A rabbi loved to play golf, but he never seemed to have time. He couldnt play on Shabbat, there was religious school on Sundays, and on days off, something always comes up. But, amidst all the activity of the High Holidays, he got a very early tee time before services on Yom Kippur.A passing angel saw him and reported to the Lord. Ill take care of him, was the casual response, and the angel hurried back to the golf course to watch.On the next hole, the rabbi got a hole in one.Baffled, the angel returned to question the Lord. Werent you going to punish him for playing golf on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar? the angel asked. He just got a hole in one!I know, replied the Lord. But who can he tell?

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. 9.30 okay?

George said, Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday? one of the foursome asked.


George said, Sure if I’m ten minutes late…

Another golfer jumped in. Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.

George said, Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.

What if she’s lying on her back?

George said, That’s when I’m ten minutes late!

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.



The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.



Moses turned to Jesus and said, I hate playing with your Dad.

A young man and an old man were playing a round of golf. When they got to the 18th hole, which was along a road, a funeral procession was driving by. The old man removed his cap and bowed his head until the funeral procession drove by.

That was very nice of you to be so respectful to that funeral procession, remarked the young man.

The old man replied, That is the least I could do. I was married to that woman for 45 years.

$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not. $ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. $ If he goes to see a movie, itll cost him $7.00, but hell make $18,550 while hes there. $ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, hell make $618 while boiling it. $ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. $ Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. $ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. $ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. $ Hell probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. $ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. $ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. $ Hell make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. $ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, hell pull in about $5600. $ This year, hell make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isnt it? However… $ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, hell still have less than Bill Gates has today. $$$ Game over. Nerd wins.

One summer, on a Friday afternoon, a young man was being trained by his supervisor on his first day as a salesperson at a large department store. His supervisor was trying to show him the amount of things he could sell to customers by making them feel they needed the items. Watch this, he said and approached a man who has just entered the store. May I help you, sir?



The man replied, I just moved into my first house and I need some fertiliser for my lawn.



So the supervisor said, Well, we have five- and ten-pound bags of fertiliser. I recommend you go with the ten pound bag.



Why is that?



The ten-pound bag will get you through most of the summer, but the five-pound bag wont, the supervisor answered.



Fine, the man agreed, Ill take the ten-pounder. Very good sir. And would you like the stiff rake or the spring-rake with that?



Rake? What do I need that for?



Well sir, said the supervisor authoritatively, if you dont rake up the old dead grass before you spread the fertiliser, it wont all reach the soil.



All right then. Ill get the stiff rake.



Very good sir. And would you like the fixed sprinkler or the oscillating sprinkler with that?



The man started to get a bit steamed and asked harshly, Sprinkler? Look, I just came in here for some fertiliser. What do I need a sprinkler for? Calmly, the supervisor responded, Well sir, if you water your lawn immediately after fertilising, the fertiliser will sink into the soil more quickly and in no time at all, youll have the greenest lawn in your neighbourhood.



This sounded pretty good to the man so he picked up the fixed sprinkler. OK, then. Ill take all this.



Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that, asked the supervisor.



Now the customer had about had it and he all but blew up at the supervisor. LAWNMOWER? Look, all I wanted when I came here was a bag of fertiliser. Youve already managed to sell me a rake and a sprinkler besides. Give me one good reason why I should get a lawnmower, too!



Calm as ever, the supervisor said, Well sir, if you get a lawnmower now, then youll be all ready to start trimming your beautiful green grass the minute it starts getting too long. Your lawn will look like a golf course and youll be the envy of all your neighbours! Besides, they are on sale this week only, and youre going to need it either way.



Well, the man figured that sounded OK and he really wanted to get out of there before he bought anything else so at last he relented. Fine. Ill get the electric mower, but thats it!



Very good sir. Ill ring that up for you.



After the man had left the store with all his new purchases, the supervisor turned to the trainee and said, So, do you think you could do that? The trainee said that he thought he could and the supervisor directed him towards another customer.



The trainee approached the puzzled-looking man and asked, May I help you sir?



The man replied, Yes. I need some tampons for my wife. Well, the trainee is totally thrown off by this request. He cant imagine what he could offer the man to go along with that. However, he wanted to impress his boss so he thought hard. Suddenly, he had it! Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that?



Mower? What the hell is wrong with you? I came in here looking for tampons. Why the hell should I get a lawnmower, too?



Well sir, the trainee answered, I figure your weekend is shot, so you might as well cut the grass.

So God and Jesus are out golfing one day and they come to a particulary treacherous hole. Dog leg to the right with a lake in the middle.

Its Jesus turn to tee off and He grabs a sand wedge.

Just wait one minute, my son, God says, you cant make this hole with that club!.

Sure I can, dad, replies Jesus, I saw Arnold Palmer do this on TV the other day. This is exactly the club he used!

Ok, replied God, Go ahead and make an ass of yourself.

Well, Jesus tees off, and sure as heck it goes BLOINK, right in the water. Jesus is all embarrassed, picks up his robe, walks out across the water and reaches down to pick his ball up.

Meanwhile, theres two other golfers waiting to tee off and they saw the whole thing.

One of them walks up to God and asks, Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ or somebody?

No, replied God, He thinks hes Arnold Palmer.

A keen but unskilled golfer plays the same course every week, and has particular trouble with the water trap on the 14th hole, losing a ball in it every time he plays that hole. One round he decides that this process is too expensive and decides to use an old cut-up ball instead of a good ball. He opens his bag and gets the old ball, tees it up and addresses it. Just as he commences his backswing, a mighty voice comes from on high: USE THE NEW BALL… Figuring any advice from such a source should be worth following, he picks up the old ball and tees up the new one again. He starts his backswing, but once again is interrupted by a voice from the sky: TAKE A PRACTICE SWING.. The man steps away from the ball and rehearses his swing. Just as he steps forward to readdress the ball, the voice speaks again: USE THE OLD BALL.

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didnt bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, I think Ill walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.



He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, I cant do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe youd better go talk to them.



The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: Small world.

A foursome is waiting at the mens tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet.

She goes over to the ball, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didnt help.

One of the men immediately replies: No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.