A woman who was diagnosed as being terminally ill was told she needed a brain transplant using a 1-1/2 pound brain.

She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600.

She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would prefer a lawyer brain. That’s fine, she was told, but that will cost you $10,000.

What? she replied incredulously.

If a surgeons brain only costs $500, why does a lawyer’s brain cost $10,000?

Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of brain? the doctor replied.

A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.



The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it.

The man said, Thanks, but Ill just pay the $10 and pass on the story.



He purchased the brass rat and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked — the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did — and all the rats drowned.



He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said, Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?



Nope, replied the man, Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!

Witness: Well, I think …

Lawyer: Dont think! In this court you tell what you know not what you think.

Witness: Im not a lawyer. I cant talk without thinking!

The US government is throwing away millions of unused stamps with pictures of favorite lawyers on them.



The people that use them don’t know which side to spit on!

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.


All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die !

Whats the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog!

What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.

Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

Youre trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do? Shoot the lawyer, twice !!

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician? Chelsea Clinton.

It was so cold around here last winter, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !

Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick !

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane? Skeet.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer? Professional courtesy !

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a lost hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; all of the other three are mythical creatures!

1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isnt looking.3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.5. Stand up and yell OBJECTION! to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING.6. If youre the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.8. Sing The Song That Never Ends incessantly.9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that youll call him10. Actually call him11. Bring a kazoo.12. Act like youre doing something important, and ask them to keep it down13. Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel over backwards and act like youve been shot.14. Bring a Gameboy and leave the volume at full.15. Wait until everybody is completely focused on the trial, then blow a referees whistle as loud as you can. Point to the person next to you and tell him to stop it!16. Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet. Douse yourself in cold water and act like one.17. Call the judge a wuss when he issues the death penalty. When he accuses you of contempt of the court, look puzzled and ask him what it means. When he answers, object.18. Dress up like Santa Claus19. Drink all of your lawyers water, then ask for more. Then ask to go to the bathroom.20. Hiccup every time somebody says the word the21. Change your plea every five minutes22. If youre the judge, call the defendant the plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the lawyers Barney23. Gurgle into the microphone.24. Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you have, then take

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving.



He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, Excuse me, Officer, whats the hold up?



The Officer replies, The President is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesnt have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. Im walking around taking up a collection for him.



Oh really? How much have you collected so far?



So far only about three hundred gallons, but Ive got a lot of folks still siphoning!

Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.
Doctor Ahn says, I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.



The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: In USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away… Saying that, he opened the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others were quite impressed.



The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away…. Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it… an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.