Q: Whats a Jewish American Princess favorite position?


A: Facing Bloomingdales

Moshe walks into a bar and sits down. He gets out a tiny little box and to the man sitting next to hims surprise the box starts playing music. After further inspection the man realises that inside the box is a ten inch pianist playing on a tiny grand piano.

Thats incredible!, the man says, Where did you get that?

Well, says Moshe, I found this magic lamp. At that Moshe pulls aout a magic lamp from his jacket.

The man says Could I make a wish please?

Moshe agrees to the mans wishes but does warn him about the lamp:


The thing is, the lamp doesnt work very well…

However the man is already rubbing the lamp. After the man stops making his wish, the bar fills with hundreds of thousands of hound dogs, barking and biting.

I didnt wish for this, the man says in utter surprise, I wished for a million POUNDS

So Moshe replies Well did you thing I wished for a 10-inch PIANIST?

A young Jewish man moves out to the city to live in a studio apartment. Before he left his mom gave him 2 dress shirts as a going away gift. One was blue and one was cream colored.

His mother was very nervous and wouldnt stop calling him to ask thim to move back home from the ghetto. The young man invited his mom over to dinner the next week in order to show her that the neighborhood was safe.

She arrived on time with dad and a shopping bag full of food (because she was sure he was starving).

When he opened the door his mom frowned. The young man was worried and asked, Mom, whats wrong?


She replied, Whats the matter, you didnt like the other shirt?

It was during the cold war. The fate of the Western world hung in the balance. A secret agent had to find a spy named Epstein in New York and give him a secret code.


So, the agent entered the lobby of the apartment building on the lower east side of Manhattan where he lived and browsed the directory. He noticed there were 2 Epsteins listed; one on the 1st floor, the other on the 2nd.


He knocks on the door of the Epstein on the first floor. When Epstein opens the door, the agent tells him, The sky above, the mud below.


Mr. Epstein replies, Oh! You want Epstein the spy. Second floor.

There was a young man, who was known for his lack of study and the rabbi of the congregation, was not about to let this go unnoticed. He performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal lack of preparation.

When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.

But then the rabbi, added a special gift. He said, You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Indiums in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem…and now for my own special gift to you, with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lecturn, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, I present you this umbrella, because, I want to give you a gift that at least I know you will open.

A couple are nearing their 50th wedding anniversary.

The husband calls his son in a distant city and tells him that they are getting a divorce.

Don’t do that! shouts the son. Do nothing until I get there.

The son then calls his sister in yet another city. She calls her father.

Don’t get a divorce! she cries. Do nothing until I get there.

The old father hangs up and says to mother, Well, they didn’t come for Pesach and they didn’t come for Rosh Hashana, but I got them to come for our 50th anniversary.

A man calls his mother in Florida. Mom, how are you? Not too


good, says the mother. Ive been very weak.

The son says, Why are you so weak? She says, Because I havent


eaten in 38 days. The man says, Thats terrible! Why havent you eaten


in 38 days?

The mother answers, Because I didnt want my mouth to be filled with


food if you should call.

1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favorite celebrity is Jewish

2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines at ones Bar or Bat mitzvah.

3. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

4. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

5. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 400 AM so she can change the babys diaper.

6. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

7. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

8. KISHKA n. Smooching at a Bar Mitzvah and getting the telltale smell of Stuffed Derma.

9. MEINSTEIN slang. My son, the genius.

10. MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception.

11 RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from New Jersey to Florida and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

12. ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock n roll band from Brooklyn.

13. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

14. DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and


Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irvs son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

15. KINDERSCHLEP n. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

16. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

17. OYVAYSMEAR What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.

18. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot.

Jack was coming out of shul one day, and the rabbi was standing at the door as he always did to shake hands.

The rabbi grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The rabbi said to him, You need to join the Army of HaShem!

Jack replied, Im already in the Army of HaShem, Rabbi.

The rabbi questioned, How come I almost never see you except at Rosh

Hashanah and Yom Kippur?!

Jack whispered back, Im in the secret service.

Two Jewish ladies who were neighbors in New York met unexpectedly in Miami one winter.

Why Shirley one of them said, I had no idea you were here

So listen Ruthie said Shirley now that we met I just must tell you, I am having an affair!

How wonderful said Ruthie, who is doing the catering?