Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress, complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked whats wrong? Its a small, small world Joe, and youre fired

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Posted at a local golf club:

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Dont stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please … while others are preparing to go.

10. Dont take extra strokes. Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.

It seems that a golfer came in from the course with contusions about the throat; he could hardly talk. His friends asked him what happened to him out there.

In a very scratchy voice and with much effort he said, Well, when I teed off on the sixteenth hole I sliced the damn thing so bad that it went entirely over the rough and into the cow pasture. So, I climbed the fence to look for my ball, but I couldnt find it in the high grass.

Just then I noticed something white sticking in a cows ass. I lifted up her tail and looked, but it was a Dunlop and I was playing a Spaulding. Suddenly, this lady was climbing the fence – she was looking for her ball too.

So I lifted up the cows tail and pointed and said, Lady, does this look like yours? And she hit me in the throat with a five iron.

A lady goes for her first golf lesson.

The pro says, Youve got to hold the club like you hold your husbands organ.



She takes the club and hits the ball.



He says, Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and well go for distance.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.



Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.



Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.



Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.



The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.



Theres no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.



Golf was once a rich mans sport, but now it has millions of poor players.



An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.



Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, were
having drinks at the bar following a business meeting.The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, I have four
sons. One more and Ill have a basketball team.The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
Thats nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and Ill have a
football team.To which the Mormon man replied, You fellas aint got a clue. I
have 17 wives. One more and Ill have a golf course.

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.



Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.



To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didnt hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didnt waste much time.



Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green.



After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, You know, when I was your age Id hit the ball right over that tree.



With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.



The old man offered one more comment, Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.

Chet Wolford tells this one:

An Erie, Pennsylvania executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf
decided about December one year that he couldnt take it any longer. So he
said to his wife one evening, Honey, next Friday were going to Hilton Head
for the weekend. Well get a condo on the golf course and Im going to play
golf all weekend.

That sounds fine, she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6
a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he
noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The
exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, Mind if I play along?

The exec. said, Fine. Glad to have the company.

All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green.
When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The
exec. noticed, however, that it wasnt a club at all. It was a high powered
rifle.

Whoa, he said. Thats a high powered rifle!

Look, said the other man. Im not out to cause any trouble. If you want me
to leave, I will. No hard feelings.

No. No, said the exec. Im just curious as to why you have a high-powered
rifle in your bag.

The other man pondered for a moment and then said, Well, Ill tell you. Its
my business. Its what I do for a living.

Wow, said the other. Ive heard about guys like you, but Ive never met one
before.

Still want me to play? said the other.

Sure, said the Erie exec. As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little
hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?

The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful–an inlaid Weatherby with
a huge powerful scope mounted on it.

The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, Gee, I can see the
window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, theres my wife. He
lowered the gun for a moment and said, she doesnt have any clothes on. He
looked through the scope again. Damn, theres a guy with her.

The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. How much do you
charge?

$10,000 a bullet, said the man.

The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, Do it.

Which one? said the hit man.

Both, said the exec.

Thats $20,000, you know.

I dont care. hit em both.

The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. Where do
you want me to get the man? he asked.

You know where to hit him, said the exec.

How about the woman?

In the mouth. Shes always flapping her gums anyway.

Ok, said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked
off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. Mister, he said, I think
Im going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars.

The season is upon us, and so that all you duffers out there are prepared, heres a little poem for you all to memorize and trot out as the need arises.

Trees: A Golfing Parody

I think that I shall never see

a hazard rougher than an tree;

A tree oer which my ball must fly

if on the green it is to lie.

A tree which stands that green to guard,

and makes the shot extremely hard;

A tree whose leafy arms extend

to kill the six iron shot I send.

A tree that stands in silence there,

while angry golfers rave and swear.

Irons were made for fools like me

who cannot ever miss a tree.

(Author unknown, but with apologies to Joyce Kilmer)

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second Guy: Thats nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. You havent said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. Whats the deal?

Fourth Guy: I dont want to talk about it. Lets just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.