A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defenses closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would
probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom. He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.Finally the lawyer said, Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to
whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty!The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.But how? inquired the lawyer. You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.The jury foreman replied: Oh, we did look … but your client didnt.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

Doctor, she asks nervously, can you get pregnant from anal
intercourse?

Certainly, replies the doctor, Where do you think lawyers come
from?

-Pete Ahrens
San Francisco, California

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “Youre beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “Youre cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend.

In his grief, one of the three said, In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to pay taxs over there.

They all agreed that this was appropriate.

The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket and walked away in tears.

The car salesman did the same.

The lawyer looked around and seeing no one was near the coffin, he took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested?

An accomplice.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested?

A lawyer.

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks every year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, thats not the punch line) to spend a week or two at this home, which happened to be in a backwoods.



On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. They had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors.



Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears – a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears and sensing danger, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, however, being ignorant of nature, was not so lucky. The male bear charged the paralyzed Czechoslovakian, then swallowed him whole.



The lawyer, instilled with fright, rushed back to his car and sped into town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff, upon hearing the lawyers unsettling story, grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer following closely behind.



Sure enough, the two bears were still there. Hes in THAT one!, cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, all the while visions of lawsuits from his friends family lagged in the back of his mind. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the two bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his rifle, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.



What did you do that for!, exclaimed the lawyer, I said he was in the other one!



Exactly, replied the sheriff, Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.



So, he said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.



Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.



You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.



The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon, and stated Now then, Im returning $5,000, and were going to decide this case strictly on its merits.

Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

A man goes to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign
remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain
store. So he asks the butcher:

How much for engineer brain?

4 pounds per 100g.

How much for doctor brain?

6 pounds per 100g.

How much for lawyer brain?

100 pounds per gram.

100 pounds an per gram! Why is lawyer brain so expensive?

Do you have any idea how many lawyers you need to kill to get one gram of
brains?