This guy walks into a bar, and sits down at the bar. There is a really good looking girl alone at the end of the bar. He catches her eye, and smiles at her. She gives him an icy stare in return.

A little while later he tries again, and is rebuked. He calls the bartender over. Listen, Id really like to meet that girl, can you help me.

Sure says the bartender, have you ever heard of Jewish Fly.


No, is it like Spanish Fly, replies the man.

Much better than that. Says the bartender.

The bartender mixes the girl a drink, (with the Jewish fly of course) and gives it to her.

A little later she smiles at the man. After a few more minutes and she began to lick her lips suggestively.

The man walks over, sits down and says May I get you another drink

No, she says in a deep sexy voice,

But you can take me shopping

A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments.

The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).

Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared


carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.

As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer.

Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!

Morris replied, Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?

(Rabbi nods yes)

Did you see me order this meal?

(again he nods yes)

Did you see the waiter bring me this food?

(again he nods yes)

And did you see me eat it? (nods yes)

Then, Rabbi, I dont see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!

how do you fit 100 jews in a car? 5 in then seats and 95 in the ash tray!

An old Jewish couple were having an argument.

Sadie, the wife: Its Ha-WAI-i!

Morris, the husband: No, its Ha-VAI-i!

Both being extremely stubborn and too proud to look it up, they continued on like this on their way to the grocers.


On their way they bumped into a stranger and decided to finish it once and for all.

Morris: Hello there. Tell me, please. Is it Ha-WAI-i or Ha-VAI-i?

The stranger: Ha-VAI-i.

Morris to Sadie: See, Sadie? Never doubt me.


Morris to stranger: Thank you very much.

Stranger: Youre velcome.

Kosher Millionaire

You have been selected to play So You Wouldnt Mind Being a Kosher Millionaire…You Should Only Live So Long. You have three lifelines to help you, as follows:

1. You may call a Rabbi for his opinion.


2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.


3. You may consider your spouses opinion … or not.

Bonus lifeline! Whether you ask for it or not, your Mother will give you her opinion.

Lets play…

For $100

Q. What is the name of the Russian Space Station that crashed and burned on re-entry?


A. Oy Vey is Mir

For $200

Q. How does a Jewish woman call her family to dinner?


A. All right, everybody get in the car.

For $500

Q. Who is Israels favorite Internet provider?


A. Netanyahoo.

For $1,000

Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?


A. Oil of Oy Vey.

For $2,000

Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?


A. Debbie Does Windows

For! !$4,000

Q. What is the technical term for a Jewish woman who catches her husband in the act with his secretary?


A. The Plaintiff.

For $8,000

Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?


A. Nyah, nyah, your mother pays retail.

For $16,000

Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?


A. When it graduates from medical school.

For $32,000

Q. What do Jewish women do to keep their hands soft and nails long and beautiful?


A. Nothing.

For $64,000

Q. Define Genius.


A. A C student with a Jewish mother.

For $125,000

Q. How do you know when a Jewish woman is about to have an orgasm?


A. She puts down her nail file.

For $250,000

Q. When should a Moyel retire?


A. When he cant cut it anymore.

For $500,000

Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?


A. A fur coat.

For $1,000,000

Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother?


A. The accent.

Mrs. Feldman was getting acquinted with her new neighbor, Mrs. Johnson when Mrs. Johnson asked, How old are your boys?


The doctor is five and the lawyer is three replied Mrs. Feldman.

Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?

A pizza does not scream in the oven

Night before her wedding, the beautiful and dutiful Jewish bride to be asked her Rabbi father for some sound advice.


Pappa, I dont know what to wear when I greet my husband in bed. Do I wear a sexy, see through, low cut shortie nightie to make him want me? Or do I wear a thick cotton nightdress that covers me from neck to toes that a respectable girl like me should wear?


Her father the Rabbi replied it makes no difference, you are going to get screwed anyway!

Doctor Goldstein and his wife are having dinner at an upscale restaurant when an attractive young blonde walks by, smiles at the doctor and says Hi Sammy.

The wife, somewhat irritated, asks, And who is that?

The doctor says, Thats my mistress.

The wife asks, You have a mistress? How long has this been going on?

The doctor says, About five years.

The wife says, Five years? Ill see a lawyer tomorrow and start a divorce. Youll be ruined.

The doctor replies, Now think about it. If we divorce we each get half of what we have. You wont have that big house, you wont get a new Cadillac every year and you wont be playing golf and bridge all day with your so-called friends.

Just then a cute redhead walks by and says Hi Sammy.

The wife asks, “And who is that one?

The doctor says, Thats Bill Grants mistress.

The wife says, Doctor Grant has a mistress too?

The doctor says, About twelve years now.

The wife says, Ours is a lot prettier.

3 rabbis died in a car crash and went up to heaven.


when they got to the gates of heaven st. peter was waiting 4 them he said i have to ask u a question before you can enter heaven. he said to the first one wot was the first man called an he replied adam an peter said right ur in.


peter said to the 2nd 1 wot was the first woman called and the rabbi replied eve so peter said right ur in. st. peter said to the last rabbi uve gotta have a harder question coz ur the head Rabbi so peter asked wot woz the first thing eve said to adam so the rabbi said oh thats a hard one. and st peter said well done ur in!!!!!!!