God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.

It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.

Then Moses said,God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it.

So God said, If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it. So he approched the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.

So Moses said, See God, I told you that would happen. Ill get it this time but youll have to get it next time. So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.

Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.

Moses said, God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it.

And God repeated, If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it. So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!

Moses said, I got the last one. So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball. About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses, Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?

Moses replied, No. He thinks hes Arnold Palmer.

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, How is the singing career going?

Stevie Wonder says, Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf.



Nicklaus replies: Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but Im still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think Ive got that right now.



I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right, says Stevie.



You play golf!? asks Jack.



Stevie says, Yes, I have been playing for years.



But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind? Jack asks.



I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice, explains Stevie.



But how do you putt? Nicklaus wondered.



Well, says Stevie, I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.



Nicklaus says, What is your handicap?



Well, I play off scratch, Stevie assures Jack.



Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, We must play a game sometime.



Wonder replies, Well, people dont take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.



Nicklaus thinks it over and says, OK, Im up for that. When would you like to play?



I dont care – any night next week is OK with me.

A guy was playing golf the day before his wedding, and unfortunately a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor. The man asked him, Well, what do you think, doc? The doctor replied, Were going to have to put in a support for about a week. He then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together with string. The mans face looked disappointed, he told the doctor But tomorrow night is my honeymoon! The doctor replied, Youre going to have to bear with it. The next night after a lovely wedding, the man and his new wife were in bed. She took off her shirt and grabs her breasts and says, No one has ever seen these before. The man pulls out his wang and says, Well mines still in the crate!

I heard this on the radio station Q-102, Des Moines, this morning:

Two women are playing golf when one of them asks the other,
Do you and your husband have mutual climax?

The other woman replies,
No, I think we have State Farm.

An inept golfer once drove his tee shot onto an anthill. After many swings, he demolished the anthill but still had not hit the ball.

At this point, one of the two ants still alive turned to the other and said, If we are going to stay alive, we had better get on the ball!

Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring thats the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?

Joe says, Yes I did.



Well, says the police officer, it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending 3 people to hospital. And its all because you sliced the ball.



Oh my goodness, says Joe, is there anything I can do?



Yes there is, the cop says… Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit.

Told to me by my wife, and to her by a colleague.

Two men are talking at work Monday morning.

What did you do this weekend?

Dropped hooks into water.

Fishing, eh?

No, golfing.

Sid and Barney head out for their usual 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, Lets say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.

Barney agrees, and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

Help me find my ball. You look over there, he says to Sid.

After five minutes, neither has had any luck. A lost ball carries a four-point penalty, so Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

Ive found my ball! he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, After all the years weve been friends, youd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?

What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!

And a liar, too!!! Sid says with amazement. Ill have you know Ive been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!

This is a true incident that happened to my cousin, Steve.

Steve is an avid golfer. Goes to tournaments, golfs every weekend, LIVES
for golf. Normally plays very well. However, Steve tells of one game,
about half way through, when his score went right down the toilet. He
was playing pretty good until…

Steve had recently moved from out-of-state to Boise, Idaho. One weekend as
he played a round of golf on one of the more popular courses in town, he
caught up with two other golfers on the course. Steve asked if they would
mind if he played through and got ahead of them. The older man, seeing that
Steve was by himself, invited Steve to join them and play as a group. Steve
thought that that would be all right, introduced himself, Hello, Im Steve
Welker, and offered his hand.

The older gentleman shook it and said, Hello, Steve. Im John Evans and
this is my son, and he introduced the younger man with him.

They started to play the next hole. John said, Where are you from, Steve?
You new here in Idaho?

Steve remarked that as-a-matter-of-fact he had just moved into Idaho from
Portland, Oregon where he had been most of his life.

John asked, What do you do here in Idaho, Steve?

Steve replied, Well, Im a private investigator. I investigate cases of
insurance fraud and court settlements. Steve went on to talk about some of
the things he had done, crawling through underbrush for hours with a camera
to take pictures of a handicapped man hauling wood, a prostitute that was
suing in an auto accident case, and such. (But those are another story.)

After a bit, though, Steve felt guilty because he had been doing all the
talking, he said, What do you do, John?

Johns face got one of those I-thought-you-would-never-ask looks as he
said, Well, Steve, Im the Governor of Idaho!

And it is at that point that Steves score went down the toilet.

Finally, the game of golf is beginning to make sense:

These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions:

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.

If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law). (Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics).

A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments as, You could blow it in … may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.