A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears.

So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female. The lawyer turned to the ranger and asked Why did you shoot the female? – it was the male that ate my friend

So the Ranger replies Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?

A lawyers car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.



As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, my mercedes, my brand new mercedes! As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyers right arm missing.



Do you realize your arm is gone? asked the policeman?



The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,

My rolex, my brand new rolex!

How do you get a lawyer down from a tree…? Cut the rope..

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, You can’t take it with you.

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

Oh, that darned old fool, she exclaimed. I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

As Im sure you can understand, she started off with one of the first applicants, in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question. She leaned forward. Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?

Honest? replied the job prospect. Let me tell you something about honest. Why, Im so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.

Impressive. And what sort of case was that?

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, My dad sued me for the money.

Whats black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman Pinscher.

Temperature in Fahrenheit:



+60 Californians put on sweaters.



+50 Miami residents turn on the heat.



+45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.



+40 You can see your breath.

Californians shiver uncontrollably.

Minnesotans go swimming.



+35 Italians cars dont start.



+32 Water freezes.



+30 You plan your vacation in Australia.



+25 Ohio water freezes.

Californians weep pitiably

Minnesotans eat ice cream.

Canadians go swimming.



+20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.

New York City water freezes.

Miami residents plan vacation further south.



+15 French cars dont start.

Cat insists on sleeping with you.



+10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.



+ 5 American cars dont start.



0 Alaskans put on T-shirts.



-10 German cars dont start.

Eyes freeze shut when you blink.



-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.

Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects.

Miami residents cease to exist.



-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.

Politicians actually do something about the homeless.

Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.

Japanese cars dont start.



-25 Too cold to think.

You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

Wisconsin-Eau Claire students walk rapidly across the footbridge.



-30 You plan a two week hot bath.

Swedish cars dont start.



-40 Californians disappear.

Minnesotans button top button.

Canadians put on sweater.

Your car helps you plan your trip south.



-50 Congressional hot air freezes.

Alaskans close the bathroom window.



-80 Hell freezes over.

Polar bears move south.

Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.



-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.



-100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.



Why are you eating grass? he asked one man.

We dont have any money for food. the poor man replied.

Oh, come along with me then.

But sir, I have a wife with two children!

Bring them along! And you, come with us too!, he said to the other man.

But sir, I have a wife with six children! the second man answered.

Bring them as well!



They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.



The lawyer replied, No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor and its inoperable – in fact, its so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – theres a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, This is a rip-off how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?

The doctor replies, Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared.

The Devil told the lawyer, I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wifes soul, and the souls of your children.

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, So, whats the catch?