Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bag of fertilizer?

Ones a bag of crap, and the others fertilizer.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?

The lawyer replied, Of course, how much was the roast? $7.98. said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice. It read: Legal Consultation Service $150

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

(Heard this morning on Radio 4, the Today programme)

Question: What is 1 + 2 ?

Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, youll find
that its reasonably in line with government predictions.

Physicist: I wont tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

Two lawyers are walking on the beach. A lovely blond woman in a skimpy bikini walks by.

Lawyer #1 says, Boy, wouldnt you like to screw her?

Lawyer #2 then asks, Screw her out of what?

Q: Why do lawyers always wear neck ties?

A: To keep the foreskin from flopping up and hitting them in the face.

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Author unknown.

ContractorA gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
Bid OpeningA poker game in which the losing hand wins.
BidA wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
Low BidderA contractor who is wondering what he left out.
Engineers EstimateThe cost of construction in heaven.
Project ManagerThe conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Critical Path MethodA management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHAA protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney – usually applied at random with a shotgun.
StrikeAn effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
Delayed PaymentA tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Completion DateThe point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated DamagesA penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
AuditorPerson who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.
LawyerPerson who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.

The Bong Show
Whose Pants Are These, Anyway?
Iron Fry Cook
Dating Game v6.05 — Techies attempt to impress dates by answering unsolved help desk questions.
Who or Whom?
To Tell the Precisely Defined, Legally Defensible, Lawyer-Approved, Carefully Chosen Truth
Bowling for Gum
Kathie Lee Giffords Who Wants To Make 50 Cents An Hour?
Leper-dy!
Wheel of Fortran
First Family Feud
ho Wants To Be A Prison Bitch?
Lets Bake A Veal

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Rejected Game Show Idea …

Win Ben Steins Undies

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An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

Doctor, she asks nervously, can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?

Certainly, replies the doctor, Where do you think lawyers come from!

How come you cant find lawyers sunbathing on the beach? Cats keep covering them over with sand.