1. Plan ahead. It wasnt raining when Noah built the ark.


2. Stay fit. When youre 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.


3. Dont listen to critics – do what has to be done.


4. Build on high ground.


5. For safetys sake, travel in pairs.


6. Two heads are better than one.


7. Speed isnt always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.


8. If you cant fight or flee – float!


9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.


10. Dont forget that were all in the same boat.

Three rabbis were bragging about how liberal they were.

Rabbi #1: We have ashtrays by the seats.

Rabbi #2: Thats nothing! Come Yom Kippur service, we hand out sandwiches… ham sandwiches.

Rabbi #3: Thats nothing! When the High Holy Days come, we lock the doors and put the sign: Closed for the holidays.

Mrs. Levy has just taken little David to school when it hits her that she forgot to give him his apple.


She spots Mrs. Cohen walking by and askes her to give the apple to the best looking boy in the class.


So Mrs. Cohen gives the Apple to her own Son.

During Sabbath services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.

The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldnt hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.

Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the aisle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.

The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. Look who thinks hes nothing!

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right? they ask.

Its pretty nice, she replies, except they wont let you fart.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?


A: Its called Debbie Does Dishes.

The state of the world had reached such cataclysmic proportions, that the religious leaders of the planet decided that it was time to get together and put past differences behind them. Only through godliness, it was felt, would the human race have a chance to survive. If believers in different faiths could get along, then all the non-believers in the world would follow suit.

A big conference was held in Geneva, which was attended by all the leaders of the world’s major and not so major religions. However, it soon became apparent that the job at hand was not going to be as simple as they thought. After all, hadn’t religion been the main cause for persecution, war and general bloodshed for thousands of years? All the participants decided that they would go away for six months in order to discuss matters with their co-religionists to look for compromises that could be made. In this way, it was hoped, believers would find other creeds more palatable.

For half a year, the whole world held its breath. Speculations were published in the media as to what the ground-breaking compromises would be. Finally the long-awaited day arrived. The world’s religious leaders reconvened in Geneva. With the eyes of all humanity fixed upon them, the representatives began to take the podium to announce the decisions of their co-religionists.

As the representative of the world’s largest religion, Roman Catholicism, the Papal delegate was the first to step up to the microphone. After a long-winded preamble in which he recounted the history of Catholicism and its major achievements and apologised to all those who had been hurt by it, he finally announced that the Pope had decided to allow contraception to deal with the world’s population crisis and had agreed to compromise on his own infallibility. There was much cheering in the hall and outside of it. Everybody understood the significance of these decisions and how hard it had probably been to reach them. If this was to set the tone for the conference, then surely peace for all mankind was around the corner.

And sure enough, it was. The Calvinists gave up their belief in the Elect, Buddhists agreed to stop praying to a bald, fat idol, Muslims said that the idea of Jihad wasn’t such a good one after all and that they’d ease up on the no-alcohol business so that they could go for the occasional pint with the other believers and the Mormons finally agreed to stop bothering the hell out of other people.

As everyone was preparing to go whilst busily patting each other on the back, someone remembered that the Jewish delegate hadn’t spoken. A black-garbed bearded rabbi was called to the podium. Taking his notes from his pocket and adjusting his spectacles, he drew a deep breath. “Friends and fellow believers in G-d,” he began, “As representative of the oldest monotheistic faith in the world, one that formed the basis for the morality of the Western world and of a people that has undergone persecution in the name of religion for 2000 years, I must tell you that the past six months have not been easy ones. We Jews have our factions, Orthodox and Reform, Ashkenazi and Sephardi, Zionist and non-Zionist, Hassidim and Misnagdim, and yet we all have come to the realisation that for the sake of world peace, the environment of our planet and the continuation of the human race, we have to make far-reaching compromises. So, bearing all this in mind, we finally decided that we, representatives of the Jewish religion, are prepared to give up on the second Yekum Porkun of Shacharis on Shabbas. Thank you.”

A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery.


They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury.

They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back


to their estate.

The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch.

The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four. The butler replied, The Cohens telephoned and said


they were bringing the Bagels and the Knishes.

The Yaakov, the first Jew to be elected President calls his Mother: Mama, Ive won the elections. Youve got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.

Mamma says, I dont know, what would I wear?

Yaakov says Dont worry, Ill send you a dressmaker.

Momma reminds him, Remember I only eat kosher food.

Yakkov responds, Yes Mama, I am going to be the president. I can get you kosher food.

But how will I get there? asks Momma.

Ill send a limo. says Yaakov. Please, just come mama.

Mamma says, Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the future Cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right. You see that boy, the one giving the speech? His brothers a doctor!

Two fathers and a rabbi decided to go swimming in a local lake one HOT day. So, they stripped and went swimming. As they were getting out, some ladies were strolling by the lake. One father yelled, Cover your privates! So both fathers covered that area, but the rabbi covered his face. Later, the other father asked, Why did you cover your face? The rabbi answered, I dont know for you two, but itd be my face theyd recognise.