A lawyers dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyers office and asks, if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dogs owner?



Absolutely, the lawyer responded.



The butcher immediately shot back, Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.



The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.



The contents read Consultation: $25.00.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defenses closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.



He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.



The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. But how? inquired the lawyer. You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.



The jury foreman replied: Oh, we looked, but your client didnt.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial – it went like this:



Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.



Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.



Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.



Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.



Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.



Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.



Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.



With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The number of lawyers and personal computers has increased greatly over the last three decades. Unfortunately, the lawyers havent managed to get twice as fast and half as expensive with each passing year.

It has come to our attention recently that many of you



have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts



of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (Code 5309). However,



we need to know exactly what you are doing during your



unproductive time.



Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended



job code list based on our observations of employee activities.



The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of



precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.



Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let



us know about any difficulties you encounter.



Thank you,



Accounting



Attached: Extended Job-Code List



. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .



Code Description



****************



5316 – Useless Meeting



5317 – Obstructing Communications at Meeting



5318 – Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting



5319 – Waiting for Break



5320 – Waiting for Lunch



5321 – Waiting for End of Day



5322 – Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker



5323 – Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While



Coworker is Not Present



5393 – Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend



5400 – Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not



Interested in Learning



5401 – Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid



5402 – Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You



5481 – Buying Snack



5482 – Eating Snack



5500 – Filling Out Timesheet



5501 – Inventing Timesheet Entries



5502 – Waiting for Something to Happen



5503 – Scratching Yourself



5504 – Sleeping



5510 – Feeling Bored



5511 – Feeling Horny



5600 – Complaining About Lousy Job



5601 – Complaining About Low Pay



5602 – Complaining About Long Hours



5603 – Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)



5604 – Complaining About Boss



5605 – Complaining About Personal Problems



5640 – Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining



5701 – Not Actually Present At Job



5702 – Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu



6102 – Ordering Out



6103 – Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive



6104 – Taking It Easy While Digesting Food



6200 – Using Company Resources for Personal Profit



6201 – Stealing Company Goods



6202 – Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company



Goods



6203 – Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls



6204 – Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls



to Sell Stolen Company Goods



6205 – Hiding from Boss



6206 – Gossip



6207 – Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)



6210 – Feeling Sorry For Yourself



6211 – Updating Resume



6212 – Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter



6213 – Out of Office on Interview



6221 – Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching



6222 – Pretending to Enjoy Your Job



6223 – Pretending You Like Coworker



6224 – Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality



They Are Jerks



6238 – Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing



6350 – Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl



6601 – Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)



6602 – Complaining



6603 – Writing a Book on Company Time



6611 – Staring Into Space



6612 – Staring At Computer Screen



6615 – Transcendental Meditation



6969 – Beating off in Broom Closet



7281 – Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)



7400 – Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone



7401 – Talking With Plumber on Phone



7402 – Talking With Dentist on Phone



7403 – Talking With Doctor on Phone



7404 – Talking With Masseuse on Phone



7405 – Talking With House Painter on Phone



7406 – Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone



7419 – Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone



7425 – Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone



7931 – Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity



8000 – Recreational Drug Use



8001 – Non-Recreational Drug Use



8002 – Liquid Lunch



8100 – Reading e-mail



8102 – Laughing while reading e-mail

Q. Why do lawyers where neck ties?

A. So their foreskin doesnt slip up over their head.

16. His idea of a key immunity deal involves penicillin shots.
15. Open argument in which he called the prosecutor a Doo-Doo Head could hurt your case.
14. Tries to cheer you up by saying how great you look in orange.
13. In the middle of your trial, he crawls underneath the bench and actually tries to please the court.
12. Uses rhyming couplets like Johnny Cochran, but they all end with Nantucket.
11. Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code.
10. Keeps trying to call a witness named Johnny, the Trouser Troll.
9. A closer look at his diploma reveals its from Yale Lock School.
8. The only question she can come up with during cross-examination is, Isnt it true that youre a lying bastard?
7. Constantly raising objections to the vibes hes getting from the jury.
6. Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he screams, Yahtzee!
5. Dental problem forces her to use short, concise sentences comprised of commonly used, clearly understood words.
4. Instead of saying Your honor, I object, he now just rolls his eyes and says, Whatever.
3. Claims staring at your cleavage is a necessary part of the discovery processes.
2. Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties.

   and Top5s Number 1 Sign Your Lawyer Isnt Working Out …

1. Nice breasts, Your Honor.

[           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]

[  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]

[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

Why are you eating grass? he asked one man.

We dont have any money for food, the poor man replied.

Oh, come along with me then, instructed the lawyer.

But, sir, I have a wife and two children!

Bring them along! replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, Come with us.

But sir, I have a wife and six children! the second man answered.

Bring them as well! answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter, said one.

No! He agreed to marry MY daughter, said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

Bring me my biggest sword, said Solomon, and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.

Sounds good to me, said the first lady.

But the other woman said, Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other womans daughter marry him.

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. The attorney must marry the first ladys daughter, he proclaimed.

But she was willing to hew him in two! exclaimed the kings court.

Indeed, said wise King Solomon. That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.