President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, How come the Jews know everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, The Jews have this


expression – Vus titzuch?

The President says, Hell, whats that mean?

Well, Mr. President, replies the CIA


chief, Its a Yiddish expression which roughly


translates to whats happening. They just ask


each other and they know everything.

The President decides to personally go undercover


to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up


as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long


black coat), and is secretly flown in an unmarked


plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car


and dropped off in Brooklyns most Jewish


neighborhood. Soon a little old man comes


shuffling along. The President stops him and


whispers, Vus titzuch?

The old guy whispers back: Bush is in Brooklyn.

1. I Was One of the Chosen People (Til She Chose Somebody Else)


2. Stand by Your Mensch


3. Ive Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?


4. New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament


5. Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights


6. Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes


7. I Balanced Your Books, but Youre Breaking My Heart


8. The Second Time She Said Shalom, I Knew She Meant Goodbye


9. Youre the Lox My Bagels Been Missin


10.Youve Been Talkin Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town


11.Mamas Dont Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesnt Mean Anything Now That Youre Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)

Brochstein walks up to Horowitz in the street, taps him on the shoulder and when Horowitz turns, he sends him sprawling to the ground with a solid zetz to the nose. He then says, take that, Rosenzweig, you lousy mamzer!! The bleeding Horowitz shouts back, Im Horowitz, you schook! I am NOT Rosenzweig.

Realizing his error, Brochstein apologizes profusely and begs forgiveness for the error of mistaken identity. However, Horowitz remains furious and he screams forth a steady blue stream of epithets.

Finally, Brochstein says, please Horowitz, calm down. Why are you so upset? Why do you care so much about how I treat Rosenzweig?

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

Look at their reserve, their calm, muses the Brit. They must be British.

Nonsense, the Frenchman disagrees. Theyre naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.

No clothes, no shelter, the Russian points out, they have only an apple to eat, and theyre being told this is paradise. They are Russian Jews.

Q. What do you call a condom filled with matzoh meal?

A. A Pesach-dick

In old Russia, two beggars sat next to each other in a district where few Jews lived. One held a sign saying Please help the war veteran, and the other holds a sign saying Please help a poor Jew.

People pass by and even those who didnt intend to give money to either of them, give to the first beggar to upset the Jew. Finally, one day a good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: Why dont you change your sign? Dont you understand that nobody will give you any money? and walks away. As he goes, the Jew turns to the other beggar and says: Chaim, he would teach us business…

There was a Jewish gentleman sitting in Central Park one day, and his best friend Saul came up to him and asked him why he read the paper.


You know, Esra, that paper is anti-semitic.


Esra replies, I know, Saul, but I love hearing such good things that come out of this paper. They think Jews control Hollywood, the government, and labor and industry. Its great being a Jew!

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.

They go home and follow the rabbis advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesnt help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

Okay, says the rabbi, lets try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.

Once again, they follow the rabbis advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, You see, THATS the way to wave a towel!

A Priest and a Rabbi were talking one day.


And the conversation eventually turned as it always did, to the Rabbis Piety.


The Priest kept on urging him,Come on Rabbi, this is the 21st century. Why dont you lighten up? When are you going to break down and have a ham sandwich?


The Rabbi looked at him at length and replied,At your wedding, Father. At your wedding!

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, That is very impressive!

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, That is really impressive!

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, If it works for the other two… So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, Why is the fly not dead?

And the Jewish samurai replies, If you look closely, youll see that the fly has been circumcised.