This old gentlemans dear old dog passed away. He was so attached to that dog that he went to his


Rabbi and asked if the Rabbi would say kadish for the dog.


The Rabbi said, No, we only say kadish for humans, not animals.


However there is a new congregation two blocks down the street from here.


You can go there and ask if they will bless your dog.


The man thanked the Rabbi and said, Do you suppose they would also accept my donation of $75,000?


The Rabbi said, Hold it — come back. You didnt tell me the dog was Jewish.

1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favorite celebrity is Jewish

2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines at ones Bar or Bat mitzvah.

3. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

4. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

5. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 400 AM so she can change the babys diaper.

6. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

7. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

8. KISHKA n. Smooching at a Bar Mitzvah and getting the telltale smell of Stuffed Derma.

9. MEINSTEIN slang. My son, the genius.

10. MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception.

11 RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from New Jersey to Florida and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

12. ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock n roll band from Brooklyn.

13. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

14. DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and


Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irvs son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

15. KINDERSCHLEP n. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

16. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

17. OYVAYSMEAR What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.

18. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot.

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, I built a big house for our mother. The second said, I sent her a Lexus with a driver. The third smiled and said, Ive got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she cant see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Shammos in the shul 12 years to teach him. Hes one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

Milton, she wrote one son, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.

Gerald, she wrote to another, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!

Dearest Donald, she wrote to her third son, You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.


The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. What happened? they asked. Well, said Moishe, First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.

And then? asked a woman.

I dont know, said Moishe. He took out his lunch and I took out mine.

A Brooklynite tourist was strolling through Hong Kong when he spied a synagogue. He entered and, sure enough, he found a Chinese Rabbi and a Chinese congregation.


Even though he spoke no Chinese, he was touched by the service.


The rabbi stood by the door greeting his congregants, When the Brooklynite shook the rabbis hand, the rabbi asked, You Jew?


The man answered Yes


The rabbi replied, Funny, you dont look Jewish!

A woman stopped by at her sons house,rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law on the couch,totally naked. Soft music was playing,and the aroma of perfume filled the room.


What was a nice Jewish girl like her doing lounging around naked?? she thought….


What are you doing? she asked.


Im waiting for my husband to come home from work the daughter-in-law said.


But youre naked! the mother-in-law exclaimed.


This is my love dress the daughter-in-law explained.


Love dress? But youre naked!


My husband loves me to wear this dress she explained. It excites him no end.Every time he sees me in this dress,he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He cant get enough of me


The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to


arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.


What are you doing? he asked.


This is my love dress, she whispered,sensually.

Needs ironing, he said. Whats for dinner?

During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish – the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.


A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish? they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said… Shhhh. He thinks were teaching him English.

The Pope and The Jew

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy.

If the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate.

Rabbi Moishe, however refused, saying it was no use and the Jews might as well start packing.

The people were distraught.

Out of the weeping and wailing, a voice was heard. It was Yakel saying I will do it.

The people said you Yakel? you are just a dumb schmuck. How could you, who cannot even read the Torah, face the pope?

It is either me or move, replied Yakel.

So the people agreed.

However, as Yakel spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a silent debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Yakel sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Yakel looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Yakel pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Yakel pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Yakel was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us.

He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.

He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

He had me beaten and I could not continue.

Meanwhile, the delirious Jewish community was gathered around Yakel.

What happened? they asked.

Well, said Yakel, First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours.

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, Mr. Pope, were staying right here.

And then what? asked a woman.

Who knows? said Yakel. He took out his lunch so I took out mine.

Oy veh…

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He cant wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands Okay, Irving, Fetch!

Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.

Looking up at his master, he whines, You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy … This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think its easy eating that junk you call designer dog food. Forget it…its too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why dont you try it if you think its so good? You try it. Junk I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. Its disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I cant remember when!

The neighbor is absolutely amazed … stunned. In astonishment, he says, I cant believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks.


Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us.

I know, I know. says the owner. Hes not yet fully trained yet. He thought I said, Kvetch.

When Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and offer a truly Jewish meal.


At the dinner that night, the first course served was matzo ball soup.


George W. looked at this and after learning what it was called, he told an aide that he couldnt eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The


aide told George W. that Mr. Sharon would be insulted if he doesnt, at least, taste it.


Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate a sheeps eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowered his spoon into the bowl and retrieved a piece of matzo ball and some broth.


He hesitated, then swallowed. A big grin appeared on his face. He


discovered that he really liked it, so he proceeded to dig right in and finish the whole bowl.


That was delicious! Bush said to Sharon. Do you Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or just the balls?