That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping

my husband company while I go for a swim?



Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think Ill go

introduce myself!



His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and Im

happy for them both.



If he doesnt let me hold the remote, I get all moody.



He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.



Im sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned

waiter with a heart of gold any day!



Were redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him

with the color choices!



He talks our relationship to death! Its making me crazy!



Why



I just realized — my butt doesnt look fat in this — my butt *is* fat!

Q: Whats the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer?

A: Theres skid marks in front of the deer!

Q: Why are there so few Irish lawyers?

A: The majority of them cant pass the bar!

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the drivers side of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
I cant believe how materialistic you lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you dont notice anything else.
How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, Dont you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.
Ahhh! screamed the lawyer. Wheres my Rolex!"

Q: How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
A: You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.

Q: Whats the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
A: Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?

Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you cant understand.

Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A lobotomy.

Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: Ones a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the others just a fish.

Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
A: Ones slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, thats not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a

backwoods section of Maine.



On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors.



Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears – a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasnt so lucky, and the male bear

reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.



Hes in THAT one! cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friends family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. What did you do that for! exclaimed the lawyer, I said he was in the other! Exactly, replied the sheriff, and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?

Defense Attorney: Would you please state your age to the court for the record.

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you on the night in question.

Little Old Lady: There I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up the porch stairs and sits down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: Then what happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Lady: Well, he started to rub my thighs.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didnt.

Defense Lawyer: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Dan passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: Then what happened?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: Well your honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadnt felt that good in years.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, I started to feel so spicy that I said to him, Take me young man.

Defense Attorney: And did he take you?

Little Old Lady: No. Thats when he yelled April Fool!.. And thats when I shot him.

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, Do you enjoy it?

She said that she did. He asked, Does it hurt you?

She said that it didnt. The doctor then told her, Well, then, theres no reason that you shouldnt practice anal sex, if thats what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.

The woman was mystified. She asked You can get pregnant from anal sex?

The doctor replied, Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?

The James Bond Award to a Japanese businessman who recently left Houston to take a new job in his native country. To friends and acquaintances, he supplied his new direct phone number, but warned, The phone will only be activated when the caller says, You have a paint job (9 to 5) or You have a golf game (24 hours). I await your call.

The Plain English Award to Faroudja Inc. The Silicon Valley company announced two new processors in a news release that told us: A new YPrPb output allows the DVP3000 and DVP3000U to connect to the growing number of entry-level HDTV-ready sets in which an RGB output may not be compatible. New direct access infrared control software optimizes the models for use in theater or A/V installations employing IR-based control systems. RS232 serial computer control is also included.

Our Stupid Lawyer Trick Award to the attorneys for the Galleria. In a letter castigating me for my use of the term the Galleria area they warned they had sued or settled with numerous companies that used the Galleria in their name, adding ominously that many had gone out of business. In the future, they suggested, that I – or you – eschew that term and instead refer to the area around the Galleria, the neighborhood surrounding the Galleria, near the Galleria or perhaps something like two blocks north of the Galleria.

The What About Those Who Dip and Chew Award to SmithKline Beecham Consumer Healthcare, which announces it is sponsoring the NicoDerm CQ-Nicorette Ford Reynard race car at the annual Malboro Grand Prix of Miami.

From reader Mary Lamb. How do you know youve joined a cheap HMO? The only 100 percent covered expense is embalming.

Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow

A young lawyer was driving down the road in his new BMW. He had just been made a partner in the firm, and was feeling great about life. Then, all of a sudden he was standing at the pearly gates. What happened? he asked. You died, replied St. Peter. How did I die, did I get in a wreck? No. said Saint Peter. A heart attack, did I have a heart attack? No was the reply. Then how did I die? You died of old age. said the apostle. What do you mean I died of old age. I couldnt die of old age! I was only 36! the young man cried. According to your billable hours, said St Peter, youre 112.