

Artistic Unreliable

Athletic Flat-Chested

Exotic beauty Would frighten a Martian

Free spirit Substance user

Fun Annoying

Loves animals Cat lady

New Age All body hair, all the time

Outgoing Loud

Spiritual Involved with a cult

Stable Boring

Wants Soulmate Stalker



Men Seeking Women WORD MEANING

Athletic Sits on the sofa and watches ESPN

Average looking Average hair growth on ears, nose and back

Educated Will always treat you like an idiot

Employed On management track at Radio Shack

Financially Secure I will spend so in return for which I to obey my every whim of your moral life.

Free Spirit Sleeps with your sister

Huggable Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben

Professional Owns a white button-down

Sensitive Needy

Stable Stalker, but never convicted

Thoughtful Says please when demanding a beer

Young at heart Pedophile

One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse

going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a

man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200

men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and

asked who was in the first one. My wife, the man replied.

Im sorry, said Dave. What happened to her?

My dog bit her and she died.

Dave was taken aback. And whos in the second hearse?

My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well.

Dave asked, Can I borrow your dog?

Get in line.

Dont steal… The government doesnt like competition!

From a Belgian in Canada:

Putting a light coat of icing sugar in someones bed. The very fine stuff. Nice and dry when they go to bed, like glue after a few hours of perspiring…

Stretching saran-wrap (transparent plastic film) over the toilet, BELOW! the ring. Never noticed until too late…