Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

There was a loser who couldnt get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, Its simple. I just say, Im a lawyer.

So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, Oh! Youre a lawyer?

He said, Why yes I am!

She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, Well, Ive only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and Im already screwing someone!

How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.

There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell. The worker agreed — not like he could do anything else — and he was on his way.
When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, “Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits.” Then the worker replied, “That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward.” So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued, asked, “What else can you build?” So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.
Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, “I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven.” Satan replied, “No way — hes built all sorts of useful stuff for us. Were keeping him.” God then said, “Oh, yeah? Well, Ill see you in court. Were going to sue you for this mans soul and damages. Satan just laughed: “And where are you going to find a lawyer?”

    Four surgeons were sitting around discussing whothey like to operate on.

    The first surgeon said, "I like operating onlibrarians.  When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

    The second surgeon said, "I like operatingon accountants.  When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

    The third surgeon said, "I like operating onelectricians.  When you open them up everything is color coded.

    The fourth surgeon said, "I like operatingon lawyers".

    The other three surgeons looked at each other indisbelief.  One of them asked why.

    The fourth surgeon replied, "Because theyare heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While
several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the
customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their
wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams
something in lawyer number twos hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, What is this? to which
lawyer number one replies, Its that $50 I owe you.

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "Im sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "Im sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time Ive had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

Q: Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?A: Lipstick.

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!

4 surgeons were in the doctors lounge talking.

The first one said, I like operating on librarians because when you open them up, their parts are alphebetized. The second one said, I prefer working on Accountants because you open them up, and everything is numbered. The third Surgeon said, I really like operating on mechanics because they understand if you have parts left over.

The Fourth said, I like working on Lawyers. everone else asked why?.

He said, You open them up, and you find they are spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangable!