Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?


A. Noah-he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.


Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?


A. Pharaohs daughter-she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?


A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?


A. Nebuchadnezzar-he was on grass for seven years.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?


A. Samson-he brought the house down.

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?


A. They were really put out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?


A. They raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?


A. Your mother ate us out of house and home

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?


A. David-he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?


A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?


A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?


A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?


A. The area around the Jordan-the banks were always overflowing.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?


A. When Joseph served in Pharaohs court.

Q: Which Bible character had no parents?


A: Joshua, son of Nun.

Q: How do we know that they played cards in the ark?


A: Because Noah sat on the deck.

During midd night mass, everything went well until they came to the speaking part. It did not sound like latin and the ceremony came to a halt, everyone fixed their eyes on the altar.

One priest spoke up, isnt that you Rabbi Schulmann?

Yes, this is me. father o malley wanted to take christmas off this year and i am filling in for him. we trade work you see.

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, Esther, did ve pay our charity pledge cheque to ze Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?

No, sveetheart, she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, Esther, did ve pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?

Oiy, no! Im sorry. I forgot to send ze cheque, she says.

Vun last ting, Esther. Did you remember to send ze check for the Synagogue Building Fund zis month, he asks? Oiy, forgive me, Abe, begged Esther. I didnt sent zat vun either.

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, So, vy did you kiss me?

Abe answers, Theyll find us!

This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely! He doesnt win the lottery.

The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery! Once again, he doesnt win.

The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: Help me, help me!

He says, Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?

Buy a ticket!

Q: Why dont Jewish mothers drink?


A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Abie and Moishe ran a Judaica shop on Delancy Street on the Lower East Side of NY for 33 years. Their once thriving business was doing poorly because almost all the Jews moved away and the neighborhood was now Hispanic.


Abie came up with a novel idea. Why not sell Catholic goods so they could stay in business?


Moishe agreed. So, Abie called up a Catholic good supply house on Park Avenue and placed his order. He said:


Catholic Supply House. Id like 100 rosary beads, 50 autographed pictures, and 75 crucifixes.


The supply house representative confirmed the order and then said:


Do you vant the crucifixes mit Jesus or mitout Jesus? By the way, we dont deliver on Saturdays. Were closed for Shabbos.

Jewish existentialist:


Walk on air but not against the traffic lights.

When you go to a wedding ceremony, how can you tell at which congregation it is being held?

If it is a Chassid, the mother-in-law is pregnant


If it is Conservative, the bride is pregnant


If it is Liberal, the Rabbi is pregnant.

Two Jews walk past a church and see a big sign saying Convert to Christianity and well pay you £500.


Moishe turns to Avi and says What a great offer…why dont you go in there, take the course, say youve converted to Christianity, and then well spend the cash!


Avi says Brilliant idea. You wait outside and Ill get the money.

An hour goes past. Then 2 hours.

Finally, after 5 hours, Avi comes out of the church.

Moishe asks: Well?

Avi: Well, now I believe in Jesus, the father, the son, and the Holy Ghost.

Moishe: No, no… what happened to the £500.

Avi: Thats the problem with you Jews…you only ever think about money..!!

I dont know if you know this, but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel ) called a DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

a. The cursor moves from right to left. It comes with two hard drives:one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

b. Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, it now gets Ferklempt.

c. The Chanukah screen saver includes Flying Dreidels.

d. It shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

e. After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

f . The Start button has been replaced with the Lets go!! Im not getting any younger! button.

g. When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to Remove the cable from the PCs tuchus.

h. The multimedia player has been renamed to Nu, so play my music already!

i. Internet Explorer has a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner.

j. I hear Hava Nagila during startup.

k. Microsoft Office now includes, A little byte of this, and a little byte of that.

l. When running Scan Disk it prompts with a You vant I should fix this?message.

m. When my PC is running low on memory, I occasionally hear a loud Oy Gevalt!

n. There is a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of the schmutz und drek on your monitor.

o. After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes Schloffen.

p. Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.

q. Year 5761-5762 issues have replaced the Y2K problem.

r. If you fail to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: You should be ashamed of yourself.

s. When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, Is this the best you can do?

t. When I look at erotic images, my computer says, If your mother knew you did this, she would die.

u. And best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you cant get Spam in your e-mail.