A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldnt know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and hed stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says Father forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks What did you do?.

The woman says I Committed adultery.

Priest: How many times?

Woman: Three times.

Priest: Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says Father forgive me for I have sinned.

Priest: What did you do?

Woman: I committed adultery.

Priest: How many times?

Woman: Three times.

Priest: Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks hes got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says Father forgive me for I have sinned.

Rabbi: What did you do?

Woman: I committed adultery.

Rabbi: How many times?

Woman: Just once.

Rabbi: Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the Pharmacist for some arsenic.
The Pharmacist asks, Maam, what do you want to do with arsenic? The lady says, Kill my husband.
I cant sell it to you for that reason says he Pharmacist. The lady reaches into her purse, pulls out a photo and hands it to the Pharmacist.
The photo is of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the lady is the Pharmacists wife. He looks at the photo and says, Oh, I didnt realize you had a prescription.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

Theres no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich mans sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

A Hindu gets on a plane and sits next to a European.

As the plane takes off, he unrolls a wrapper containing Hindu vegetarian food which smells so much that the Europeans nose twitches.

He turns to the man and says, Food India with a grin.

He then takes out a container containing the foulest smelling liquid and again the man at the side has a twitching nose.

He grins sheepishly at the man and says, Sorry. Drink India

He then proceeds with his meal.

As soon as he has finished he farts. It is a loud, long fart.

He grins sheeepishly and says, Air India

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preachers entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, Okay, well let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.



The preacher is astonished and replies, But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby.



St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, and the egg is frowning, looking a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters, to no one in particular: Well, I guess we answered THAT question…

From: The Lighter Side of Laughter Site

How do you know if you are a geek?

Your computer cost $6,000 and your car cost $

500.00

A guy walks into a store to buy brains. He asks the woman behind the counter how much each of the brains cost. They saleswoman tells him, $5/gram for womens brains, $20/gram for dogs brains, and $100/gram for mens brains.

So the guy is surprised with the varying prices, and he asks the saleswoman, How come mens brains are so much more expensive than womens brains or dogs brains?

And the saleswoman replies, Are you kidding!?!?!?!? Do you know how many men it takes to get a gram of brains????

and under the lid it said Please Try Again Because they were having a contest I was unaware of. I thought I opened the yougurt wrong. Or perhaps Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Cmon Mitchell, Dont give up. Please Try Again. A Word of Inspiration from your friends at Yoplait Fruit on the Bottom, Hope On Top