Q: Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

A: Lipstick.

What can a goose do, a duck cant, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40years by his bedside. "Jack, Ive got to confess. Ive been sleeping with your wifefor 30 years and Im the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, Ive beenstealing from the firm for a decade.""Relax," says Jack, "anddont think another thing about it. Im the one who put arsenic in your martini."

Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
Enough of the serious stuff. Its a new month and time for Weird Business News – a look at the antics of Homo Businessperson in search of a buck.

Cheers to toy maker Mattel for its new doll, Barbie Loves Frankie Sinatra. We needed Barbie in a metallic dress drinking martinis and smoking.

And thanks to reader Stan Daley who reports the sprinkler he just bought had a sticker on the bottom stating that its for outdoor use only. Dang, I wanted to use it in the living room on my wifes potted plants, he said.

Our At Least the Boss Doesnt Need a Costume Award to the National Retail Federation survey that found 39.1 percent of American workers say they have considered dressing up for Halloween at work.

The Why Remind the Investors What Might Happen Award to Poore Brothers of Goodyear, Ariz., which announced it is dropping its NASDAQ stock symbol POOR in favor of SNAK.

Best Internet Site Name: IveBeenGood.com, an online merchant. Proposed Internet site: IveBeenBad.com for those looking for a good spanking.

The Readability Award to Burlington Resources for the notice of its stockholder meeting set for Nov. 18. On pages B-21 and B-22 theres one sentence that is so long that it cant be repeated here, since it would fill the entire column. Or maybe that should be the Mama, Dont Let Your Lawyers Grow Up To Be Writers Award.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, Do you serve lawyers here? Sure do, replied the bartender. Good, said the man. Give me a beer, and Ill have a lawyer for my gator.

In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow – one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator —-It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

Legal Business Card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. …Benjamin Franklin.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. Doctor, she asks nervously, can you get pregnant from anal intercourse? Certainly, replies the doctor, Where do you think lawyers come from?

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: Whats the difference between a dead dog lying on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why wont sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A1: Take your foot off his head?

A2: No.

A farmers wife was at her lawyers getting advice about a divorce.

He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones.

How do you mean?

Well, Mr. Jones, says the farmers wife, this morning I was looking at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!

Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didnt know you kept chickens.

We dont, Mr. Jones, we were at the Safeway supermarket!

Why are the first three letters of diet DIE? No wonder this diet is killing me.

If your second doctor has a different opinion, does that make a paradox?

If you have two dimes, is that a new paradigm?

If you have two different viewpoints simultaneously is that a parasites?

If you hire two lawyers, does that mean that both lawyers could be replaced by one paralegal?

If you shoot two deer in one day is that called a parachute?

If you are lax about something, and then are lax about it again is that called a relax?

Do two normal people make one paranormal?

When somebody tells me to restrain myself, does that me I have to strain twice?

If you are a complete pessimist, does this mean you are positively negative?

When a person rewrites a poem to make it better, does that mean he is reversing himself?

When Bach or Beethoven erased a manuscript to make changes, were they decomposing?

Are two dice a paradise?

Q. What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

A. He stands taller and straighter.

~ Downsizing is good, right? Then lets fire Uncle Sam!





~ Put politicians in their place – Landfills!





~ We will never have great leaders as long as we mistake



education for intelligence, ambition for ability, and



a winning smile for integrity!





~ Only lawyers get to be judges, and thats the (F)LAW!