An old Jewish man goes to his local diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal.


The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. How was your meal, sir? the manager asks. Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread, comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. How was your meal today, sir? the manager asks. Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread, comes the reply.

So … the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. How was your meal, sir? the manager asks, when he comes to pay. Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread, comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: How was your meal TODAY, sir?

The old man replies: It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread!

Mrs Goldstein was playing a round of golf on a hot afternoon when she hit the ball right into the rough. She went to fetch it and where the ball had landed she found a frog in a trap.

Please help me the frog exclaimed, If you let me out Ill grant you three wishes!

Without wasting any time Mrs Goldstein releases the frog and waits for him to speak again.

What I failed to tell you, the frog said, is that whatever YOU wish for, Mr Goldstein will get 10 times better or more

Mrs Goldstein is happy anyway and goes ahead with her first wish.

I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world! she demanded

You do realise, said the frog, that Mr Goldstein will become the most handsome man in the world and all women will flock to him.

However, Mrs Goldstein believes that if she is the most beautiful woman in the world, then he will only have eyes for her.


Next come her second wish:

I wish I was the richest woman in the world!

And so the frog tld her that Mr Goldstein will be 10 times richer than her. However Mrs Goldstein knew that as his wife whatever money belongs to him also belongs to her.

And finally, the frog said, youre last wish Mrs Goldstein?

I would like a mild heart attck!

It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down next to him. The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, Who wrote this?!!

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot.

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, Why is this knight different from all other knights?

Q: Why do we have an Haggadah at Passover?


A: So we can Seder right words.

Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?


A: A matzochist.

This is a little known tale of how G-d came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.

G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. Whats a commandment? they asked. Well, its like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, replied G-d. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, No way, that would ruin our weekends.

So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, Whats a commandment? Well, said G-d, Its like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL. The Assyrians immediately replied, No way. That would ruin our economy.

So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, How much? G-d said, Theyre free.

The Jews said, Great! Well take TEN!

Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldnt even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:

You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news.

Moses was staggered. The voice continued:

You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs

You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust.

You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaohs army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land.

Moses was stunned. He stammered, Thats…. thats fantastic. I cant believe it! — But whats the bad news?

You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement.

It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh


Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, Mr. Ford,


announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three.

We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry.

Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept


his interest piqued. We would like to demonstrate it to you in person.

After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to


enter a black automobile parked in front of the building.


Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. Please step inside, Mr. Ford. What! shouted the tycoon, Are you crazy?


It must be two hundred degrees in that car! It is, smiled the youngest


brother, Max, but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button.

Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air


started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the


automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.

This is amazing! exclaimed Ford. How much do you want for the patent?


Norman spoke up, The price is one million dollars.

Then he paused. And there is something else. The name Cohen Brothers Air- conditioning must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!

Money is no problem, retorted Ford, but no way will I have a Jewish name


next to my logo on my cars!

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five


million dollars, but the Cohens last name would be left off.


However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned


upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see


those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel:


NORM HI and MAX

The President of the synagogue went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.

He says, Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!

After the warm rain


the sweet smell of camellias.


Did you wipe your feet?


*****


Her lips near my ear,


Aunt Sadie whispers the name


of her friends disease.


*****


Today I am a man.


Tomorrow I will return


to the seventh grade.


*****


Testing the warm milk


on her wrist, she sighs softly.


But her son is forty.


*****


The sparkling blue sea


reminds me to wait an hour


after my sandwich.


*****


Lacking fins or tail


the gefilte fish swims with


great difficulty.


*****


Like a bonsai tree,


your terrible posture


at my dinner table.


*****


Beyond Valium,


the peace of knowing ones child


is an internist.


*****


Jews on safari —


map, compass, elephant gun,


hard sucking candies.


*****


The same kimono


the top geishas are wearing:


I got it at Loehmanns.


*****


The shivah visit:


so sorry about your loss.


Now back to my problems.


*****


Mom, please! There is no


need to put that dinner roll


in your pocketbook.


*****


Seven-foot Jews in


the NBA slam-dunking!


My alarm clock rings.


*****


Sorry Im not home


to take your call. At the tone


please state your bad news.


*****


Is one Nobel Prize


so much to ask from a child


after all Ive done?


*****


Today, mild shvitzing.


Tomorrow, so hot youll plotz.


Five-day forecast: feh


*****


Passover

Left the door open


for the Prophet Elijah.


Now our cat is gone.


*****


Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.


Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah


Oy! To be fluent!


*****


Quietly murmured


at Saturday services,


Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.


*****


A lovely nose ring,


excuse me while I put my


head in the oven.


****


Hard to tell under the lights.


White Yarmulke or


male-pattern baldness.

Sadie and Yetta, two Jewish widows, are talking

Sadie: That nice tailor, Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.

Yetta: Vell…. Ill tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then


he takes me downstairs, and whats there but such a beautiful car…..a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner….Marvelous dinner. Lobster, even. Den ve go see a show…..Let


me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then, we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL, he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!

Sadie: Oy! Vey…so you are telling me I shouldnt go out with him?

Yetta: No…No… Im just saying, wear an old dress.

Q: What did Ms. Lewinsky allegedly say when


offered a position at the UN?


A: Would that, then, be a missionary position?

Late at night, a woman is woken from her sleep by a bat suddenly swooping into her room through a window.

She watches as the bat transforms itself into a vampire. She grips the pillow tightly, but is too afraid to speak.

The vampire slowly approaches, but as it almost reaches her, the woman suddenly remembers the cross on her night-stand.

She grabs it tightly, holding it out towards the vampire and, in a trembling voice,cries,

You cant come closer! I have a cross.

The vampire looks the woman in the eye and responds, Lady, Es vet dir gornisht helfen!

1. Pray here often?


2. I must have great kavanah, because I think my prayers have just been answered.


3. This Social Hall may have been dedicated in 1946, but Ive been dedicated to you ever since you entered the room.


4. Hagbah is easy but picking up a girl like you is intimidating.


5. I see you are using the new linear siddur. Does that mean a lame one-liner might work on you?


6. You are the reason we need a mechiztah in this shul.


7. Since were in a beis knesset, do I have a chance of getting to base with you?


8. The rabbis sermons can put people to sleep. Care to hear his shiur together?


9. You know, I had my bris down the hall in this shul. Want to see where?


10. Dont let my tallis-bag fool you — I got it for my Bar-Mitzvah.


11. This kiddush ginger-ale is quite flat. Unlike you.


12. Just like the Ner Tamid, my love for you burns eternal.


13. Isnt this conspicuosly funny


14. Like the tenth man to make a minyan, you…complete…me.


15. You had me at Adon (Olam).


16. Like an incoherent chazzan, Id like to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.


17. I think Ive lost my page number. Can I have yours?


18. Wont you bimah, bimah baby tonight.


19. I may bless God that He did not make me a woman, but Im sure glad He made you one!


20. You know, I think you owe me a back rub; my neck is sore from noticing you up in the womens section all morning…


21. I notice that your Artscroll Siddur is dog-eared at Tehillim. Could I be what youve been praying for?


22. The Tenth Commandment prohibits us from coveting our neighbors property. I sure hope you live across town!


23. You must feel fortunate to have a minyan wherever you go, cause baby, youre a 10!


24. Do you wear a hat to shul even in warm weather? Would you like to?