A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. Why not, asks the golf club.

Youll be driving later, replies the bartender.

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up
to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but
rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the
water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly
toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond
and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond
and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over
the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a
truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a
shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out
onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way
to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a
lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped
up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an
eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over
the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which
bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, I hate playing with your Dad.

Finally theres a logical explanation to the confusion and complexity of the game. You might just enjoy these:

Tour Through The Absolute Laws of Golf

The 1st Tee: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.

The 2nd Dogleg: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

The 3rd Hole: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

The 4th Fairway: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should immediately be cut down.

More on the Laws of Golf…

The 5th Hole: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.

The 6th Rough: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

The 7th Fairway: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

The 8th Tee: Palm trees eat golf balls.

The 9th Sand Bunker: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works against you?

The Back Nine of the Laws of Golf…

The 10th Green: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

The 11th Water Hazard: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.

The 12th Tee: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

The 13th Fairway: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see 3rd Hole)

The 14th Sand Bunker: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

The Final Leg of the Tour…

The 15th Green: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.

The 16th Tee: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

The 17th Fairway: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

The 18th Bunker: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

And Finally…

The 19th Hole: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

Two diehard golfers are out playing a round when a thunderstorm
comes roaring in. On the third tee, a bolt of lighting comes down
and stikes the golfers dead..

Arriving at those pearly gates, God comes down to talk to
the 2 men.

Sorry, but we made a mistake says God, it seems that it
was not your time to die. Now I can send you back but you have
to go back as someone different, it is just too confusing since
they all ready had the funeral. In fact your wife is already
dating he says to one of the golfers.

After two golfer have a little talk they approach God and
request we decided we want to go back as a couple of
dykes ask the first golfer, good looking dykes if you
please says the second.

I can send you back as dykes replies God but I must
know why you guys want to be dykes

Well we figure if we go back as dykes we still get to
eat pussy says the first golfer, plus we get to tee off
from the womans tee.

An <ethnic> couple decided to stay at a very exclusive, WASP only
hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for
what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided
to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill
and were surprised to find they owe $3000.

Hows this? Weve only been here one night! the man was annoyed.

So? said the manager, This is a very expensive hotel. We have
golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars
and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.

But we didnt use any of these! explained the couple.

If you didnt use–thats your problem, came the reply.

In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl
who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill, said the
man.

What do you mean? the manager was taken off guard, I didnt
sleep with your wife!

If you didnt use–thats your problem!

Alexander Pruss, at one of: Department of Applied Mathematics,
Astronomy, Mathematics, or Physics / University of Western Ontario

Ok this idiot of the first order is invited for a game of golf for the first time, while in another country.

Hes totally enamoured with the golf ball because hes never seen anything like it before so he carries like, 30 of them back home to give away as souveniers.

While passing through the customs on his way back, the customs officer whos perhaps a bigger idiot than this guy, notices his pockets bulging with all these golf balls and cant figure it out. So he asks our man, What the hell is all this?!

To which he replies, Oh theyre just golf balls.

So the customs officer goes, Oh oh! You mean like tennis elbow?

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. I cant find any green golf balls, the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?

Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!

10. You can have a woman president without electing her 9. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it 8. You can call Budweiser beer 7. You can be a crook and still be president 6. If youve got enough money you can get elected to do anything 5. If youve got a drivers licence you can get a gun 4. You can invent a new public holiday every year 3. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care. 2. You get to call everyone youve never met buddy 1. You can be Irish and American at the same time

A bunch of Cardinals got together with the Pope and decided that they wanted to have a golf game against the other religions. The only problem was that none of the cardinals were very good golfers.

One Cardninal turned to the Pope and suggested, We could get Tiger Woods and ordane him as a Cardinal. He would ensure our victory.

Thats a great idea, said the Pope.

A few weeks later, the cardinals returned from their golf game and the Pope was anxiously awaiting the news of the match.

So, how did it go? asked the Pope.

One of the cardinals replied, Well, it went alright. We played pretty well, but we lost.

How could you lose? We had Tiger Woods as our secret weapon. gasped the Pope.

The cardinal shook his head and replied, Tiger lost to Rabbi Greg Norman!