* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

* If you wish to know The Way, dont ask for directions. Argue. Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. Youll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

* Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

* The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

* Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

* The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

* Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

* To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes

Moishe mit Rochels car Vun day,


Chaim vas valking down da street ven who did he see


driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Moishe!!

Moishe pulled up to him vit a big vide smile.

So……Moishe, vere did you get dat big fancy car?


Chaim asked.


Rochel gave it to me


She gave it to you? Rochel gave you a car? I knew she

vaz sveet on you, but dis?


Vell, let me tell you vot happened. Ve vos driving out

on county road 6, in da middle of novere.


Rochel pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got

out of da car, trew off all of her clothes and said


Moishe take vatever you vant.

…Sooooo, I took da car.

Moishe, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit


ya.

A Catholic priest was manning a confession booth for several hours and wanted relief. He asked his friend the rabbi to fill in for him. When the rabbi said he had no experience, he asked the rabbi to stay with him in the booth and observe what he did. The rabbi obliged.


A man confessed that he committed adultery 3 times. The priest told him to say 2 hail marys and put $5 in the box. Next, a woman told the priest he committed adultery times. The priest repeated his instructions. The rabbi then said he knew what to do and could take over.


Afterwards, a different woman came around and confessed to the rabbi that she committed adultery. The rabbi asked how many times. The woman said she did it once. The rabbi responded:


Do it 2 more times. Were having a special. Three for five dollars.

A tourist in San Francisco is walking around in Chinatown and sees a sign that says Moishe Plotniks Chinese Laundry. Moishe Plotnik??? Where the heck does that come from???

So he walks in and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. He asks, How did a place like this get a name like Moishe Plotniks Chinese Laundry?

The old man answers, Is name of owner.


The tourist asks, Well who and where is the owner?


Me right here, replies the old man.


You? How did YOU get a name like Moishe Plotnik?

Is simple…Many year ago when come to this country, standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, Whats your name? He say, Moishe Plotnik. Then she look at me and go, What your name? I say, Sem Ting….

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, Lady, I havent eaten in three days.


Force yourself she replied.

5 jews and a car go over a cliff why is this a problem?

3 mor could have fit in the car

A mohel was in the unsual habit of saving the foreskins from the babies he circumcised. Everyone thought this was evidence enough that the old man was deranged. When they found out that he wasnt just saving them, but sewing them into miniature change-purses, they were ready to call for the men in white coats.

The mohel insisted, though, that he was in full possession of his faculties. Im just being practical, he said. Theyre the most useful change-purses in the world. Just watch! You rub one, and it turns into a suitcase!

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.

When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says Now I have to arrange for a Get.

The judge inquires what she means by a Get. So, the woman explains that a Get is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce.

The judge says, You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?

She replies Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire schmuck.

There was a black guy, an Arab, and a Jew on a plane. The plane was too heavy and was going to crash so each man had to empty one thing from the plane while it was in the air…

The Black throws over all of his lugagge.


The Arab throws over his bullets.


And, finally, the Jew throws over the Arab…

A spaceship lands on Mars, and the astronauts are getting ready to go out when they look out the window and see something really weird.

Radioing Earth they yell: Houston, weve got a problem, theres a bunch of fully-bearded green Martians wearing black clothes, sidecurls and hats out there.

Go out and make contact, find more about them, was the reply.

So they did, and when they approached the group one of the astronauts asked: Do you all dress like that?

Oh, not at all, reply the Martians, Only the orthodox ones!