Frank and Estelle are lieing in bed together and Frank is watching Match of the Day on TV.

As Frank is watching the game and as the game is getting interesting he hears Estelle say, Frank you will never guess what I heard about the Epsteins today!.

Frank then turns to Estelle and says, Can this wait? Cant you see that I am trying to watch the game here!

Fine! Estelle replies, have it your own way, I am just sick of you watching that idiot TV box all the time, thats all. Why dont you try doing something constructive? Llike reading a book for a change!

Fine by me! says Frank, I will. Anything for a bit of piece and quiet from you!

So Frank turns off the TV and picks up a detective novel and begins to read.

After a few minutes Frank becomes immersed in his book but can hear loud annoying sighs coming from Estelle so without looking away from his book he asks, What is it now Estelle?

You know what our problem is Frank? says Estelle.

No. Frank replies still trying to read his book.

Our problem is we never talk anymore Frank! Shouts Estelle.

A rabbi and a priest had been lifelong childhood friends. The priest was always trying to covert the rabbi throughout their entire friendship. One day the Rabbi was across the street from the priest and they were meeting up at the cross walk. When the rabbi crossed the street a car came racing by and knocked the rabbi to the ground. As the rabbi got up the priest saw the rabbi cross himself. The priest came racing to his friends aid and stated I knew it! When the time came you would convert! The Rabbi had no idea what the priest was talking about. The priest said when you got up from the ground you crossed yourself. I knew when the time came and you were close to death you would see my way and convert. The rabbi proclaimed, I did not cross myself. I was checking I had everything important.


Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch!!!!!!!!

It was several weeks before Pesach. I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar that my wife instructed me to empty. She said, Empty each and every bottle down the sink, so I proceeded with the task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink, poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and put the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

Im not under the affluence of incohol, but thinke peep I am. Im not half so thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I dont know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother hes fallen in love and going to get married. He says, Just for fun, Ma, Im going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one Im going to marry.


The mother agrees.


The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, Okay, Ma. Guess which one Im going to marry.


She immediately replies, The red-head in the middle.


Thats amazing, Ma. Youre right. How did you know?


I dont like her.

Theres a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In


Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it


graduates from medical school.

: Why dont Jewish mothers drink?


A: Alcohol interferes with their


suffering.

A guy is driving around suburban Jerusalem and he sees a sign in front of a house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.


So, you talk? he asks.


Yap, the dog replies.


So, whats your story? asks the man.


The dog looks up and says, Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help out. So I told the Mossad about my gift, and in no time at all they had me working flat strap, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders and suspected terrorists, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years running. But it was exhausting work and really tired me out. I knew I wasnt getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a less stressful job at Ben Gurion airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a batch of medals. During that time I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now Im just retired. And pretty much, thats it.


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


Ten dollars. The guy says,


This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?


Because hes a liar. He never worked for Mossad!

Jewish telegram: Start worrying. Details to follow.

The other day my brother Abe asked if I had heard about the new Jewish car.

This car not only stops on a dime, It picks it up!

There was a Chinese pilot and a Jewish pilot on a flight to NYC. For some reason, they werent too fond of one another, and there was a long, tense silence that accompanied them on their trip. Finally, the Jewish pilot said something to the Chinese pilot:


I dont like the Chinese. They bombed Pearl Harbor.


No, no, no, said the Chinese man. That was the Japanese.

Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, same thing.

Another half hour of tense silence.

The Chinese pilot finally said to the Jewish pilot, I dont like the Jews. They sank the Titanic.

No, no, no! That was an iceberg!

Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, same thing.