When a group of Israeli astranauts landed on Mars they noticed all the people were green from Head to toe however some of the little green men also had green helmets. The Astranauts managed to find a language with the little greem Martians


they asked them why some wore the helmets and others not… OH, replied the head Martian, Those are the FRUMERS !!

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you cant bring your dog in here.


What do you mean, says the man, this is a Jewish dog. Look.

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

Rover, says the man, daven!.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

Thats fantastic, says the shammas, absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!

You speak to him, says the man, he wants to be a dentist.

Five Jewish gentlemen were playing poker one night when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, stands up, clutches his chest and drops dead on the floor.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Bash looks around and asks Now, who is going to tell the wife?

They draw straws. Nordheim, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse than it is.

Gentlemen! Discreet? Im the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.

Nordheim schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Nordheim declares Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.

She hollers, TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!

Nordheim says, Ill tell him.

There wore two jews on the Titanic. They were named Moshe and Jankele. Both of them survived. In the saving boat, Moshe cried and cried. To be friendly to him Jankele said:


Why are you crying? The boat wasnt yours.

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didnt say anything feeling himself a guest and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the Americans dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver.

Listen. he says, When you went through the red light, I didnt say anything. But why on earth are you stopping at a green light?

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: Are you crazy?!, he shouts. The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?

An Ashkenazi orthodox rabbi was leading a service, and then the idea popped into his head that there might be Chinese Jews, with Chinese rabbis, with Chinese congregations.


So he goes all the way to China Town in San Francisco from New York to find out.


Sure enough, he comes across a small Chinese congregation with a Chinese rabbi.


He stares for a while. Finally, the rabbi walkes over to him and asks, Are you Jewish?


Yes, why? asks the Ashkenazi rabbi, somewhat puzzled.


You dont look it.

Q. Why did the Jewish chicken cross the road?

A. To get to the synagogue

A Jewish man sits next to two Arab men on a flight from New York to Miami. The Jewish man kicks off his shoes. Meanwhile, one of the Arabs says he would like a coke. Since he was by the aisle, the Jewish man says, Ill get it for you, and goes off in his stockinged feet. While he was gone, one of the Arab men spit into the Jewish fellows left shoe. Later, the other Arab man says that he too would like a coke, and the Jewish man goes off to fetch it. This time, his right shoe gets spitted into.

As the flight was ending, the Jewsih man slid his shoes back on and through his socks, he felt the squishiness. He immediately figured out what had happened and exclaimed, When will it end!!?? When will all this enmity cease, the hatred, the anger, the spitting in shoes and the pishing in coca cola!!??

Oy of the Beholder – Singles kvetch about their awful dates.

Girls, Interrupted – Womens section of Shul shusshed during davening (prayers).

The Seder House Rules – Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach.

Angelas Kashas – Woman reveals secret recipes.

The Six Cents – Three Jews each put in their two-cents worth.

Snow Falling on Seders – Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.

Supernova – Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.

Dreydel Will Rock – Chanukah toy comes alive.

Sleepy Hallah – On Friday night, father fills up on bread, dozes off.

Stuart Ladle – Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.

The Whole Nine Yids – Struggling shul waits for tenth.

The Green Mohel – Young man performs first circumcision

Mun on the Moon – Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling, not green cheese, on lunar surface.

Gonif with the Wind – A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.

The Putzman Rings Twice – A mohel murder mystery

Schnorer Rae – A freeloader tries to get in on the union movement

Balaboosta Cockburn – John Waynes wife memorizes Grossinger cookbook

The Good, the Chabbad, and the Ugly – A kosher noodle western

Moby Dreck – Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale

The Cincinnati Yid – Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform congregation

Litvak Big Man – Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kibbitzer – Paul Newman and Robert Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims.

Bridge over the River Kvetch – The extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips

The Creature from the Black Latke – An overdone potato pancake turns into a monster

Mamza Poppins – A talented nanny has questions about her birth legitimacy

The Matzo Candidate – Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking its always Passover

Mister Schnapps Goes to Washington – Jimmy Stewart thinks hes still filming Harvey

Driedls of the Lost Ark – Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games

Aleph Doesnt Live Here Anymore – Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found

Borscht-time for Bonzo – Ronald Regan tries to train an Ashkenazy monkey

Singing in the Chrain – Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his umbrella

a jewish mom is walking to the store on her way there she finds a 100 dollar bill and go in the store to buy some jewish candy but she cant couse the cash is mexica money so she gets the candy and goes up to the cashier and says this is all i whant ok thatll be 2.50 so she gives the money to him and he says this is mexican money you stopid jew!