Not for those who take their religion TOO seriously…

• Taoism:
  Shit happens
   
• Confucianism:
  Confucius said: Shit happens
   
• Buddhism:
  If shit happens, it isnt really shit.
   
• Zen:
  Whats the sound of shit happening?
   
• Hinduism:
  This shit has happened before!
   
• Islam:
  If shit happens, it is the will of Allah!
   
• Protestantism:
  Let shit happen to someone else.
   
• Catholicism:
  If shit happens, you deserve it.
   
• Judaism:
  Why does this shit always happen to us?
   
• Atheism:
  I dont believe this shit!
   
• Agnosticism:
  Whats this shit?

1. Youd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. Youre convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press

2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and

6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press. No one will answer.

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other How is your wife??

Second old man replied I think she is Dead!

First old man What do you mean you THINK she is dead???

Second old man Well…. the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, I don t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.

The husband says, What?!!!

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. He then tells his wife, they all look great, well buy all three of them.

Then he goes over and gets matching shoes worth $300 each. And then goes to the jewelry department and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited, and trying to take advantage of her husbands generous mood, she goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says, You dont even play tennis, but if you really like it then lets get it.

The wife is practically jumping up and down with excitement. She says, Okay, Im ready to go, lets take all of this stuff to the register.

The husband says, No-no-no, honey, were not going to buy all this stuff.

The wifes face goes blank.

No, honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while.

Her face gets really red and shes about to explode when the husband says, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!

A true urban legend:

A husband of a friend (yes, I know it sounds like one of THOSE sort of stories) went to a local bank to make a withdrawal. Its one of those banks where you take a form, fill it in and stand in line.

While waiting in line, he casually flipped the withdrawal form over and noticed that someone had written on the back of it I HAVE A GUN : GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY. Not wanting to lose his place in the queue, he waited till he got to the teller and said Look, some idiot has written on the back of this form.

The teller, not listening, saw the writing and hit the panic button. Alarms rang, cops appeared, the guy was cuffed and taken to a back room and interviewed for a few hours.

At 10oclock at night, his wife finally found out where he was (he went to the bank at mid-day) and he was released only after several well-respected friends testified as to his character.

But before he left the cops checked the pile of withdrawal slips in the bank and found that about half of them had similar messages on the back.

Evidently some prankster had done so for a joke.

So, the next time you go to the bank, check the back of the forms first … (or else write on them, put them back in teh pile and wait for the fun to start …)

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining

and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the

doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear. L: ?eh?

D: Madam – You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR! L: ??EH??

D: (shouting) –IN YOUR EAR! –A SUPPOSITORY!!! L: Oh, thank

Goodness – now I know where I put my hearing aid!

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law The panda bear tells the policeman that hes innocent and, if he didnt believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.

If athletes get athletes foot, astronauts get missile toe.

A bird dog could be called a point setter.

James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The Deer Sleigher.

Whats the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel? Its a matter of a pinion!

Its a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game were about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column.

1. On December 24, Adams wife was known as _____ _____.

2. In Charles Dickenss A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of _____ _____.

3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____.

4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? _____, _____, _____

5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. _____, _____

6. When the salt and the pepper say Hi! to each other, they are passing on _____ _____.

7. A holy man bereft of change could be called _____ _____.

8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a _____ _____.

9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a _____ _____.

10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get _____ _____.

11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called _____ _____.

12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a _____.

13. Actor OConnor and actress Channing are known on December 25 as _____ _____.

14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry Christmas? _____ _____.

Meretricious to all! And dont forget that Theres No Plate Like Chrome for the Hollandaise.

Answers

1. Christmas Eve

2. Christmas Present

3. North Poll

4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.

5. Noel,(no L)

6. seasons greetings.

7. St. Nickleless.

8. Bah! (or Baa!) Humbug!

9. silent knight

10. sandy claws

11. Christmas cards

12. cresh

13. Christmas Carols

14. Fleece Navidad!

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.Ive suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always Just some friends from work, you dont know them.I always look out for her ride coming home but she always walks from aroud the corner, I can usually hear a car driving off as she walks towards our house. If it really is a friend why not just get dropped off in front? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and why was I checking up on her.Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didnt want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I followed her in my eclipse awd turbo race car. My race car has no decals…Then when the car came to park… I parked too… I jumped out of my car and hid behind my car. I looked at my tires and realized My Bridgestone S03s are pretty ugly….What tires do you guys recommend I should change to?