A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "Whats with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!""Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Lets have a word with him." [dramatic pause]"Hi George. Say, whats with that group ahead of us? Theyre rather slow arent they?"The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, thats a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."The group was silent for a moment.The pastor said, "Thats so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."The doctor said, "Good idea. And Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if theres anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why cant these guys play at night?"

Im glad Im a woman

Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I dont brag to my buddies about my erections
I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt
my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I dont go around re-adjusting my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind
Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind!

Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing
I dont have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack
And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb
Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball
I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I wont tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true
Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”



The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand, “Have we not,” he asked, “a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?”



“None that plays golf very well,” a cardinal said. “But,” he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”



Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.



“I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the golfer. “Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.



“Well,” your Holiness, “I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”



“There’s bad news?” the Pope asked.



Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.”

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

Betty, I was wondering — have you ever cheated on me?

Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You dont want to ask that question…

Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.

Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.

Three? When were they?

Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?

Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?

Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?

I cant believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldnt have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldnt be more moved. When was number 3?

Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of
sand, etc.)
Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the
door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, Trick or
Treat! Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, Top Secret in
big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say,
Its about time you got here, give them the briefcase, and quickly shut
the door.
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters
come to the door, say, Come in. When they do, have everyone yell,
Surprise!!! Act like its a surprise party.
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure
out whats wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural
whirring sound.
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the
street, and yell, Crawl for it!
When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act
shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door
and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give
them any candy.
Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order
their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who
comes within 50 yards of your house.
When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window,
crashing through
the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters
for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain
that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the
trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
Answer the door with a mouthful of M & Ms and several
half-eaten candy
bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a
few seconds, and insist that you dont have any candy.
Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on
your porch.
Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open
the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the
door when youre finished.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

Please allow me to help, Im a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if youd just allow me!, she told him earnestly.

Ummph, oooh, nnooo, Ill be alright. Ill be fine in a few minutes, he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to ease his pain. She began

to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, Does that feel better?

The man looked up at her and replied, Yes, that feels pretty good… but my thumb still hurts like hell!

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.



Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that, his friend says.



Well, Harry replies, I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do.

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. Your holiness, said one of the Cardinals, Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match. The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

Not to worry, said the Cardinal, well call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. Well make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We cant lose! Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. I came in second, your Holiness, said Nicklaus.

Second?!! exclaimed the surprised Pope. You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!

No, said Nicklaus, second to Rabbi Woods.

Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the Madame. As its the busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is Chinese and doesnt know a word of English. Ill take her, He says desperately, as he is also in a hurry. So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full whack the girl begins to shout out, Sung wa! Sung wa! To which Victor assumes that this means, great, fantastic, etc, so he continues unperturbed.

The following day he is at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chinese client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then the client Ts off and gets a hole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his newly found Chinese phrase… Sung wa! Sung wa! He yells out. To
which the client replies, Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didnt bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, I think Ill walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.



He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, I cant do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe youd better go talk to them.



The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: Small world.