A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.



When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.



When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husbands club. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing. She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.



The golf pro says to the woman, That is unbelievable, I didnt think you would do that well. But now on to the next problem. How do we get that golf club out of your mouth?

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying
the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly
all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the
fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, Ive played so poorly all day,
I think Im going to go drown myself in that lake. The caddy looks back
at him and says, I dont think you could keep your head down that long.

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.



The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.



An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.



God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.



The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!



God smiled. Think about it — who can he tell?

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong? Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole – it holds very difficult memories for me.

One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!

Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible!

Horrible? You think its horrible?

Bob cried in disbelief; It was worse than that!!!!

Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice…

A golfer was having such a terrible day one day that he couldnt help but take it out on his caddy. Youre terrible! he screamed. When we get back to the clubhouse, Im going to see that you get fired!
Thats okay by me, the caddy replied calmly. By the time we get back to the clubhouse, Ill be old enough to get a regular job!

The following came through a long sequence of forwardings, but managed to
retain an attribution:
Kathy Dysert
kdysert@pacific.net

Heres something that came to my husband with some other information.

AND HERE IS SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:

Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he
averages about 30 minutes a game.

Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, hell be making $178,100 a day
(working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see Independence Day, itll cost him $7.00, but hell make
$18,550 while hes there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, hell make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)

Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Seinfeld.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 days.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

Hell probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student
5200 packages of Ramen.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax
deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such
accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, youd be
living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

Hell make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run,

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, hell pull in about $5600.

Next year, hell make more than twice as much as all of our past
presidents for all of their terms combined.

And something to cheer you up after all of this… Jordan will only have
to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to
that of Bill Gates.

Replace sand traps with bear traps
When somebodys about to putt, announcer screams, Lets get ready to rumble!
Everyone has to play on their knees, like that hysterical Dorf character
Give the Harlem Globetrotters a set of clubs and let em do their stuff
Have a minister, a priest, and a rabbi play — that always turns out hilarious
Every foursome must contain at least one member of Earth Wind and Fire
Roaming the course: real, live, bloodthirsty pirates
Introduce a genetically engineered super-golfer named Fuzzy Tiger
Find a way to make golf shoes look even fruitier
New rule: miss a putt, swallow a tee

Do you like these? Then visit: http://www.webslingerz.net/

What do you call an Ethiopian with big feet?

A golf club.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the

third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on

the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailin away ahead of them.

Engineer: Whats with these guys? Weve been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I dont know but Ive never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Lets have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, whats with that group ahead of us?

Theyre rather slow, arent they?

George: Oh yes. Thats a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge!

Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.

Priest: Thats so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And Im going to contact my opthamologist buddy and see if theres anything he can do for them.

After a short pause …

Engineer: Why cant these guys play at night!

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,Ribbit. 9 Iron The man looks around and doesnt see anyone. Ribbit. 9 Iron. He looks at the frog
and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, Wow, thats amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replys Ribbit. Lucky frog. The man decides
to take the frog with him to the next hole. What do you think frog? the man asks. Ribbit. 3 Wood. The guy takes out a 3 Wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesnt know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,OK, where to next? The frog replied, Ribbit. Las Vegas. They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, OK frog, now what? The frog
says,Ribbit Roulette. Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, What do you think I should bet? The frog replies, Ribbit. $3000, black 6. Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, Frog, I dont
know how to repay you. Youve won me all this money and I am forever grateful. The frog replies, Ribbit, Kiss Me. He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.