On an Electricians truck: Let us remove your shorts. Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: Best place in town to take a leak.

In a Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On Maternity Room door: Push, Push, Push. On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

At an Optometrists Office: If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.

On a Scientists door: Gone Fission On a Taxidermists window: We really know our stuff. In a Podiatrists window: Time wounds all heels. On a Butchers window: Let me meat your needs. On another Butchers window: Pleased to meat you. At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition. On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment. Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.

Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people. At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents? In a Dry Cleaners Emporium: Drop your pants here. On a desk in a Reception Room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left. In a Veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! On a Music Teachers door: Out Chopin.

At the Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be.

In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!

On the side of a Garbage Truck: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got. (Burglars please copy.)

On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.

In a Restaurant window: Dont stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Inside a Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

In a Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a minuet. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully, well wait. In a Counselors office: Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional.

Father: (at the hospital looking through the glass at the newly arrived babies) Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isnt she adorable?

Friend: But your kid didnt smile.

Father: I was talking about the nurse.

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, Whered you get the great shirt mate? The man replies, David Jones. This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes Whered you get the great pants mate? The man replies, David Jones. This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, Whered you get the great shoes and socks mate? The man replies, David Jones. Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, Look Who the hell are you mate? And the naked guy says, Im David Jones!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual
offer.

Look, Ill give you $100 if youll change the wedding vows. When you get to me
and the part where Im to promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all
others, be faithful to her forever, Id appreciate it if youd just leave that
part out. He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that
part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the
grooms vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and
wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another
woman, as long as you both shall live?

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, Yes.

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, I thought we had a deal.

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, She made me a
much better offer.

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.

Three guys are coming back from a hunting trip, when thier truck breaks down. The 1st guy says I think I saw a farm house back down the road about a mile. So they start walking and by the time they get thier its getting dark. They ask the lady that lives in the house if they can use her phone, she says I aint got a phone but yer welcome to stay here for the night, as long as you dont make fun of my son because he dont have any ears



So they are all siting around the T.V. with thier own section of the newspaper. The first guy looks up at the boy and says take care of your teeth because when you get old like me you wont have any





The second guy looks up over the section of news paper he has and says boy…you better take good care of your hair because when you get old like me you wont have any





So then the third guy looks up at the boy and says boy you better take good care of your eyes because when you get old you wont be able to wear glasses because you aint got no ears.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

Why are you eating grass? he asked one man.

We dont have any money for food. the poor man replied.

Oh, come along with me then.

But sir, I have a wife with two children!

Bring them along! And you, come with us too!, he said to the other man.

But sir, I have a wife with six children! the second man answered.

Bring them as well!

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya? The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said–Well yeah, if thats what they are–I never heard of circle flies. So the farmer says, Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, theyre called circle flies because theyre almost always found circling around the back end of a horse. The trooper says, Oh, and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass? The farmer says, Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass. The trooper says, Well, thats a good thing, and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, Hard to fool them flies, though.

A hillbillys old wife sent him to town to get something to rid the place of moths that had troubled them. The druggist sold him a box of mothballs.

Months later, the hill man came into the drugstore, complaining that: Them mothballs wouldnt work nohow, noway. Marthy and me we aimed carefully, too. But we aint hit a single moth! Maybe you got a bigger size, like one of them pool table balls.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughters swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, Quit looking out the window! Arent you paying attention to me?

Yes, of course I am paying attention, maam. Its just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping theyd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!