A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. 

The genie said, OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can  forget about three… You only get one wish!

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii,  but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?

The genie laughed and said, Thats impossible!!!  Think of the logistics of that!  How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete — how much steel!!  No, think of another wish.

The man said OK, I will try to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said,  Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive.  So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say nothing,  know how to make them truly happy.

The genie said, Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.



Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!, she exclaimed.

No, said the genie, You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.



Lets see, says Monica, I dont need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.



And I dont need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, Ill have all the money I could ever want.



I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yeah, thats it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.



Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!

Three guys were stranded on an Island. one was named justin, one timmy, and one eric. the men came across a genies lamp and wished to go off the island. the genie agreed but said you must bring me one piece of fruit by this time tomarrow. they agreeded and came back with fruit. the first man brought a bananna and the genie said if i can shove this up your ass without you making any noise, you can leave. so the genie started and the man laughed half way up. the genie said why did you laugh? the man said it tickled. the second guy, timmy, brought back grapes. the genie started and with one grape left timmy busted up laughing and the genie said why did you laugh? and timmy said beecuase i just saw eric coming around the corner with a watermelon.

<http://world.std.com/~olorin/peter_overlord.html>
This list is Copyright 1996 by Peter Anspach
<mailto:anspach@aftermath.math.uoknor.edu>. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass
it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way,
and (2) this copyright notice is attached.

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there
are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil
Overlord Ive read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets
overthrown and destroyed in the end. Ive noticed that no matter whether
they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien
invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single
time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, Or
are you afraid without your armies to back you up? My reply will be,
No, just sensible.

8. When Ive captured my adversary and he says, Look, before you kill
me, will you at least tell me what this is all about? Ill say,
No. and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time
during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled Danger: Do Not Push.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me–Ill do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum–a small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemys death look like an accident–
Im not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldnt believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word mercy;
I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of
the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when
the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage hes
caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence But before I kill you, theres just
one thing I want to know.

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
advice.

24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at
a crucial point in time.

25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
but one look at the heros rugged countenance and shed betray her own
father.

26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, its too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.

27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for
my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol
hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a
more positive mind-set.

28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will
not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
their use. That way–even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless–my
troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears
and rocks.

30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will
never utter the line No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!! (After
that, death is usually instantaneous.)

31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of
machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate
enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him
to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will
be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.

33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is
probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
bedchamber.

If you have any other tidbits of advice for me to follow, please e-mail me.

I wish to thank the following contributors to this list who, if I ever
happen to become an Evil Overlord, will be named as lieutenants–but not
trusted lieutenants–in my legions of terror:

* Julie Helmer <AnnieKey@aol.com>
* Christy Marx <moonfire@cybergate.com>
* Mark Musante <olorin@world.std.com>
* Katherine Teague <kteague@nortel.ca>
* g.kenter@genie.com
* rsledge@spry.com

A gentleman fellow was playing a leisurely round of golf one day, when he happened to shoot a hole in one. When he reached down to pluck his ball from the hole, a genie appeared and said she would grant him *ONE* wish.

He complained, saying that usually genies granted *THREE* wishes, not just one, but the genie would not give in. The man, not being well-endowed, wished for it to grow.

With a flash, the genie was gone.

Over the next few weeks, the mans dick did grow … and grow … and grow, until it reached his knees.

Amazed, and somewhat concerned, the man decided something must be done about it. He returned to the golf course and shot thousands of balls until he finally got another hole in one.

Once again the genie appeared and said, Hey, I remember you … what do you want this time? The man gazed down at himself and explained his dilemma to the genie.

So you want me to make it smaller? the genie asked.

Oh, no! the man said. I want you to make me taller.

A man walking along a California beach stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, Ok, Ok. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month! Im getting a little sick of three wishes, so you can forget about it. You only get one wish!

The man thought, and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii, but Im scared to fly and I get seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there?

The genie said, Thats impossible. Think of the logistics! How would the supports reach the bottom the Pacific? Think of how much concrete and steel! No, think of another wish.

The man said OK and though hard.

Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said I dont care and that Im insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why theyre crying, what they really want when they say nothing… know how to make them truly happy…

The genie said, You want that bridge two lanes or four?

One day a man was planting flowers outside his new house when he found a bottle with a cork in it. He took out the cork and with a poof, a genie came out. I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double, said the genie.
Okay. for my first wish I want one million dollars, said the man. And, in a poof of smoke, one million dollars appeared.
Hmm… but now my ex-wife has two million dollars, said the man, But, for my next wish, I want a five-story manson." And, in a poof of smoke his house turns into a five-story manson. But now my ex-wife has a twenty-story manson, said the man.
And now, for your last wish? asked the genie. Hmmm… YES! I have the greatest wish yet. Why didnt think of this earlier?! replied the man. For my last wish, I want you to beat me half to death!!!

State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see whats in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

This will look nice on my mantelpiece, he decides and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. I wish for a beautiful Castle right now! He gets one.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside. Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: I wish Id never have to work ever again. OOPS!

Hes back in his government office.

There was this pot-head walking down a road when a genie appeared in front of him and said, "Ill grant you two wishes. What is your first wish?" asked the genie. The pot-head replied, "I want a never ending joint. The genie goes, "As you wish," and gave him the joint. The pot-head took a long drag and said, "Cool. I want another one!"

A Wisconsinite, a Minnesotan, and an Iowan were walking along the beach, when they spotted an old lamp half buried in the sand.

The Iowan bent over and picked it up, and began to rub the sand off of it.



As he did so, a genie popped out of the lamp, and said Ill give you three wishes, one for each of you.



The Iowan said, I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Iowa.



With a blink of the Genies eye, FOOM the land in Iowa was forever made fertile for farming.



The Wisconsinite was amazed, so he said, I want a wall around Wisconsin, so that no one can come into our precious state.



Again, with a blink of the genies eye, POOF, there was a huge wall around Wisconsin.



The Minnesotan says, Im very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.



The Genie explains, Well, its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, and nothing can get in or out.



The Minnesotan says, Fill it up with water.