A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.



Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system –

Will the gentleman on the ladys tee please move back to the mens tee.

He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.



The Voice again – Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!



He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,

Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the ladys tee can hit his second shot!

Old man Woodruff loved golf, but his age was making it increasingly difficult for him to play. He complained to the clubhouse man about his eyesight.

I cant play with my glasses on because they keep falling off, he said. And Im too darn nearsighted to play without them.

Why dont you play with Hughes? the clubhouse man suggested.

Him? Woodruff scoffed. Hes ninety-eight if hes a day, and he cant get around without a wheelchair!

True, said the clubhouse man, but hes farsighted.

So the next day, Woodruff and Hughes played together. Woodruff took a tremendous swing and hit the ball well. Boy, that felt good! he exclaimed. Did you see it? he asked Hughes.

Yes, the very old man replied.

Where did it go?

I cant remember, Hughes sighed.

Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.



The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend – Hey, why dont you try this ball. He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.

Use this one – You cant lose it!



His friend replies, What do you mean you cant lose it?!!

The first man replies, Im serious, you cant lose it.



If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.



Obviously, his friend doesnt believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, Wow! Thats incredible! Where did you get that ball?



The man replies, I found it.



(Think about it… itll come to you

A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday.
He calls the local plumber, only to be told its his day off …

But I get called out on my days off, too!
says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied.
He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of
aspirin and walks out, saying,

Put these in. If it doesnt clear up in 24 hours, come
and see me tomorrow.

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy put. He shouted, Damn, missed again.

The nun, shocked, warned him God will get you for that.

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed Damn It! Missed again the nun repeated her warning God will get you for that!

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out Damn It! Missed again!.

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I cant believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects.



Well, he said,… We were married for 25 years.

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, “Im so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and hes made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said, “Im so proud of my son. Hes a car dealer and hes doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “Im so proud of my son. Hes got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?
“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “Hes a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”

Three guys get together every Saturday to go to the local Country Club to play golf. One Saturday morning, the pro approaches them and asks if they would mind if a new member could join in with them for the day. They agree to give it a try and the four go off to play golf.

The new guy plays left handed and has a great round. The group decides that they had such a good time that they invite the new guy to join in again the following week. The new guy says hed love to, but he might be a couple of minutes late. They tell him that thats no problem and they all go home.

The next week, the new guy is there right on time and this time plays right handed. Again they all have a great time and invite him for the following week. He again tells them that he would love to but might be a couple of minutes late.

This goes on for several weeks with the new guy golfing both right and left handed. Finally, one of the original threesome cant stand it anymore and asks him, How do you figure out whether you should golf right handed or left?.

The new guy replies, Thats easy. When I wake up in the morning, I look over at my wife. If she is laying on her right side, I golf right handed. If she is laying on her left side, I golf left handed.

Well what if she is laying on her back?

Oh, thats when Im a couple of minutes late.

At a resort, a guy walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the sun, sipping iced tea. The young guy says, Hey, how about a round of golf?Nah, the older fellow replies, tried it once, didnt like it.Well, how about a swim? Itll be more refreshing that your iced tea there.Nah, the older fellow responds, tried it once, didnt like it.Young guy says, Well, how about a game of tennis?Naw, tried it once and didnt like it. But my son will be here soon. Hes usually up for a game or two.The younger guy replies, Your only child I presume?