Storming into his lawyers office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

Whats the problem?

I want to hit that adulterin bitch for breach of contract, snapped the oil man.

I dont know if thatll fly, said the lawyer. I mean, your wife isnt a piece of property, you dont *own* her!

Damn right, the tycoon rejoined, but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin rights!

A lawyer finds himself in the city park. It is a beautiful summer day so he decides to take his shoes and socks off. He no sooner does this than he steps into a huge pile of fresh dog poop.


Looking down at his bare feet covered in dog poop he screams….Some one help me…Im melting….Im melting.


I cannot claim authorship and I must confess I have two lawyers in my immediate family.

There are two kinds of lawyers:

Those who know the law and those who know the judge.

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?

The doctor replied, Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.

The lawyer looked puzzled.

Gee, he asked, how do you start a flood?

The lawyers son wanted to follow in his fathers footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his fathers firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his fathers office, and said, Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that youve been working on for ten years!

His father responded: You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!

A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!

A man at the front of the bar stands up and says Hey! I resent that!



So the first man asks, Why are you a lawyer?



NO! Im an asshole!

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?Its called, Sosumi.

** Whats the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesnt think hes a lawyer.

** Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostages? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: Have you ever been arrested?

He answered no to the question.

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was why? Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it Never got caught.

Q: Why are lawyers buried twelve feet in the ground instead of six?

A: Because deep down they are really nice people.