Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was incarcerated in the state prison.

The first says: Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life.

The second says: Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week.

Oy, says the first woman, You must get such naches from your son.

If I were Rockefeller, sighed the Hebrew teacher from Chelm, Id be richer than Rockefeller.

His friend asked, What do you mean? How could you be richer?

Id do a little teaching on the side.

The Rabbi rose with a red face and said, Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and ! in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop, rose in the third pew. Her head was


bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.

there is 3 guys one was a american jewish the others was israeli and the other was rabbi so they are heaven and they go to a place were they could meet girls so the guy who runs the place tells them i want you to go one at a time and dont touch the goose or trip over the goose so the american jewish gos in and comes back with an ugly girl and the other two ask him what happend and the guy replys i touched the goose


then the rabbi gos in and comes back with an ugly girl and they asked him the same question and he answers i triped over the goose. So the israelin gos in and he comes out with a hot chick and the other two ask him what happend but before he could answer the girl answers i touched the goose

Did you hear that El Al and Al Italia are merging?

Oh yeh. Theyre going to call it Vel I Tell Ya

one day moshe cohen goes to the rabbi to ask for advice.he says to the rabbirabbi,i feel very unholy


ive been very bad to other people.


moshesays the rabbi (for he knows him well)the torah says to love thy neighbor like you love yourself.


i knowsays moshewhat should i do?


so the rabbi saysgo to you front window and stick out your tongue.


gee,thankssays moshewill that make me holy?


no,says the rabbibut the man opposite your front


window refused to donate tzedakah to the shul

WIFE:


What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?


HUSBAND:


Definitely not!


WIFE:


Why not – dont you like being married?


HUSBAND:


Of course I do.


WIFE:


Then why wouldnt you remarry?


HUSBAND:


Okay, Id get married again.


WIFE:


You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).


HUSBAND:


(makes audible groan).


WIFE:


Would you live in our house?


HUSBAND:


Sure, its a great house.


WIFE:


Would you sleep with her in our bed?


HUSBAND:


Where else would we sleep?


WIFE:


Would you let her drive my car?


HUSBAND:


Probably, it is almost new.


WIFE:


Would you replace my pictures with hers?


HUSBAND:


That would seem like the proper thing to do..


WIFE:


Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:


No, shes left-handed.

WIFE:


– – silence – –

HUSBAND:


Whooooooooooooooooooops….

A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He is an old man with a cane and cant walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. I dont think I would have been able to catch my hat. the Rabbi says. Thank you very much. The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, May God bless you.


The young man thinks to himself, Ive been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day! So he goes to the racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where hes been. He explains how he caught the Rabbis hat and was blessed by him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. So wheres the money? she says. I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost. You fool! she said, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat. It doesnt matter, he said, the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.

A couple was taking classes before getting married and they reviewed the laws for couples. The rabbi put a lot of emphasis on staying away from mixed dancing parties. He claimed it to be a huge sin and to stay away.


A few sessions later they were learning about laws of family and sex. The groom asked, is all types of sex permitted? The rabbi replied some are questionable, he had to be specific. The groom asked, Is military position o.k.? the rabbi said, yes perfect.


How about woman on top?


Yes, fine replied the rabbi.


In a chair?


No problem. He answered.


Standing up?


The Rabbi got angry and said, No way, no how…it may lead to mixed dancing!

A Jewish mother sends her son a red sweater and a blue sweater for Channukkah. He is soon going to visit her but cant figure out which sweater to wear. Having become completely stressed, he finally chooses the blue sweater, puts in on, and heads for his mothers house. She opens the door and instead of making sure he arrived alright, simply asks him, What, you didnt like the red sweater?