These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words layed out here.



LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.



LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.



LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.



LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.



LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant You looked up, or invoke the wrath of the universe.



LAW 6: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.



LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.



LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.



LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.



LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works against you?



LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.



LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.



LAW 13: All 3-woods are domon-possessed.



LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)



LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.



LAW 16: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.



LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.



LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.



LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.



LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. 9.30 okay?



George said, Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.



The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.



They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.



The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday? one of the foursome asked.

George said, Sure if I’m ten minutes late…



Another golfer jumped in. Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.



George said, Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.



What if she’s lying on her back?



George said, That’s when I’m ten minutes late!

Q. Why did the blonde bring two pairs of pants to the golf course?

A. Because she was afraid she might get a hole in one.

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t? she asked the instructor.

P-u-t-t is correct, he replied.

Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.

Nuts … my shaft is bent
After 18 holes I can barely walk
You really wacked the hell out of that sucker
Look at the size of his putter
Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
Mind if I join your threesome?
Stand with your back turned and drop it
My hands are so sweaty I cant get a good grip
Nice strokes, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isnt …

Hold up … I need to wash my balls first

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, lets say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day. Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.



Help me find my ball, you look over there, he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. Ive found my ball! he announces triumphantly.



Sid looks at him forlornly, After all the years weve been friends, youd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?



What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!



And a liar, too!!! Sid says with amazement.

Ill have you know Ive been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!

John, Tom, Paul and Sam are playing golf one spring day, walking the course and chatting among themselves as golfers are want to do. It was a great day with pars, bogies and doubles liberally spread amongst the group.

As they arrived at the 11th green, nestled into the corner of the course at the intersection of two busy streets, John removed his hat and lowered his head as a large funeral procession passed by.

The other members of the foursome were more than a little impressed. John, Paul said. that is one of the nicest gestures I have ever seen. Most golfers would have putted out and gone on their way.

John looked up at the group with a tear in his eye. Its the least I could do, He replied. we would have been married twenty six years this Thursday.

At a resort, a fellow walks up to an older fellow who is sitting
in the sun, sipping iced tea.

Younger guy says – Hey, you gonna just sit around all day? How
about it if you join me for a round of golf.

Nah, the older fellow replies, tried it once, didnt like it.

Well then, younger fellow asks how about a swim? It might be
just as refreshing as your iced tea there.

Nah, the older fellow responds, tried it once, didnt like it.
But if youre game for tennis, my son will be here soon and is
usually up for a game or two – you might want to play with him.

Younger fellow replies: Your only child I presume?

Rob Peck

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes.

You play golf?! asks Jack.



Stevie says, Yes, I have been playing for years.



But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind? Jack asks.



I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice, explains Stevie.



But how do you putt? Nicklaus wondered.



Well, says Stevie, I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.



Nicklaus says, What is your handicap?



Well, I play off scratch, Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, We must play a game sometime.



Wonder replies, Well, people dont take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.



Nicklaus thinks it over and says, OK, Im up for that. When would you like to play?



Stevie replies I dont care – any night next week is OK with me.

A man was looking for a new caddy one day when his friend said I know a great caddy – he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk

OK then said the man tell him Im playing again in a week.

The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive and he said to the caddy did you see where it went

The caddy then said yes

OK then where is it?

The caddy replied I forgot.